[blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children

Thu Jan 21 17:47:11 UTC 2010

Hi Rhonda. 
I think V's suggestion of having Deven help in the garage and the YMCA
is a great one. 
I also think that you need to talk with Steve. His going from task to
task and "inability to sit still" apparently works for him. You chose to
marry him, so that trait isn't a deal braker for you. Why not ask him
and maybe his mom for coping techniques rather than viewing Deven as
being a "problem child". 
As for computer time, v. going outside, I think that if it's a choice
between Deven playing with the bad boys (and girls too), then the
computer time is better. The last thing you want is for a good kid with
poor decision-making abilities to hang around bad kids. You also
probablywant to make sure these kids are real trouble v. just being kids
who may think differently then you do. In any event, I don't think
saying "Scram, I have work to do" is the approach you want to take. 
As for family day, I'd lay off the games. Some kids just don't like
playing games with their parents because either way they feel bad. If
they lose the game, then they are "loosers" and they've disappointed mom
or dad. If they win, then Mom or Dad lost, and they must feel bad about
that right? So, I'd try to find other things for you all to do. 
Finally, I'd have a talk with Steve. He needs to understand that he's
got full custody of Deven now, so he can't escape into the garage and do
"work". He and Devon can work in the garage together, but it isn't okay
for Steve to decide he's had enough and go out into the garage. You need
to put your foot down on this one. 
Finally, you need to figure out why you'd want to spank a kid after a
bad day. Why would you want to inflict pain and humiliation ona person
no matter the circumstances? Would you want someone to treat your
daughter or son this way? If you simply don't know how to deal, I'd look
into a parenting class. If lashing out is your normal patern, I'd go to
a doctor, get a checkup and pay attention to your own trigger points,
i.e. hunger, thirst, being too hot or too cold, being too overtired,
stuff like that, so you can get a grip and treat Deven like the human
being he is. 
Finally, if you can't or simply don't want to learn to at least like
Deven, you need to figure out if the marriage with his dad is what you
want. It's okay to not want it. Better to be honest then be ugly toward
Deven who doesn't have a choice in living with you and in taking
whatever you or Steve dish out. 
Good luck with whatever you guys decide to do. I think finding an
activity outside of the home and guidingDeven toward things he values
will make a world of difference. 
Finally, have you asked him what he likes so much about online games?
You may be surprised by the answers and be able to find a real-world
activity with the same elements. Reenactting comes right to my mind. 

-----Original Message-----
From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org]
On Behalf Of Rhonda Scott
Sent: Wednesday, January 20, 2010 3:27 PM
To: NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List
Subject: Re: [blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children

Steve is going to find Deven an engine he can take apart and hopefully
want 
to learn to put back together again. Right now Deven is given the option
of 
joining us in the shop, and sometimes we turn off the TV and tell him he

needs to play outdoors for a little while. He opts to not hang out, but 
we're thinking maybe if dad offered one on one time, and tries to teach
him 
something about tearing something apart in a positive manner and 
re-assembling it, he may take a bit of interest. It is the attention
span 
that is against us here usually. We are not huge believers in
medication, 
but in Deven's case, we have seen proof firsthand that if he doesn't
have a 
med to help with impulse control issues and hyperactivity, he tends to
get 
into a lot of trouble.

My office tasks I think I need to keep for just me. He wants to use my 
computer in the worst way for playing online games, and though I know I 
could create his own log-on account so he can't access my files and
desktop, 
I hesitate to do that because he is already so glued to TV and the WII. 
Thoughts about this would be appreciated too. I don't want to take away
what 
is good for him, I just feel that with TV watching and video games,
allowing 
him computer access to play games is only encouraging him to stay away
from 
thinking his own thoughts, the real world, etc. We already have a
challenge 
with helping him see the difference between what he sees in movies and
what 
is real.

Rhonda

----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Veronica Smith" <madison_tewe at spinn.net>
To: "'NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List'" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Wednesday, January 20, 2010 2:42 PM
Subject: Re: [blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children

Ok, just one question.  Can Devin work in the garage with dad?  This
might
be a wonderful place for some real quality time with dad and how about
you
teaching him about the office aspect?  Do you think he might want to
learn
just a little bit. V

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