[blparent] dealing with the public
Amy Murillo-Hicks
amym2 at cox.net
Tue May 25 02:35:57 UTC 2010
This is a very good point. Were these ladies at church older than you?
----- Original Message -----
From: "Jo Elizabeth Pinto" <jopinto at pcdesk.net>
To: "NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Monday, May 24, 2010 3:21 PM
Subject: Re: [blparent] dealing with the public
> Hi Leslie. I truly understand how hard it is to feel conspicuous in a
> place like church, when your baby is crying or fussing, and a bunch of
> well-meaning ladies gather around to help. But as hard as it is, remember
> that it isn't all about your blindness, and it isn't usually even that the
> well-meaning ladies don't think you're doing your job, or don't think
> you're a good mom. A big part of it is, people generally love babies and
> get all gooey around them, and don't think about the messages they may be
> putting across to the mothers. I used to feel that I was getting judged
> as a parent when people at church tried to take over, and then some
> sighted moms told me that it had happened to them, too! Everybody likes
> to think she has the answer when a baby is crying, and even if the baby
> stops for one given person or with one given activity like rocking or
> singing, it could just be that the baby happened to be done crying at that
> moment. So I would say first, take it easy on yourself, and try to
> resolve any misgivings you might have that make you feel you are getting
> judged by others. We're often harder on ourselves than anybody else would
> ever be on us.
>
> The other thing that helped me a lot was to get a couple of women at my
> church in my corner. If you have friends there, or acquaintances who have
> confidence in your abilities, talk to them about how you feel. Ask them
> to watch out for the times when others crowd around you and try to take
> over. I found that a few remarks like "She looks like she's doing fine to
> me" or "Mom's got it all under control" went further in getting people to
> back off when they came from others than when I said them myself. It was
> like the ones who were taking over suddenly went along with the consensus
> of the group that I was doing okay by myself.
>
> The second tip I've gleaned from hard experience is, stick to what you
> say, even if you sound like a broken record. Sarah and I were at a church
> potluck yesterday, and when it was time to eat, Sarah decided she wasn't
> ready and started to have a temper tantrum. One of the women at church
> went right over to her and tried coaxing her, then ordering her, to sit
> down at the table. Neither approach had the slightest effect on Sarah. I
> just kept repeating that everybody should sit down and leave Sarah alone,
> ignoring the fit, and it would stop in under a minute. Finally, that's
> exactly what everyone did, and as I predicted, in less than a minute,
> Sarah came over to me of her own free will and asked to sit on my lap and
> have some fruit. Stick to your guns.
>
> If there is a particular person who persists in trying to take over, as
> there was with Sarah and me, you might have to confront her privately. I
> have a really good friend, who is Sarah's adopted Nanna, and I wouldn't
> trade her for anything in the world. But especially in the beginning, she
> was always jumping in as soon as Sarah whimpered, or taking her out of my
> arms and disappearing. I had to sit down with her at a time when I wasn't
> feeling hurt or offended. I calmly told her the way she was acting made
> me feel that she thought I wasn't a good mom, or wasn't doing my job well
> enough. She was honestly horrified. She said she never intended to make
> me feel that way, and that she thought I was doing a great job. She told
> me she was trying to step in and give me a break because she knew I had
> Sarah by myself most of the time all week, and she loved the baby and
> wanted some cuddle time as well as giving me a chance to relax. She told
> me if I ever felt that she was taking over, I should just stop her and be
> blunt and truthful, because she didn't take hints well. Once we were both
> on the same page, she got her Nanna time, I got a break, and I didn't feel
> judged. I've had to call her on her actions a few times--and she was
> right, hints didn't work so I had to be forthright with her--but as soon
> as she realizes she's pushing too far, she's been plenty willing to back
> off.
>
> Sorry this was so long. I don't know your exact situation, but I hope
> some of what I've learned over the last couple of years will help you.
> Just remember, you're a good mom. All babies cry, and all babies cry in
> public places when we would rather they didn't. That's no reflection on
> you, and neither are the reactions of others, whether they're well-meaning
> or judgmental. Hang in there.
>
> Jo Elizabeth
>
>
> --------------------------------------------------
> From: "Leslie Hamric" <lhamric930 at comcast.net>
> Sent: Monday, May 24, 2010 3:41 PM
> To: "'NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List'" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
> Subject: [blparent] dealing with the public
>
>> Hi group. I wanted to tell you about a situation that happened
>> yesterday.
>> My husband and I were at a church doing and he had left me alone with the
>> baby for a few minutes to go talk with some other people. Michael
>> started
>> getting all fussy and crying and I immediately bent down to his carseat
>> and
>> started rocking it like I normaly do. Well, besides having this one lady
>> ask me things like do you want me to hold him, I can try, I love babies,
>> do
>> you need help rocking him, are you sure ou don't want me to hold him,
>> etc.
>> etc. I had three or 4 other ladies crowd around him, getting in his face,
>> look for his pacifier which was right with my hand's reach, and start
>> talking to him which made him cry more. Funny they all left me alone
>> when
>> my husband came back. I know these women from choir and although they
>> were
>> wel intentioned, I felt very uncomfortable. They indirectly made me feel
>> like I wasn't doing my job. I kept saying, no thanks, I have it and it
>> still
>> didn't do any good. I'm wondering how have you all dealt with similar
>> situations in the past? My second question is, is there a such thing as
>> being nice but firm when trying to get well-intentioned folks to back
>> off?
>> How else could I have handled it besides freezing up and feeling hurt?
>> Thanks for any input.
>>
>> Leslie
>>
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>
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