[blparent] Co-sleeping with toddler

[Erin Rumer]

Thanks for your comments Bridget, like you said we all have our own opinions
and parenting styles and I'm thankful for parents like you because you help
me build a stronger back bone toward my beliefs of how I'm raising Dawson
and being more confident that what I'm doing is right for him.  I used to
care more what people thought, and then I realized that there's a lot of
unsound advice out there and I need to do what I know is right for Dawson in
my heart.  I agree that we can share wisdom with one another and I really
recommend a book call "The No Cry Solution" and anything from Dr. Sears.
Babies cry and it's there only way to communicate with us.  If we ignore
that then we are telling our child that we will not be there for them when
they need us.  Children Dawson's age don't have the ability to manipulate
like an adult can and that's where a lot of parents make mistakes in
thinking that their child's cries are manipulative tactics to "get at their
parents".  The sooner a child learns that their needs are going to be met,
the more confident and secure that child is going to be and the less
manipulative they're actually going to have to be as they get older because
their needs are being met.  A child that has to worry about whether or not
their parent is going to be there for them or not is spending precious
energy on just surviving in getting their basic needs met and not focusing
on learning and just being a fun loving kid.  I see this in my everyday life
with Dawson.  When he cries, I go to him and take care of him and he stops
crying immediately.  He is calm and confident in nearly every situation in
our day-to-day life which tells me I'm doing the right thing.  I know that a
lot of this could be personality as well, but my parenting methods are only
fostering this behavior because I'm telling him that I'm there for him and
will nurture him always. 

We live in a society that is so barbaric compared to other countries when it
comes to some of these topics.  We are a culture that makes teddy bears that
sing our children to sleep and have heart beat sounds just so we can avoid
holding and singing to our own babies.  We have cribs that rock our children
and bottle proper's to feed them all so we can avoid doing our parental
duties.  These tools are alright on a rare occasion, but some people use
them all the time.  My husband and some dear friends make sure I get some me
time so I definitely don't feel deprived in this category and now that I can
nurse Dawson on our bed that's on the floor and sneak away at night to get
some time to myself, it's even better.  Our attitude as parents needs to be,
how can I meet my child's needs while also meeting my own, rather than, my
kid's going to do what I want despite their needs and they'll adjust to
that.  Studies have shown across the board that the baby that is left to cry
it out stops crying eventually, not because they've learned to be a better
baby, but rather because they've begun to just give up and are very confused
and insecure about whether or not their parent is going to be there for them
when they need them.  I know some other parents who do the cry it out method
and I watch their children very closely during play group.  These are the
kids that are screaming louder and are much more disengaged with mom when it
comes to relaxing and having fun time because they're more concerned with
getting their basic needs met.  I guess the best way I can describe it is
that these are the children that seem much more stressed out compared to
their peers.

You cannot spoil a baby with love and affection and when Dawson grows up to
be a confident, secure man because his needs were met growing up and he was
allowed to be a baby, then my hard work as a mom will shine at its
brightest.  I'm going to make mistakes like everyone, but holding my child
when he cries and going to him when he needs me is something I know in my
heart is a good thing I'm doing for him.  I'm teaching Dawson how to be not
only a good person, but also a good daddy and husband in the future.  I pray
that I get the opportunity to watch Dawson comfort his babies and laugh and
play with them because that will be one of the most wonderful gifts a parent
could get from their child.

Food for thought,

Erin

-----Original Message-----
From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of Bridgit Pollpeter
Sent: Wednesday, October 26, 2011 5:09 PM
To: blparent at nfbnet.org
Subject: [blparent] Co-sleeping with toddler

Well, looks like I'm going to be the bitch here. LOL Though it's great to
see our kids grow up and become perceptive and aware, you're letting Dawson
have the upperhand. He's not only aware of your intention, he's made the
connection that certain behavior will get him what he wants- out of the crib
and freedom to either stay awake or roam your room at his leisure. It's not
processed quite this intelligently, but on a basic level, he knows what the
situation is and how to respond. You're basically catering to his whims now.

My sister did exactly what you're doing, and her kids to this day rule the
roost. They set their own bedtimes, eat when they want and know how to
manipulate the situation to get what they want. This was all learned at an
early age. The oldest at seven is still like this.

