[blparent] Public Situations (was What's your Opinion of spanking)

[Jo Elizabeth Pinto]

> I think as blind parents we sometimes feel particularly vulnerable when 
> our kids act out in a public situation, since we're always aware that 
> we're being observed and that our parenting abilities are being 
> questioned.  I am wondering what methods others have found helpful when a 
> child gets out of hand at a picnic, school event, wedding reception, etc. 
> For instance, if the blind parent got a ride with someone else, then 
> packing up and leaving may not be an option.
>
> Debbie
>
Hi, Debbie.  It's only a matter of time before any toddler acts out in 
public.  I've felt terribly vulnerable during these situations, but I've 
found that keeping my composure is the best thing I can do.

Packing up and leaving isn't always an option for me because very often, 
I've gotten a ride with other people who wouldn't want to have their fun cut 
short.  My strategy during tantrums has been to get Sarah as far away from 
the action as I can, so that first of all, she won't disturb anybody and 
secondly, she won't get attention from any well-meaning people who want to 
interfere.  When we're in a safe spot, one that is as private as could be 
hoped for on a public street or in a church, I just tell Sarah that she is 
free to cry and carry on, we'll go back to what we were doing when she's 
finished.  Then I turn my back so that it's obvious I'm not going to 
interact with her.  She usually settles down within a few minutes, but let 
me tell you, it can feel like hours.  She tells me when she's done, and we 
go back to the activity we left.

It's all easier said than done sometimes.  I've had neighbors come out to 
see why my child is sitting on the sidewalk wailing.  I've had people at 
church wanting to step in with doughnuts or bribes of trips to the park, 
which I try to head off because I don't want to reward tantrums.  I just 
say, as calmly and cheerfully as I can, that Sarah has decided she wants to 
cry, and when she's all done, we'll get back to what we were doing.  People 
seem to buy that explanation, and the vulnerability I feel I know is largely 
coming from inside myself.  It's easy to get it in your head that other 
people are doubting you when it's really you yourself that don't feel 
confident in your abilities.  So far, these hints have worked for me.

As for spanking, I don't think it would do any good to spank Sarah in the 
middle of a tantrum because it would only get her more worked up.  I've 
given a swat here or there, once or twice when Sarah ran out into the 
parking lot without holding my hand, and a few times when she just plain 
blatantly did something for the third or fourth time in a row that I had 
told her very clearly not to do, like climbing on something she could fall 
off of easily or trying to kick me in the face and chest while she was on 
her changing table and wanted to be set free.

I mostly feel awful after I've given a swat.  The last time, Sarah wailed, 
"Don't hurt my butt anymore!" and I felt like the worst mom in the world. 
So all in all, I'm coming to the conclusion that spanking may be a tool to 
be considered, it isn't the most useful tool in the box.  I find that if I 
prepare Sarah for what we are going to do in a public situation, she knows 
what to expect and behaves a lot better.  Same thing when it's time to go 
home, if I give her five or ten minutes' warning, she gets used to the idea 
that we are leaving and doesn't melt down over it.

Sorry for the novel.  Hope some of this helps.

Jo Elizabeth