[blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children

Fri Jan 15 14:25:07 UTC 2010

I'm not making any excuses here, but here is our situation and I know we 
need to make some changes for Deven's benefit.

We started a small engine repair and sales business a couple of years ago 
and it has really taken off in the past few months. Right now we run the 
business out of our home, but will soon move into a building. Steve's 
favorite place is his garage, even on the weekends. He is not the type who 
can ever sit around for long. I'm the person who handles the office piece of 
things, and I have an easy time of resting and relaxing when I can.

So we're finding that business is picking up, and people find it convenient 
when they can show up after work, as well as earlier in the day. But we do 
have a starting point for making some changes. Sunday is becoming our family 
time. I'm encouraging games that involve the 3 of us, or one of us with 
Deven. It isn't taking off just yet, because Deven only wants to do what 
Deven wants to do, and I feel we should learn new games and not devote all 
of our time to the WII or just one particular game. During the week, Steve 
is having to work on closing the shop when we are closed. We have not yet 
worked out what he can come inside and do to keep him in the house for the 
rest of the night. At first, it was a card game with Deven, or the WII. 
Deven's attention span is very short, about 15 minutes if we're lucky. So 
then Deven would get bored with a couple of different things in one evening 
and we would lose his focus, and away we all go our separate ways. These 
things take time, but I totally agree with what you're saying about spending 
some time, even if it's only a little. The focus issue is a real challenge. 
One of Deven's complaints in therapy is that he wants his parents to do more 
with him, but he himself needs to pull his weight in order to change that.

So we have a plan, initially, and now it's a matter of implementing the 
ideas and figuring out how.

Rhonda

----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Pickrell, Rebecca M (TASC Inc)" <REBECCA.PICKRELL at tasc.com>
To: "NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Friday, January 15, 2010 8:42 AM
Subject: Re: [blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children

Sounds good on the therapist and that you've got a handle on his needs
and emotional state.
A couple thoughts here;
Could one or both of you reduce your hours so that instead of a 10 hour
day, you work a 9 or 8 hour day? 10 hour days are long for everybody.
Also, since he doesn't seemt o be able to look after himself after
school, can you find some kind of childcare or after school activity for
him?  All kids and adults too act inappropriately in public at times. I
wouldn't loose sleep over it, just deal if/when it happens. Isolating
him won't do anybody any good.
Also, know too that we all need to adjust our activities, expectations
and lifestyles once we have kids, your situation is different only in
that you're doing it at a point when yours is past the baby/toddler
phase. You're also dealing with some specific emotional challenges. Hang
in there, all of you.

-----Original Message-----
From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org]
On Behalf Of Rhonda Scott
Sent: Thursday, January 14, 2010 3:56 PM
To: NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List
Subject: Re: [blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children

We already have a therapist in place because of his occasional angry
outbursts and destructive behaviors. But I, too, sometimes have the
thought
that Deven thinks I'm not so nice as dad, and that I'm one of the only
people who feels he has challenges. And that isn't to say he doesn't
care
about me at all, I just know from things he has said that he would be OK

just being with dad, though he would miss some things about me too.

I don't think he knows what it is to have a mom who wants to be involved
and
who cares in positive ways. He knows a mom figure who let him do what he

wanted unless she felt like yelling at him, verbally abusing him, who
knows
how much physical abuse there was. And who lied to him constantly and
broke
promises. Now we have the patterns he learned in his old environment to
deal
with and try to alter. Not his fault, but definitely not easy for us.

Rhonda

----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Veronica Smith" <madison_tewe at spinn.net>
To: "'NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List'" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Wednesday, January 13, 2010 11:19 PM
Subject: Re: [blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children

I don't agree that a therapist is the right path.  The only thing  that
will
do is make him think that "the new mom" thinks he's losing his mind.
But
doing activities outside of the home as a family is a great idea.  V

-----Original Message-----
From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org]
On
Behalf Of Pickrell, Rebecca M (TASC Inc)
Sent: Wednesday, January 13, 2010 5:48 AM
To: NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List
Subject: Re: [blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children

Two words for you, family therapy. You all need a good therapist who can
both explain to you where he's been in life re his experiences with his
mom, and also to him that he really is safe. And you'll need to do day
to day work on this too, explaining probably won't cut it based on
things you've written about his mom.
You all may also want to look seriously at doing something as a family
outside the house, volunteering with the Humane Society or something
with animals comes to mind because there is a need out there, and he'll
be able to care for and feel a sense of pride in taking care of another
living being without full-time 24/7 ownership responsibilities.
Sounds like he doesn't value "stuff" in the tranditional sense and
taking things away doesn't matter to him.
I'd be looking for a good therapist for the family, as well as finding
some things you all can do as a family or just you and him. Why not ask
him, if he could do anything, what would it be? Then really listen to
what he says.
Sounds to me like you're dealing with some ugly side effects, though it
also sounds like he's just being a preteen kid too, only without the
sense of security that is the ideal/norm??
Finally, while you are frustrated, have you asked him how he feels about
the rules, not so much with an intent of changing them but t to get his
insights? Ask him at a time that isn't in the middle of a fight and
again, just listen. Do that for all kinds of stuff and you'l be amazed
at what you can learn.

-----Original Message-----
From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org]
On Behalf Of Rhonda Scott
Sent: Tuesday, January 12, 2010 4:40 PM
To: NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List
Subject: [blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children

Hi all,

How do some of you decide what is worth disciplining for, and what is
really not a huge deal? In our house we have quite a bit of fibbing and
lying, which is a very sore spot with me. We also have a tiny bit of
Deven helping himself to things that don't belong to him because he
feels he needs them for something he wants to do, or to food, which I
don't mind so much except he eats in the living room and leaves a trail
behind him. It really is a matter of asking for that screwdriver he
needs to take the lid off a battery compartment to replace the batteries
in a toy. But desk drawers where those are kept are 1 of the places off
limits. He recently took sewing needles from my sewing box because he
wanted to poke holes in something, and he did not take the time to tell
me he broke those needles, or to clean up the remnants of the needles.

So I'm frustrated, and trying to learn to pick my battles. I have tried
explaining to him that some of the things he does can hurt people, like
fragments of needles in carpets, and that asking would really get him a
lot further than taking. But no taking away of things or discussing, or
explaining are getting me anywhere with him. Nothing he owns seems to
mean enough to him that punishing him by taking toys and such away makes
any difference.

Thoughts and feedback appreciated.

Rhonda

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