Crying is a healthy, natural part of life. Crying doesn't mean they are hurt
or that you're a bad parent. Penny, at two-years-old, has to cry it out for
an hour at times before falling asleep. Usually she just plays in her bed,
but she does cry at times. Nothing will happen to them when they cry though,
and studies actually show it's healthy for children, and adults, to just cry
at times.

No one is the perfect parent, and no one has all the answers. If you can't
accomplish chores or unwind though, there's a problem. And if you're letting
Dawson dictate all this, he's now dominating the situation. Placing the
matress on the floor is just the last straw in my opinion. You want him to
be safe and healthy, but to completely uproot your schedule and life, this
doesn't seem healthy.

It won't kill Dawson or you if he cries and cries in his crib. Children
actually require limits and boundries regardless of how they feel or what
they say and do. Penny has taken to screaming like a night owl when she
wants her way. We've learned to ignore it even when in public. Once she
realizes this doesn't get her attention, or her way, she stops. She will do
it during naptime in her crib too. After she realizes no one is coming to
let her out though, she lays back down and falls asleep.

I know it's tough, and you enjoy the bonding aspect, but honey, that kid is
wrapping his little finger around you much too tight, and he has all the
cards in his hand. You think the crying-it-out method is cruel and
unpleasant, but in a few years, you won't find it so pleasant when Dawson is
always demanding his way and refusing to listen to you. This doesn't mean he
isn't a sweet heart, but he's learning behavior at a young age that is
ingraining certain behavior and ideas that will stick.

And you mention how much you enjoy the bonding aspect, but what about
Dawson? Not that he doesn't like mommy time, or isn't learning anything from
the bonding, but at this point, the bonding seems to be more about how the
experience is for you, and not about what is best for Dawson.
You need time apart from him to unwind, relax, do something just for
yourself, or spend valuable bonding time with your husband. This is all just
as important as bonding with Dawson. Neither one of you seems better for
this scenario; maybe trying something new should be considered.

And if Dawson is always sleeping with you, it won't be easy to have another
child! Smile.

I realize numerous methods and ideas for parenting exist. This is my
opinion, and it's either to be taken or ignored. Do not interpret this as me
saying you're a bad parent either. We all make mistakes, and we all just
want the best for our children. I just think you've dug yourself a hole
that, if continueing, will be difficult to dig out of.
Take control of the situation, and if Dawson has to cry, it won't kill him.
You need time for yourself and with your husband. This is my two cents, and
just an opinion. I have my own parenting issues to deal with; we all do. But
I've learned from this list that we can all offer some wisdom, and we can
learn from one another.

Sincerely,
Bridgit Kuenning-Pollpeter
Read my blog at:
http://blogs.livewellnebraska.com/author/bpollpeter/
 
"History is not what happened; history is what was written down."
The Expected One- Kathleen McGowan

Message: 1
Date: Tue, 25 Oct 2011 10:11:53 -0700
From: "Erin Rumer" <erinrumer at gmail.com>
To: "NFB blind parent listserv" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
Subject: [blparent] co-sleeping with toddler
Message-ID: <002601cc9339$320be100$9623a300$@gmail.com>
Content-Type: text/plain;	charset="us-ascii"

Hello parents,

 

I'd love to hear from those of you who chose to co-sleep with your babies.
My son Dawson who will be one years old on Halloween has been co-sleeping
with my husband and I since he was ten months old.  I absolutely love the
co-sleeping arrangement and in many ways wish I had started it earlier.  The
only snag that I'm finding is that Dawson used to be able and go down in his
crib for the first stretch of the night which was a couple of hours and then
by the time he woke-up I'd be ready to go to bed or my husband would just
bring him into me to co-sleep.
Now Dawson doesn't want to do the first stretch on his own and refuses to go
down without me.  I'm an early to bed person but now not having that few
hours on my own is difficult.  How do those of you with co-sleeping toddlers
usually start out your night?  I'm finding that just letting Dawson play a
little longer in my room with the TV on low helps him start to calm for the
night and then around 8:30 we can lay down together with no stimulation
noise or lights on and he'll fall asleep quickly.  This isn't giving me any
time to unwind for the night though.  I'm still nursing Dawson so daddy
putting him down to bed is out of the question since he needs boob to fall
asleep and that's not a battle I want to start right now especially since
breast feeding is so special and something both Dawson and I love very much.
I'm against cry it out methods and want sleep time to continue to be a
positive and pleasant experience for everyone.

 

Thanks,


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