[blparent] The Toddler Diet

[Erin Rumer]

Hello list,

 

I wanted to send you all something that would put a smile on your face and
thought you'd get a kick out of this joke diet I found on-line.  Enjoy this
Friday funny.

 

Erin

 

People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets
is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get
enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet.)
Consequently, people tend to cheat off their diets, or quit after three
days. Now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet.

Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now
the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may
want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you
may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck!

 

DAY ONE

Breakfast - One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2
bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of
toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes. Get some in your
eyebrows too. It'll give you something to pick at for several hours of
satisfying appetite control.

Lunch - Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of
milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest down your leg).

Dinner - A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of stale beer.

Bedtime Snack - Toast piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor. Be
sure to step on it and hear it go crunch!

 

DAY TWO

Breakfast - Pick up stale crunched toast from kitchen floor and eat it.
Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye. Um.
Yummy!

Lunch - Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog
Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon Snack - Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in
dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring
inside and drop on the rug. Wander away without thought.

Dinner - A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left
nostril. Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes; eat with a large strainer
spoon, since taking your time is vital to your dieting success.

 

DAY THREE

Breakfast - Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub in
hair. Don't pull it out later though. It hurts. Glass of milk: drink half,
stuff remainder of picked over pancakes into glass. After breakfast, pick up
yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of
your best chair. Wander away without direction.

Lunch - Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites
onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up. Smear a design on
table with remaining milk. It's good for your artistic expression.

Dinner - Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some wine, and coffee.

 

FINAL DAY

Breakfast - A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an
olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add a half-cup of
sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog. Be sure to
rub some in dog's fur just for fun.

Lunch - Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that
sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner - A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Discard meatball on plate.
Stick of mascara for dessert.

 

Enjoy!