[blparent] Involvement of Child Services (was introduction, expecting)

[Bernadetta Pracon]

Jo Elizabeth, You just hit the nail on the head. What you said about 
sighted help totally plays into  the point I was trying to make; I 
didn't want to ramble on and on, but I meant to add before that it's 
always  better to rely on help when you need it, rather than try to 
prove to someone that you're so independent, you don't ever need any help.
Of course, no one should have to raise anyone else's child. Extended 
family shouldn't have to sacrifice their entire life to raise their 
blind family member's babies. But there's nothing wrong in involving 
family members, or friends when you need them. Any experienced 
child-care taker knows darn well that a  new baby warrants extra help 
sometimes. I remember this old saying: It takes a village to raise a 
child.  Everyone needs the extra help, sighted, blind--just as jo pointed out.
I'll give you guys my example:
When I got pregnant, my boyfriend and I were living in Boston 
Massachusetts. We had casual friends, but neither of our families lived 
anywhere nearby and we didn't know anyone well enough to want to rely 
on them for help in the event that we needed it. We had only lived 
there for about a year and a half so we didn't have any solid 
connections. So what did we do? We packed up and moved to Connecticut, 
where my family lives. We found a bigger place than we had before, 
which happened to be about a ten minute drive from where my mom lives. 
Were we wrong for choosing to move somewhere where we knew we'd be 
supported by family? No, not at all. We did the responsible thing, and 
my family agreed to help without any persuasion on our part. That 
doesn't mean we depend on them for everything, it doesn't mean that we 
can't care for our baby because we're blind and we need sighted help. 
It just means that we see them a couple times a week, and they come by 
every now and them and relieve us of some baby duties when we need a 
break or are busy with work.
Because we lived so close to family, my mom was actually able to take a 
week off of work so that she could stay with us and help us through the 
transition when the baby came home. So when the doctors and social 
worker asked if we'd have any help, we calmly explained that we 
wouldn't need more help than a sighted person would, but that my mom 
and other family was around to help if necessary. My mom was also there 
to reassure them that, though she wouldn't take over the childcare, 
she'd be there to ease us into the adjustment. That helped the 
healthcare professionals become more at ease with our situation. Social 
workers and doctors aren't some kind of monsters out to get our 
children. Their job is to make sure that kids are safe and cared for at 
home, and if they feel that a kid won't get adequate care, they take 
him or her away. Period.
My boyfriend and I have been extremely fortunate because both our 
families have been extremely supportive during this time. They've 
helped us in ways that many people would wish to be helped when 
starting a new family. As a matter of fact, just today my mom picked up 
my son for the day so she could spend some time with him while I caught 
up on work. And earlier this month, my partner had to travel back to 
his hometown for a funeral, so my uncle came over to occupy the baby 
while I worked on a project with a tight deadline. Did he have to do 
that because I was blind? No, he helped because I was a new mom in need 
of an extra set of hands and eyes. As a matter of fact, he never did 
any of the feeding or changing; I took a break from work to tend to my 
son in that way. So yes, help is necessary for blind parents, and not 
because of blindness.
If I could offer up some advice for those who are fighting the state to 
get their kids back, as well as those expecting children soon, I'd say, 
be honest with social workers, and be prepared. Just because you are 
blind doesn't mean you are superman. No one is expecting you to take 
care of your kid without any extra help. If you tell them you'll be 
just fine without any help, that's when they become alarmed. I don't 
blame them. But be prepared. Plan ahead. Have good, satisfying answers 
that you can offer when you're being asked questions such as:
What will you do when your child has a fever?
or
What do you do in case of emergency?
or even
How do you plan on bathing, feeding, and changing your child?
If you answer any of these questions with an
 "I don't know", then guess what? I don't mean to be harsh, but you 
are, in fact, not prepared to be a parent, which actually does warrant 
that your child be put into state custody. Or at least in the custody 
of someone else. In order to be a parent, you need to prepare yourself. 
That's called being responsible. You can't just say that parenting is 
trial and error, and that you'll fly by the seat of your pants, 
especially when you're a new parent. When babies are involved, you need 
to have a plan in place for every scenario, at least an initial plan. 
Because when an emergency occurs, if you don't even have a basic plan, 
you're likely to make some big mistakes regarding the situation--more 
so then if you did have a plan. And don't be afraid to seek out sighted 
people who can assist you in dire need. Find someone who can drive you 
to the  ER if you need to go, find someone who can be there if your 
baby is terribly sick or something aweful happens. I don't mean to put 
pressure on anyone; My point is, be confident but not overconfident, be 
honest and be prepared. There's not much room for huge errors with 
babies. They're strong, yet fragile. That's why healthcare workers and 
CPS get worried when parents don't seem prepared. If you go by the 
filosophy that parenting a baby is trial and error, then I'd be alarmed 
too. It's not like you can say: Darn, I screwed up terribly, now my 
baby is gravely ill or even dead, well that's ok, I can try again. 
You're all going to hate me for saying this but, babies can die at the 
drop of a hat. If you can't demonstrate even  basic knowledge of caring 
for a baby, then of course CPS is likely to be involved.  A good number 
of them aren't educated and don't believe that blind people make 
successful parents, and they do try pretty hard to catch you off guard 
so they can prove that you'd make a bad parent.  but if you don't give 
them room to make a case, they won't be able to make one.
With that, best of luck to anyone who needs it.

Sorry for the book-length message.

Bernadetta