[blparent] dealing with the public

Mon May 24 23:45:49 UTC 2010

Jo Elizabeth, wonderful advice. Thanks so much for your insights.
----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Jo Elizabeth Pinto" <jopinto at pcdesk.net>
To: "NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Monday, May 24, 2010 5:21 PM
Subject: Re: [blparent] dealing with the public


> Hi Leslie.  I truly understand how hard it is to feel conspicuous in a 
> place like church, when your baby is crying or fussing, and a bunch of 
> well-meaning ladies gather around to help.  But as hard as it is, remember 
> that it isn't all about your blindness, and it isn't usually even that the 
> well-meaning ladies don't think you're doing your job, or don't think 
> you're a good mom.  A big part of it is, people generally love babies and 
> get all gooey around them, and don't think about the messages they may be 
> putting across to the mothers.  I used to feel that I was getting judged 
> as a parent when people at church tried to take over, and then some 
> sighted moms told me that it had happened to them, too!  Everybody likes 
> to think she has the answer when a baby is crying, and even if the baby 
> stops for one given person or with one given activity like rocking or 
> singing, it could just be that the baby happened to be done crying at that 
> moment.  So I would say first, take it easy on yourself, and try to 
> resolve any misgivings you might have that make you feel you are getting 
> judged by others.  We're often harder on ourselves than anybody else would 
> ever be on us.
>
> The other thing that helped me a lot was to get a couple of women at my 
> church in my corner.  If you have friends there, or acquaintances who have 
> confidence in your abilities, talk to them about how you feel.  Ask them 
> to watch out for the times when others crowd around you and try to take 
> over. I found that a few remarks like "She looks like she's doing fine to 
> me" or "Mom's got it all under control" went further in getting people to 
> back off when they came from others than when I said them myself.  It was 
> like the ones who were taking over suddenly went along with the consensus 
> of the group that I was doing okay by myself.
>
> The second tip I've gleaned from hard experience is, stick to what you 
> say, even if you sound like a broken record.  Sarah and I were at a church 
> potluck yesterday, and when it was time to eat, Sarah decided she wasn't 
> ready and started to have a temper tantrum.  One of the women at church 
> went right over to her and tried coaxing her, then ordering her, to sit 
> down at the table.  Neither approach had the slightest effect on Sarah.  I 
> just kept repeating that everybody should sit down and leave Sarah alone, 
> ignoring the fit, and it would stop in under a minute.  Finally, that's 
> exactly what everyone did, and as I predicted, in less than a minute, 
> Sarah came over to me of her own free will and asked to sit on my lap and 
> have some fruit. Stick to your guns.
>
> If there is a particular person who persists in trying to take over, as 
> there was with Sarah and me, you might have to confront her privately.  I 
> have a really good friend, who is Sarah's adopted Nanna, and I wouldn't 
> trade her for anything in the world.  But especially in the beginning, she 
> was always jumping in as soon as Sarah whimpered, or taking her out of my 
> arms and disappearing.  I had to sit down with her at a time when I wasn't 
> feeling hurt or offended.  I calmly told her the way she was acting made 
> me feel that she thought I wasn't a good mom, or wasn't doing my job well 
> enough.  She was honestly horrified.  She said she never intended to make 
> me feel that way, and that she thought I was doing a great job.  She told 
> me she was trying to step in and give me a break because she knew I had 
> Sarah by myself most of the time all week, and she loved the baby and 
> wanted some cuddle time as well as giving me a chance to relax.  She told 
> me if I ever felt that she was taking over, I should just stop her and be 
> blunt and truthful, because she didn't take hints well.  Once we were both 
> on the same page, she got her Nanna time, I got a break, and I didn't feel 
> judged.  I've had to call her on her actions a few times--and she was 
> right, hints didn't work so I had to be forthright with her--but as soon 
> as she realizes she's pushing too far, she's been plenty willing to back 
> off.
>
> Sorry this was so long.  I don't know your exact situation, but I hope 
> some of what I've learned over the last couple of years will help you. 
> Just remember, you're a good mom.  All babies cry, and all babies cry in 
> public places when we would rather they didn't.  That's no reflection on 
> you, and neither are the reactions of others, whether they're well-meaning 
> or judgmental.  Hang in there.
>
> Jo Elizabeth
>
>
> --------------------------------------------------
> From: "Leslie Hamric" <lhamric930 at comcast.net>
> Sent: Monday, May 24, 2010 3:41 PM
> To: "'NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List'" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
> Subject: [blparent] dealing with the public
>
>> Hi group.  I wanted to tell you about a situation that happened 
>> yesterday.
>> My husband and I were at a church doing and he had left me alone with the
>> baby for a few minutes to go talk with some other people.  Michael 
>> started
>> getting all fussy and crying and I immediately bent down to his carseat 
>> and
>> started rocking it like I normaly do.  Well, besides having this one lady
>> ask me things like do you want me to hold him, I can try, I love babies, 
>> do
>> you need help rocking him, are you sure ou don't want me to hold him, 
>> etc.
>> etc. I had three or 4 other ladies crowd around him, getting in his face,
>> look for his pacifier which was right with my hand's reach,  and start
>> talking to him which made him cry more.  Funny they all left me alone 
>> when
>> my husband came back.  I know these women from choir and although they 
>> were
>> wel intentioned, I felt very uncomfortable.  They indirectly made me feel
>> like I wasn't doing my job. I kept saying, no thanks, I have it and it 
>> still
>> didn't do any good. I'm wondering how have you all dealt with similar
>> situations in the past?  My second question is, is there a such thing as
>> being nice but firm when trying to get well-intentioned folks to back 
>> off?
>> How else could I have handled it besides freezing up and feeling hurt?
>> Thanks for any input.
>>
>> Leslie
>>
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>
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