[blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children

Fri Jan 15 17:47:38 UTC 2010

Rhonda,
I just want to say that I think you are totally on track, from the sound of 
it, and the fact that you are trying so hard to connect with your step son 
really says a lot about what a great mother you are.  Being a step parent is 
not easy, and you are obviously doing everything you can to meet Devin's 
needs.  I'm sure it's going to take time, but I'm sure he's going to realize 
all that you've done for him as he grows older.  Tyler definitely has his 
hard times with Mason, too, but at the same time I can see the love and 
respect that Mason has for Tyler, and so can Tyler, so that gives him 
encouragement to keep moving forward.
I know that there are boy scouts in Kalamazoo, so that might be something to 
check into.  Contact me any time if you want to chat.
Take care,
Leanne
----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Rhonda Scott" <earthmagic7 at sbcglobal.net>
To: "NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Friday, January 15, 2010 9:25 AM
Subject: Re: [blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children


> I'm not making any excuses here, but here is our situation and I know we
> need to make some changes for Deven's benefit.
>
> We started a small engine repair and sales business a couple of years ago
> and it has really taken off in the past few months. Right now we run the
> business out of our home, but will soon move into a building. Steve's
> favorite place is his garage, even on the weekends. He is not the type who
> can ever sit around for long. I'm the person who handles the office piece 
> of
> things, and I have an easy time of resting and relaxing when I can.
>
> So we're finding that business is picking up, and people find it 
> convenient
> when they can show up after work, as well as earlier in the day. But we do
> have a starting point for making some changes. Sunday is becoming our 
> family
> time. I'm encouraging games that involve the 3 of us, or one of us with
> Deven. It isn't taking off just yet, because Deven only wants to do what
> Deven wants to do, and I feel we should learn new games and not devote all
> of our time to the WII or just one particular game. During the week, Steve
> is having to work on closing the shop when we are closed. We have not yet
> worked out what he can come inside and do to keep him in the house for the
> rest of the night. At first, it was a card game with Deven, or the WII.
> Deven's attention span is very short, about 15 minutes if we're lucky. So
> then Deven would get bored with a couple of different things in one 
> evening
> and we would lose his focus, and away we all go our separate ways. These
> things take time, but I totally agree with what you're saying about 
> spending
> some time, even if it's only a little. The focus issue is a real 
> challenge.
> One of Deven's complaints in therapy is that he wants his parents to do 
> more
> with him, but he himself needs to pull his weight in order to change that.
>
> So we have a plan, initially, and now it's a matter of implementing the
> ideas and figuring out how.
>
> Rhonda
>
> ----- Original Message ----- 
> From: "Pickrell, Rebecca M (TASC Inc)" <REBECCA.PICKRELL at tasc.com>
> To: "NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
> Sent: Friday, January 15, 2010 8:42 AM
> Subject: Re: [blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children
>
>
> Sounds good on the therapist and that you've got a handle on his needs
> and emotional state.
> A couple thoughts here;
> Could one or both of you reduce your hours so that instead of a 10 hour
> day, you work a 9 or 8 hour day? 10 hour days are long for everybody.
> Also, since he doesn't seemt o be able to look after himself after
> school, can you find some kind of childcare or after school activity for
> him?  All kids and adults too act inappropriately in public at times. I
> wouldn't loose sleep over it, just deal if/when it happens. Isolating
> him won't do anybody any good.
> Also, know too that we all need to adjust our activities, expectations
> and lifestyles once we have kids, your situation is different only in
> that you're doing it at a point when yours is past the baby/toddler
> phase. You're also dealing with some specific emotional challenges. Hang
> in there, all of you.
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org]
> On Behalf Of Rhonda Scott
> Sent: Thursday, January 14, 2010 3:56 PM
> To: NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List
> Subject: Re: [blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children
>
> We already have a therapist in place because of his occasional angry
> outbursts and destructive behaviors. But I, too, sometimes have the
> thought
> that Deven thinks I'm not so nice as dad, and that I'm one of the only
