[blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children

Wed Jan 20 19:44:40 UTC 2010

We all feel like a tyrant at times.  The thing that always sends me over
the edge is whining. V

-----Original Message-----
From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of Rhonda Scott
Sent: Friday, January 15, 2010 1:10 PM
To: NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List
Subject: Re: [blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children

It helps to have some things pointed out about me in a nice way. I'm still 
learning my limits when it comes to what I handle best and what I don't. 
It's the same with which things I need to prioritize as minor annoyances, 
and ones that are not negotiable and need to be addressed. I begin to feel 
like a tyrant at times, though I know with certain things and Deven, we 
really do need to continue to talk about and explain to him, and hope 
someday he will get it.

On days he is behaving badly, it is usually because a trigger happened; 
another student upset him in some way, one of us didn't allow him to do 
something he felt he should get to do, Christmas time when he didn't hear 
from his mother. Sometimes sugar has an affect, so we really watch how much 
of that he ingests when he's with us.

We have talked many times between my husband and I that both we as Deven's 
parents, and Deven, feel we're damned if we do and damned if we don't in 
some situations. I'm not saying spanking is essential as some parents feel 
it is. I didn't get all that many spankings when I was a child, and when I 
did they hurt my pride and my feelings more than my butt. I was just blowing

off some steam about how there are days when I really do feel like spanking 
him for things he knows only too well he shouldn't have done, and defies us 
anyway. There have been a few times when his tone of voice or inappropriate 
words and talking back have nearly gotten the better of me. But I don't have

any anger issues, just wanted to figure out the best course of action for 
when he uses inappropriate language, or talking back. The last incident in a

restaurant, when his dad and I were talking about a CD his dad wanted, and I

asked what CD that was, for instance. Deven spoke up from across the table 
and said maybe that's none of your business. At the time I simply told him 
to never speak to me like that again.

Rhonda

----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Pickrell, Rebecca M (TASC Inc)" <REBECCA.PICKRELL at tasc.com>
To: "NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Friday, January 15, 2010 10:38 AM
Subject: Re: [blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children

How old is he again?
If there are "days when I think he needs a spanking" can you trace back
to what might be going on? Do these days happen after a certain type of
food, or lack thereof, too much light, or too little or the wrong kind,
too much or little or the wrong kind of sounds, too much swcreen time,
things like that?
You'll need to observe and really pay attention and make changes when
and whre needed.
I'll also add that at least for me anyway, spaking makes no sense,
because the kid does something wrong, and then when he gets within
touching distance, he experiences physical pain. Sounds illogical and
unkind to me. He might very well have the sense that "I'm damned if I
do, and I'm damned if I don't, so what's the point?"
Also, maybe your backup and prime plan isn't working, maybe it needs to
be dependent on who can best explain a situation with language and
relationship. There just may be certain concepts andmessages you can't
convey, just as your husband and anybody else will have that problem.
Why not focus on what you do best and have faith that the messages will
get through no matter who conveys them, even if that person isn't you?

-----Original Message-----
From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org]
On Behalf Of Rhonda Scott
Sent: Friday, January 15, 2010 9:03 AM
To: NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List
Subject: Re: [blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children

Yes, we exchange those roles, depending on who discovers an issue first.
If
I find out Deven lied about cleaning his room, I mention it to Steve. He

will say he'll take care of it, but usually, since I found the mess, I
will
talk to Deven about it first, then dad will join us and we send him to
correct the situation, along with explaining again the importance of
honesty. Sometimes, I confess, I get highly frustrated and mad, and dad
handles the situation before I express how I feel about it.

I'm careful to assert that I am not one of those moms who waits till dad

gets home to deal with something, or tells dad and expects dad to do the

disciplining. I have only spanked Deven one time though, and I again
confess
that there are days when I think he should get a spanking, but for some
reason I hesitate to do that. Steve isn't really for spanking unless
it's
something huge we're dealing with, like if Deven were to run into the
street
when there is oncoming traffic, or get angry and run away.

Rhonda

Rhonda

----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Pickrell, Rebecca M (TASC Inc)" <REBECCA.PICKRELL at tasc.com>
To: "NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Friday, January 15, 2010 8:44 AM
Subject: Re: [blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children

One more thing, you mention hat your husband "backs you up". Wondering
if he ever serves as prime and you serve as backup and if that might
make a difference?

-----Original Message-----
From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org]
On Behalf Of Rhonda Scott
Sent: Thursday, January 14, 2010 4:09 PM
To: NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List
Subject: Re: [blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children

These are great ideas, Leanne and I thank you.

