[blparent] Nikki

[jan wright]

Hi Nikki,
You are going down a slippery slope and I know b/c I have been there.
Spanking and frustration just doesn't work.
Here are some things that might help.
1. Some children do need to know "why." "don't put snow in your glove
because it will be all wet and your hand will get cold." But, if he
does put snow in his glove, it is not that big of a deal because "he"
will face the consequences. Or, you can just calmly say: "Since you
put snow in your glove and now the seat is wet, you need to clean up
your mess."
sometimes, in our haste, we like to tell children all sorts of things
"not" to do. some of them are absolutely necessary: "no pushing," but
some of them have their own consequences: Not playing with a toy
correctly could result in the breaking of that toy and then you won't
be able to play with it at all.

It is going to be more tough for the teacher, but honestly, one
consequence should not fit all of his behavior.
pushing a child might mean that he stays away from other children
until he can respect them and keep his hands to himself. do know that
there are children who might provoke him, especially if he is known
as the one who "always gets in trouble," I have seen children use
another as a scapegoat. And, teachers get use to calling the same name
when a child is in trouble and sometimes, it is not that child's
fault. Sometimes it is, but it is hard to be objective when you are in
the middle of it.
when asking your child to follow directions, make sure that he repeats
them back to you. for an older child, they might even write them down,
first. If you see him get off task, ask him to repeat them again.
Honestly, school sometimes does not understand very active boys. They
don't give them enough free playtime. that is just my own opinion,
though.
I would not set him up to fail. If you know that he has a hard time
listening to direction, don't make it too tough on him. Go slow and
keep it simple.
Instead of asking him "why," maybe you could ask "What took you off
course," or What was hard about following that direction?" or, "what
was going through your mind when you did this?" It is important to
find out whether something distracted him from making the right
decision or if he chose to disobey. Remember, labels can be a self
fulfilling prophecy. It sounds as if you nor your boy has very many
positives. What does he do well? What is he good at? Let's focus on
that for a minute. And, we might be able to build on that.  It sounds
like he likes activities where he might get to freely explore. You
also might want to give him just "random free time." This is time when
he can do whatever he wishes (within reason, of course). Let's say
that he has fifteen minutes each day where he just does whatever he
wants. He might be doing this already, but doesn't realize it. Tell
him that this is the time when he is free to do what he chooses. There
will be no "direction giving," unless he is destructive or harmful.

We, even as adults, don't always do what we should. We spend more time
on the computer than we should, we eat more than we should, etc. I am
not saying to treat him like an adult, just trying to give you some
prospective. It takes a lot of talking, but you can start to teach
consequences here. "When you pushed that boy, what did you think would
happen?" "What did happen?" If he says, "I just wanted to get his
attention," then, you have something to work with: "How could you get
his attention without pushing him?"

and other questions.
These are just some options.
If you think that spanking or a more corporal style is working, then
keep doing it. Oh, it takes some time to adjust, so if you do change
your tactics, know that it will take some time for them to constantly
make a difference.
AX