[blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children

[David Andrews]

Actually, Veronica, in my opinion, the worst part about raising kids 
is the sibling rivalry.  You have only one so get to miss it (smile.)

Dave

At 01:44 PM 1/20/2010, you wrote:
>We all feel like a tyrant at times.  The thing that always sends me over
>the edge is whining. V
>
>-----Original Message-----
>From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
>Behalf Of Rhonda Scott
>Sent: Friday, January 15, 2010 1:10 PM
>To: NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List
>Subject: Re: [blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children
>
>It helps to have some things pointed out about me in a nice way. I'm still
>learning my limits when it comes to what I handle best and what I don't.
>It's the same with which things I need to prioritize as minor annoyances,
>and ones that are not negotiable and need to be addressed. I begin to feel
>like a tyrant at times, though I know with certain things and Deven, we
>really do need to continue to talk about and explain to him, and hope
>someday he will get it.
>
>On days he is behaving badly, it is usually because a trigger happened;
>another student upset him in some way, one of us didn't allow him to do
>something he felt he should get to do, Christmas time when he didn't hear
>from his mother. Sometimes sugar has an affect, so we really watch how much
>of that he ingests when he's with us.
>
>We have talked many times between my husband and I that both we as Deven's
>parents, and Deven, feel we're damned if we do and damned if we don't in
>some situations. I'm not saying spanking is essential as some parents feel
>it is. I didn't get all that many spankings when I was a child, and when I
>did they hurt my pride and my feelings more than my butt. I was just blowing
>
>off some steam about how there are days when I really do feel like spanking
>him for things he knows only too well he shouldn't have done, and defies us
>anyway. There have been a few times when his tone of voice or inappropriate
>words and talking back have nearly gotten the better of me. But I don't have
>
>any anger issues, just wanted to figure out the best course of action for
>when he uses inappropriate language, or talking back. The last incident in a
>
>restaurant, when his dad and I were talking about a CD his dad wanted, and I
>
>asked what CD that was, for instance. Deven spoke up from across the table
>and said maybe that's none of your business. At the time I simply told him
>to never speak to me like that again.
>
>Rhonda
>
>----- Original Message -----
>From: "Pickrell, Rebecca M (TASC Inc)" <REBECCA.PICKRELL at tasc.com>
>To: "NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
>Sent: Friday, January 15, 2010 10:38 AM
>Subject: Re: [blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children
>
>
>How old is he again?
>If there are "days when I think he needs a spanking" can you trace back
>to what might be going on? Do these days happen after a certain type of
>food, or lack thereof, too much light, or too little or the wrong kind,
>too much or little or the wrong kind of sounds, too much swcreen time,
>things like that?
>You'll need to observe and really pay attention and make changes when
>and whre needed.
>I'll also add that at least for me anyway, spaking makes no sense,
>because the kid does something wrong, and then when he gets within
>touching distance, he experiences physical pain. Sounds illogical and
>unkind to me. He might very well have the sense that "I'm damned if I
>do, and I'm damned if I don't, so what's the point?"
>Also, maybe your backup and prime plan isn't working, maybe it needs to
>be dependent on who can best explain a situation with language and
>relationship. There just may be certain concepts andmessages you can't
>convey, just as your husband and anybody else will have that problem.
>Why not focus on what you do best and have faith that the messages will
>get through no matter who conveys them, even if that person isn't you?
>
>-----Original Message-----
>From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org]
>On Behalf Of Rhonda Scott
>Sent: Friday, January 15, 2010 9:03 AM
>To: NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List
>Subject: Re: [blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children
>
>Yes, we exchange those roles, depending on who discovers an issue first.
>If
>I find out Deven lied about cleaning his room, I mention it to Steve. He
>
>will say he'll take care of it, but usually, since I found the mess, I
>will
>talk to Deven about it first, then dad will join us and we send him to
>correct the situation, along with explaining again the importance of
>honesty. Sometimes, I confess, I get highly frustrated and mad, and dad
>handles the situation before I express how I feel about it.
>
>I'm careful to assert that I am not one of those moms who waits till dad
>
>gets home to deal with something, or tells dad and expects dad to do the
>
>disciplining. I have only spanked Deven one time though, and I again
>confess
>that there are days when I think he should get a spanking, but for some
>reason I hesitate to do that. Steve isn't really for spanking unless
>it's
>something huge we're dealing with, like if Deven were to run into the
>street
>when there is oncoming traffic, or get angry and run away.
>
>Rhonda
>
>Rhonda
>
>----- Original Message -----
>From: "Pickrell, Rebecca M (TASC Inc)" <REBECCA.PICKRELL at tasc.com>
>To: "NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
>Sent: Friday, January 15, 2010 8:44 AM
>Subject: Re: [blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children
>
>
>One more thing, you mention hat your husband "backs you up". Wondering
>if he ever serves as prime and you serve as backup and if that might
>make a difference?
>
>-----Original Message-----
>From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org]
>On Behalf Of Rhonda Scott
>Sent: Thursday, January 14, 2010 4:09 PM
>To: NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List
>Subject: Re: [blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children
>
>These are great ideas, Leanne and I thank you.
>
