[blparent] Nikki

[Veronica Smith]

Very well said.  Also choose your battles.  I have a hard time with that
even now.  I get sucked in with the don't do this and don't do that and
forget what the original subject was.  

-----Original Message-----
From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of jan wright
Sent: Wednesday, February 01, 2012 2:38 PM
To: blparent
Subject: [blparent] Nikki

Hi Nikki,
You are going down a slippery slope and I know b/c I have been there.
Spanking and frustration just doesn't work.
Here are some things that might help.
1. Some children do need to know "why." "don't put snow in your glove
because it will be all wet and your hand will get cold." But, if he does put
snow in his glove, it is not that big of a deal because "he"
will face the consequences. Or, you can just calmly say: "Since you put snow
in your glove and now the seat is wet, you need to clean up your mess."
sometimes, in our haste, we like to tell children all sorts of things "not"
to do. some of them are absolutely necessary: "no pushing," but some of them
have their own consequences: Not playing with a toy correctly could result
in the breaking of that toy and then you won't be able to play with it at
all.

It is going to be more tough for the teacher, but honestly, one consequence
should not fit all of his behavior.
pushing a child might mean that he stays away from other children until he
can respect them and keep his hands to himself. do know that there are
children who might provoke him, especially if he is known as the one who
"always gets in trouble," I have seen children use another as a scapegoat.
And, teachers get use to calling the same name when a child is in trouble
and sometimes, it is not that child's fault. Sometimes it is, but it is hard
to be objective when you are in the middle of it.
when asking your child to follow directions, make sure that he repeats them
back to you. for an older child, they might even write them down, first. If
you see him get off task, ask him to repeat them again.
Honestly, school sometimes does not understand very active boys. They don't
give them enough free playtime. that is just my own opinion, though.
I would not set him up to fail. If you know that he has a hard time
listening to direction, don't make it too tough on him. Go slow and keep it
simple.
Instead of asking him "why," maybe you could ask "What took you off course,"
or What was hard about following that direction?" or, "what was going
through your mind when you did this?" It is important to find out whether
something distracted him from making the right decision or if he chose to
disobey. Remember, labels can be a self fulfilling prophecy. It sounds as if
you nor your boy has very many positives. What does he do well? What is he
good at? Let's focus on that for a minute. And, we might be able to build on
that.  It sounds like he likes activities where he might get to freely
explore. You also might want to give him just "random free time." This is
time when he can do whatever he wishes (within reason, of course). Let's say
that he has fifteen minutes each day where he just does whatever he wants.
He might be doing this already, but doesn't realize it. Tell him that this
is the time when he is free to do what he chooses. There will be no
"direction giving," unless he is destructive or harmful.

We, even as adults, don't always do what we should. We spend more time on
the computer than we should, we eat more than we should, etc. I am not
saying to treat him like an adult, just trying to give you some prospective.
It takes a lot of talking, but you can start to teach consequences here.
"When you pushed that boy, what did you think would happen?" "What did
happen?" If he says, "I just wanted to get his attention," then, you have
something to work with: "How could you get his attention without pushing
him?"

and other questions.
These are just some options.
If you think that spanking or a more corporal style is working, then keep
doing it. Oh, it takes some time to adjust, so if you do change your
tactics, know that it will take some time for them to constantly make a
difference.
AX

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