Unfortunately, we do not belong to a church. I think I am the only
person in
our household who is open to choosing one. But perhaps there are
community
activities we can tap into. That will take some research. One thing
recently
is basketball tryouts after school for the next couple of weeks, then he

will find out if he made the team. So we will have that to take away if
his
behaviors become major issues. He's very excited to be allowed to try
out. I
agree with you that he is tired of being punished and scolded by the
same
people. He has a teacher at school he looks up to, and he has a
counselor
who is relatively new, but who he is beginning to ask about in terms of
when
he will see her again. I think these are good signs.

My husband backs me up completely. If we have minor disagreements, we
talk
about them privately. It has just come to the point for me that I don't
know
of a punishment that will have any impact on Deven repeating the action
in
the future. Deven requires a fair amount of attention, and he will seek
negative attention if he feels he is not getting enough positive
attention.
During the week when both Steve and I work 10 hour days, it's hard on
Deven
because he needs to entertain and amuse himself. Like Mason, he has a
ton of
pent up energy that gets him in trouble at times.

But at any rate, I think those of you who shared that activities outside
the
home would do wonders are absolutely right. We get nervous that he might
get
angry over something and have an episode in a group setting with lots of

other children, but that would just mean he would have to miss out as
his
punishment.

Oh, and homework will be an issue here as well. The difference is, Deven
is
going into Resource, and not turning his in will not count against him
at
this time. We're very proud that he's making the transition from a self
contained classroom to the Resource room. I just want to somehow
encourage
him to care about meeting his learning goals, and not think how cool it
is
when he learns he doesn't really have to do the work assigned.

Rhonda

----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Leanne Merren" <leemer02 at gmail.com>
To: "NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Thursday, January 14, 2010 2:14 PM
Subject: Re: [blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children

Rhonda,
Is he involved with any kind of club or group activity outside of the
home?
I was having a lot of the same trouble with Mason until he started going
to
Cadettes at church on Wednesday nights.  This has made a big difference
because I now have something to take away if he does wrong.  He actually
had
to stay home this week because he didn't turn in his homework when he
was
supposed to, and that has been an ongoing problem with him.  Once when
he
knocked down a picture with his ball and it broke, instead of telling me
he
tucked it under the couch.  Then when I found it and asked him about it,
he
lied and said he had no idea how that had happened.  I had asked his
sister
though and she had seen him do it and told me what happened.  So I had
to
force the truth out of him, and since he had lied to me he had to miss
laser
tag with Cadettes that week.  It broke my heart to do it both times, but
it
worked.  After he lost the laser tag outing he didn't lie for a really
long
time.  I'm hoping he'll get his homework in for a while now too. *smile*
The other good thing about the Cadettes program is that he has
counselors
there that he looks up to.  I believe that kids need role models outside
of
the home.  Parents of course have to do their best to teach them at
home,
since that is where it starts, but I think kids get tired of hearing the
same things over and over from the same people, and having someone else
that
they respect can really make a difference.
Cadettes is just like boy scouts, so that is the sort of thing I'm
thinking
of.  Not sure if that is an option for him but it's a thought.
I've also gotten creative with my punishments, like making Mason run
laps if
he is doing things because he has too much energy and needs to get it
out.
I've also given him extra chores.
I do think you have to have clear boundaries and stick to them.  If he
isn't
allowed in the desk, then he shouldn't be in the desk.  Hopefully your
husband is backing you up in these things.  You're going to get a lot
farther if you are united in your disciplinary measures.
Leanne
----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Rhonda Scott" <earthmagic7 at sbcglobal.net>
To: "NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Tuesday, January 12, 2010 4:40 PM
Subject: [blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children

> Hi all,
>
> How do some of you decide what is worth disciplining for, and what is
> really not a huge deal? In our house we have quite a bit of fibbing
and
> lying, which is a very sore spot with me. We also have a tiny bit of
Deven
> helping himself to things that don't belong to him because he feels he
> needs them for something he wants to do, or to food, which I don't
mind so
> much except he eats in the living room and leaves a trail behind him.
It
> really is a matter of asking for that screwdriver he needs to take the
lid
> off a battery compartment to replace the batteries in a toy. But desk
> drawers where those are kept are 1 of the places off limits. He
recently
> took sewing needles from my sewing box because he wanted to poke holes
in
> something, and he did not take the time to tell me he broke those
needles,
> or to clean up the remnants of the needles.
>
> So I'm frustrated, and trying to learn to pick my battles. I have
tried
> explaining to him that some of the things he does can hurt people,
like
> fragments of needles in carpets, and that asking would really get him
a
> lot further than taking. But no taking away of things or discussing,
or
> explaining are getting me anywhere with him. Nothing he owns seems to
mean
> enough to him that punishing him by taking toys and such away makes
any
> difference.
>
> Thoughts and feedback appreciated.
>
> Rhonda
>
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