[blparent] experiences of blind parents with more than one small child

[Lisamaria Martinez]

Hi,

I'm excited to have another baby when the time is right. I've got a
blind friend out in Las Vegas who is about to pop out her second child
in October. Anyhow, my husband saw a blind momma the other day with a
guide dog, a stroller and she was carrying the smaller child in a
carrier. I've seen double strollers out there. And honestly, I'm sure
having a second kid as a sighted person can be just as combersome.

On 8/23/11, Melissa Ann Riccobono <melissa at riccobono.us> wrote:
> Hello Jen and list,
> 	This is very long...  Ve warned.
>
> This is a great discussion.  My husband and I are both blind and we have two
> children.  Austin is 4, and Oriana is 15 months.  Let me open the discussion
> by saying I didn't experience a lot of challenges due to blindness
> specifically...  I, and all parents with more than one child I suspect, face
> the challenges of how to balance the needs of both children while staying
> sane myself.  As my sister, who is also blind by the way, says, "It's a huge
> difference between having one child and two...  After you get used to that,
> having a third child is a lot easier."  (She has three boys who are 12, 9,
> and 7.)
> While I can't say I know what it's like to have three children, I can say it
> is a leap between worrying about one child and all of a sudden adding a baby
> into the mix.  Some things are just hard in general the second time
> around...  Lack of sleep, for example, is a lot harder to deal with if you
> have an older child who doesn't take naps anymore so you can't catch up
> during the day while the baby sleeps.  Some things though, are fantastic.
> Watching your children interact and play with one another...  Having more
> hugs...  Also, just being less worried in general about doing something
> wrong with a new baby because you've all ready done this before.
> 	My husband travels in spurts for his job.  He won't be gone for a
> long time, then all of a sudden he'll have periods when he's gone for a week
> at a stretch, or gone for a few days, back for a few days, and then gone
> again.  We do not have family near us, so we've built up a network of
> friends and people we trust who can watch our kids for a variety of reasons.
> Or, sometimes when my husband is traveling a lot I ask someone to come over
> or go out to dinner with me and the kids so I can have some adult
> conversation.  For the most part though, I handle mornings and
> evenings/nights by myself while my husband is gone.  Austin now goes to a
> fabulous in home day care, which is run more like a preschool, in our
> neighborhood four days a week.  Oriana goes one day a week.  I am the
> president of the National Federation of the Blind of Maryland, which means I
> have to do a lot of work from home, and quite a few meetings and events
> outside the home, on a weekly basis.  Since December I have had a wonderful
> older woman who has helped do driving and other things for the Maryland
> affiliate, and who also watches Oriana quite a bit downstairs in our house
> while I work upstairs.  This is nice because I can go down and see Ori any
> time I want, and I can also nurse her if she wants to nurse during the
> day...  (Yes, she's still nursing some.)  The help I have is directly
> related to the job I'm doing now, and not to the fact that I have two
> children.  Is the help wonderful and appreciated, absolutely!  Would I want
> or need it if I wasn't doing the work I'm doing?  No, I don't think I
> would...  Or, I wouldn't need it as often as I use it now.  My sister stayed
> home with her boys and had very little outside help...  And her husband also
> travels a bit for his job.  Everyone is different though, and if you want
> and can afford extra help, by all means, go for it!
> 	How far apart are you thinking of having your children?  This is a
> question to consider carefully, if you can.  My sister had her kids about
> 2.5 years apart.  She swore by this.  She said it was a lot easier because
> she never got out of the "baby" phase completely.  She still had one in
> diapers when her next child was born, so she was used to doing diaper
> changes.  Also, especially since she ended up having three boys, her kids
> have been interested in similar things while growing up.  I however, really
> wanted my son to be a little older before trying for number two.  I feel
> there is a big difference between a child of 2.5 and a child of 3.  At 2.5 I
> felt as if Austin still really needed me and his dad, and one on one
> attention.  We still rocked him to sleep many nights, and laid in his bed
> other nights to help him sleep.  He wasn't potty trained yet, and I really
> wanted to have one child out of diapers before having a baby.  I had no
> trouble "going backwards" in this respect!  Even Austin's behavior changed a
> lot in just that half a year.  Some of the impulsivity of toddlerhood left,