>Unfortunately, we do not belong to a church. I think I am the only
>person in
>our household who is open to choosing one. But perhaps there are
>community
>activities we can tap into. That will take some research. One thing
>recently
>is basketball tryouts after school for the next couple of weeks, then he
>
>will find out if he made the team. So we will have that to take away if
>his
>behaviors become major issues. He's very excited to be allowed to try
>out. I
>agree with you that he is tired of being punished and scolded by the
>same
>people. He has a teacher at school he looks up to, and he has a
>counselor
>who is relatively new, but who he is beginning to ask about in terms of
>when
>he will see her again. I think these are good signs.
>
>My husband backs me up completely. If we have minor disagreements, we
>talk
>about them privately. It has just come to the point for me that I don't
>know
>of a punishment that will have any impact on Deven repeating the action
>in
>the future. Deven requires a fair amount of attention, and he will seek
>negative attention if he feels he is not getting enough positive
>attention.
>During the week when both Steve and I work 10 hour days, it's hard on
>Deven
>because he needs to entertain and amuse himself. Like Mason, he has a
>ton of
>pent up energy that gets him in trouble at times.
>
>But at any rate, I think those of you who shared that activities outside
>the
>home would do wonders are absolutely right. We get nervous that he might
>get
>angry over something and have an episode in a group setting with lots of
>
>other children, but that would just mean he would have to miss out as
>his
>punishment.
>
>Oh, and homework will be an issue here as well. The difference is, Deven
>is
>going into Resource, and not turning his in will not count against him
>at
>this time. We're very proud that he's making the transition from a self
>contained classroom to the Resource room. I just want to somehow
>encourage
>him to care about meeting his learning goals, and not think how cool it
>is
>when he learns he doesn't really have to do the work assigned.
>
>Rhonda
>
>----- Original Message -----
>From: "Leanne Merren" <leemer02 at gmail.com>
>To: "NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
>Sent: Thursday, January 14, 2010 2:14 PM
>Subject: Re: [blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children
>
>
>Rhonda,
>Is he involved with any kind of club or group activity outside of the
>home?
>I was having a lot of the same trouble with Mason until he started going
>to
>Cadettes at church on Wednesday nights.  This has made a big difference
>because I now have something to take away if he does wrong.  He actually
>had
>to stay home this week because he didn't turn in his homework when he
>was
>supposed to, and that has been an ongoing problem with him.  Once when
>he
>knocked down a picture with his ball and it broke, instead of telling me
>he
>tucked it under the couch.  Then when I found it and asked him about it,
>he
>lied and said he had no idea how that had happened.  I had asked his
>sister
>though and she had seen him do it and told me what happened.  So I had
>to
>force the truth out of him, and since he had lied to me he had to miss
>laser
>tag with Cadettes that week.  It broke my heart to do it both times, but
>it
>worked.  After he lost the laser tag outing he didn't lie for a really
>long
>time.  I'm hoping he'll get his homework in for a while now too. *smile*
>The other good thing about the Cadettes program is that he has
>counselors
>there that he looks up to.  I believe that kids need role models outside
>of
>the home.  Parents of course have to do their best to teach them at
>home,
>since that is where it starts, but I think kids get tired of hearing the
>same things over and over from the same people, and having someone else
>that
>they respect can really make a difference.
>Cadettes is just like boy scouts, so that is the sort of thing I'm
>thinking
>of.  Not sure if that is an option for him but it's a thought.
>I've also gotten creative with my punishments, like making Mason run
>laps if
>he is doing things because he has too much energy and needs to get it
>out.
>I've also given him extra chores.
>I do think you have to have clear boundaries and stick to them.  If he
>isn't
>allowed in the desk, then he shouldn't be in the desk.  Hopefully your
>husband is backing you up in these things.  You're going to get a lot
>farther if you are united in your disciplinary measures.
>Leanne
>----- Original Message -----
>From: "Rhonda Scott" <earthmagic7 at sbcglobal.net>
>To: "NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
>Sent: Tuesday, January 12, 2010 4:40 PM
>Subject: [blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children
>
>
> > Hi all,
> >
> > How do some of you decide what is worth disciplining for, and what is
> > really not a huge deal? In our house we have quite a bit of fibbing
>and
> > lying, which is a very sore spot with me. We also have a tiny bit of
>Deven
> > helping himself to things that don't belong to him because he feels he
> > needs them for something he wants to do, or to food, which I don't
>mind so
> > much except he eats in the living room and leaves a trail behind him.
>It
> > really is a matter of asking for that screwdriver he needs to take the
>lid
> > off a battery compartment to replace the batteries in a toy. But desk
> > drawers where those are kept are 1 of the places off limits. He
>recently
> > took sewing needles from my sewing box because he wanted to poke holes
>in
> > something, and he did not take the time to tell me he broke those
>needles,
> > or to clean up the remnants of the needles.
> >
> > So I'm frustrated, and trying to learn to pick my battles. I have
>tried
> > explaining to him that some of the things he does can hurt people,
>like
> > fragments of needles in carpets, and that asking would really get him
>a
> > lot further than taking. But no taking away of things or discussing,
>or
> > explaining are getting me anywhere with him. Nothing he owns seems to
>mean
> > enough to him that punishing him by taking toys and such away makes
>any
> > difference.
> >
> > Thoughts and feedback appreciated.
> >
> > Rhonda