[blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children

[Deborah Kent Stein]

It sounds to me like Rhonda is working hard to navigate a very stressful 
situation.  I don't get the impression from her posts that her marriage is 
in trouble, and it really is not our business on this list to try to analyze 
anyone's personal situation.  Our focus is issues that pertain to being a 
blind parent.

Debbie

----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Pickrell, Rebecca M (TASC Inc)" <REBECCA.PICKRELL at tasc.com>
To: "NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Thursday, January 21, 2010 11:47 AM
Subject: Re: [blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children


> Hi Rhonda.
> I think V's suggestion of having Deven help in the garage and the YMCA
> is a great one.
> I also think that you need to talk with Steve. His going from task to
> task and "inability to sit still" apparently works for him. You chose to
> marry him, so that trait isn't a deal braker for you. Why not ask him
> and maybe his mom for coping techniques rather than viewing Deven as
> being a "problem child".
> As for computer time, v. going outside, I think that if it's a choice
> between Deven playing with the bad boys (and girls too), then the
> computer time is better. The last thing you want is for a good kid with
> poor decision-making abilities to hang around bad kids. You also
> probablywant to make sure these kids are real trouble v. just being kids
> who may think differently then you do. In any event, I don't think
> saying "Scram, I have work to do" is the approach you want to take.
> As for family day, I'd lay off the games. Some kids just don't like
> playing games with their parents because either way they feel bad. If
> they lose the game, then they are "loosers" and they've disappointed mom
> or dad. If they win, then Mom or Dad lost, and they must feel bad about
> that right? So, I'd try to find other things for you all to do.
> Finally, I'd have a talk with Steve. He needs to understand that he's
> got full custody of Deven now, so he can't escape into the garage and do
> "work". He and Devon can work in the garage together, but it isn't okay
> for Steve to decide he's had enough and go out into the garage. You need
> to put your foot down on this one.
> Finally, you need to figure out why you'd want to spank a kid after a
> bad day. Why would you want to inflict pain and humiliation ona person
> no matter the circumstances? Would you want someone to treat your
> daughter or son this way? If you simply don't know how to deal, I'd look
> into a parenting class. If lashing out is your normal patern, I'd go to
> a doctor, get a checkup and pay attention to your own trigger points,
> i.e. hunger, thirst, being too hot or too cold, being too overtired,
> stuff like that, so you can get a grip and treat Deven like the human
> being he is.
> Finally, if you can't or simply don't want to learn to at least like
> Deven, you need to figure out if the marriage with his dad is what you
> want. It's okay to not want it. Better to be honest then be ugly toward
> Deven who doesn't have a choice in living with you and in taking
> whatever you or Steve dish out.
> Good luck with whatever you guys decide to do. I think finding an
> activity outside of the home and guidingDeven toward things he values
> will make a world of difference.
> Finally, have you asked him what he likes so much about online games?
> You may be surprised by the answers and be able to find a real-world
> activity with the same elements. Reenactting comes right to my mind.
>
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org]
> On Behalf Of Rhonda Scott
> Sent: Wednesday, January 20, 2010 3:27 PM
> To: NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List
> Subject: Re: [blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children
>
> Steve is going to find Deven an engine he can take apart and hopefully
> want
> to learn to put back together again. Right now Deven is given the option
> of
> joining us in the shop, and sometimes we turn off the TV and tell him he
>
> needs to play outdoors for a little while. He opts to not hang out, but
> we're thinking maybe if dad offered one on one time, and tries to teach
> him
> something about tearing something apart in a positive manner and
> re-assembling it, he may take a bit of interest. It is the attention
> span
> that is against us here usually. We are not huge believers in
> medication,
> but in Deven's case, we have seen proof firsthand that if he doesn't
> have a
> med to help with impulse control issues and hyperactivity, he tends to
> get
> into a lot of trouble.
>
> My office tasks I think I need to keep for just me. He wants to use my
> computer in the worst way for playing online games, and though I know I
> could create his own log-on account so he can't access my files and
> desktop,
> I hesitate to do that because he is already so glued to TV and the WII.
> Thoughts about this would be appreciated too. I don't want to take away
> what
> is good for him, I just feel that with TV watching and video games,
> allowing
> him computer access to play games is only encouraging him to stay away
> from
> thinking his own thoughts, the real world, etc. We already have a
> challenge
> with helping him see the difference between what he sees in movies and
> what
> is real.
>
> Rhonda
>
> ----- Original Message ----- 
> From: "Veronica Smith" <madison_tewe at spinn.net>
> To: "'NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List'" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
> Sent: Wednesday, January 20, 2010 2:42 PM
> Subject: Re: [blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children
>
>
> Ok, just one question.  Can Devin work in the garage with dad?  This
> might
> be a wonderful place for some real quality time with dad and how about
> you
> teaching him about the office aspect?  Do you think he might want to
> learn
> just a little bit. V
>
>
> _______________________________________________
> blparent mailing list
> blparent at nfbnet.org
> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/blparent_nfbnet.org
> To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
> blparent:
> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/options/blparent_nfbnet.org/rebecca.pickre
> ll%40tasc.com
>
> _______________________________________________
> blparent mailing list
> blparent at nfbnet.org
> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/blparent_nfbnet.org
> To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for 
> blparent:
> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/options/blparent_nfbnet.org/dkent5817%40worldnet.att.net