> and he became more of a "preschooler" who was better able to think of others
> and not just himself, to entertain himself for periods of time, and who had
> more self help skills.  Did and does he still need me and my husband?
> Absolutely!  But overall he was more independent when Oriana was born when
> he was 3.5 than he would have been had she been born when he was 2.5 or even
> 3.  Now I didn't want my kids five years apart...  For me, that seemed too
> big of a gap, but there are others who swear by this method because their
> older child is in kindergarten, or almost there, and then they can start
> over with a baby
> 	 As far as carseats go, sometimes another year or half year between
> children can make the difference between traveling with two carseats or
> traveling with a carseat and a booster seat.  Unfortunately, in my case,
> this plan did not work out because, although Austin is plenty tall enough
> for a booster, he's still a couple of pounds under weight for one.  This
> means hauling around two car seats is our reality, at least for a little
> longer.  I do have to say I hire drivers more often than I used to in order
> to run errands.  Or, I wait to run them until both kids are at day care, or
> until at least Austin is out of the mix.  When traveling with both kids to
> run errands, a driver is nice because I can leave the car seats in the car.
> We can also go when the errands are done instead of having to wait for a
> ride.  Of course, it's a lot easier to travel with only Oriana on errands
> because I only have to deal with one car seat if I am by myself.  I
> certainly have hauled two car seats however.  I have a Sit 'N' Stroll, so
> Oriana uses it for her carseat.  This means I can pull her behind me, have
> Austin's car seat on my other arm, and still use my dog for short distances.
> There are also bags you can get so you can put a car seat over your shoulder
> or on your back.  If I had to do a lot of hauling of car seats, I would
> definitely invest in one of these.  Right now though, I am able to take the
> bus, walk, or hire drivers most of the time.
> 	We also have a wagon with two seats.  Austin usually likes to walk
> now, but if he gets tired it's nice to have a place for him to ride, and
> Oriana loves the wagon as well.  I also sometimes take Oriana in her
> backpack, depending on where we're going, and that leaves my hand free to
> hold Austin's hand.
> 	As far as keeping both children safe...  To me, this is not that
> different than keeping one child safe...  Although, of course, there are
> differences.  But it's just learning to listen for one child while
> interacting with the other, and/or doing the same thing with both
> children...  You develop techniques that work for you and your children.
> Certainly there is the issue with small toys.  Austin is very into Legos
> right now, and also a set called Motor Works which has plastic vehicles he
> can take apart and put back together.  All of these vehicles have small
> plastic screws Oriana could easily swallow.  So we have rules about where he
> can play with these toys, where they are stored, how quickly he has to pick
> them up when he's done with them, etc.  It's a little more difficult because
> Oriana has been trying to climb on all of the furniture lately, but this
> just means I need to be more in tune with Oriana, where she is, and what
> she's doing when I know these small toys are being played with.  Also, you
> have a few months to get used to your new baby and your new situation before
> that baby really starts moving around and getting into things.  Again, I
> think all of parenting is a learning process, and you figure things out as
> you go.
> 	Again, all parents who go from one child to two have questions.
> And, all parents have accidents happen to their children when they turn
> their back for that split second it takes to answer the phone, take
> something out of the oven, etc.  If you can, try to take blindness out of
> the mix for a while when you're deciding to have another child.  Do you have
> the finances to care for another child.  Do you have enough love to go
> around?  Do you want your son or daughter to have a sibling?  Also, think
> back to the questions and fears you had before you had your first child.
> I'm sure you had many--yet, things must be going very well if you are even
> talking about a second child, which means you've answered those questions
> and conqurred those fears.  I suspect you will have the same experience if
> you decide to take the jump and go for number two.
> 	Sorry for the long post, and thanks for reading if you've gotten
> this far.  I certainly do not have all of the answers, but I would be happy
> to talk to you any time off list or via phone if I can answer any questions
> for you.  My email is melissa at riccobono.us
> Good luck with this huge, and very personal decision!
> Melissa
>
>
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