> people who feels he has challenges. And that isn't to say he doesn't
> care
> about me at all, I just know from things he has said that he would be OK
>
> just being with dad, though he would miss some things about me too.
>
> I don't think he knows what it is to have a mom who wants to be involved
> and
> who cares in positive ways. He knows a mom figure who let him do what he
>
> wanted unless she felt like yelling at him, verbally abusing him, who
> knows
> how much physical abuse there was. And who lied to him constantly and
> broke
> promises. Now we have the patterns he learned in his old environment to
> deal
> with and try to alter. Not his fault, but definitely not easy for us.
>
> Rhonda
>
> ----- Original Message ----- 
> From: "Veronica Smith" <madison_tewe at spinn.net>
> To: "'NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List'" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
> Sent: Wednesday, January 13, 2010 11:19 PM
> Subject: Re: [blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children
>
>
> I don't agree that a therapist is the right path.  The only thing  that
> will
> do is make him think that "the new mom" thinks he's losing his mind.
> But
> doing activities outside of the home as a family is a great idea.  V
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org]
> On
> Behalf Of Pickrell, Rebecca M (TASC Inc)
> Sent: Wednesday, January 13, 2010 5:48 AM
> To: NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List
> Subject: Re: [blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children
>
> Two words for you, family therapy. You all need a good therapist who can
> both explain to you where he's been in life re his experiences with his
> mom, and also to him that he really is safe. And you'll need to do day
> to day work on this too, explaining probably won't cut it based on
> things you've written about his mom.
> You all may also want to look seriously at doing something as a family
> outside the house, volunteering with the Humane Society or something
> with animals comes to mind because there is a need out there, and he'll
> be able to care for and feel a sense of pride in taking care of another
> living being without full-time 24/7 ownership responsibilities.
> Sounds like he doesn't value "stuff" in the tranditional sense and
> taking things away doesn't matter to him.
> I'd be looking for a good therapist for the family, as well as finding
> some things you all can do as a family or just you and him. Why not ask
> him, if he could do anything, what would it be? Then really listen to
> what he says.
> Sounds to me like you're dealing with some ugly side effects, though it
> also sounds like he's just being a preteen kid too, only without the
> sense of security that is the ideal/norm??
> Finally, while you are frustrated, have you asked him how he feels about
> the rules, not so much with an intent of changing them but t to get his
> insights? Ask him at a time that isn't in the middle of a fight and
> again, just listen. Do that for all kinds of stuff and you'l be amazed
> at what you can learn.
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org]
> On Behalf Of Rhonda Scott
> Sent: Tuesday, January 12, 2010 4:40 PM
> To: NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List
> Subject: [blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children
>
> Hi all,
>
> How do some of you decide what is worth disciplining for, and what is
> really not a huge deal? In our house we have quite a bit of fibbing and
> lying, which is a very sore spot with me. We also have a tiny bit of
> Deven helping himself to things that don't belong to him because he
> feels he needs them for something he wants to do, or to food, which I
> don't mind so much except he eats in the living room and leaves a trail
> behind him. It really is a matter of asking for that screwdriver he
> needs to take the lid off a battery compartment to replace the batteries
> in a toy. But desk drawers where those are kept are 1 of the places off
> limits. He recently took sewing needles from my sewing box because he
> wanted to poke holes in something, and he did not take the time to tell
> me he broke those needles, or to clean up the remnants of the needles.
>
> So I'm frustrated, and trying to learn to pick my battles. I have tried
> explaining to him that some of the things he does can hurt people, like
> fragments of needles in carpets, and that asking would really get him a
> lot further than taking. But no taking away of things or discussing, or
> explaining are getting me anywhere with him. Nothing he owns seems to
> mean enough to him that punishing him by taking toys and such away makes
> any difference.
>
> Thoughts and feedback appreciated.
>
> Rhonda
>
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