[blparent] Talking about adoption?

[Eileen Levin]

I love the notion of picking one special child out of all the others. Very
cool. 
I'm sure the librarian could help you find books on what it means to be a
family. When people bring up the adoption thing it might help to discuss
what families do for each other. How families are much more important than
just hsaring hair and eye color. As for the teen age nephew he needs to
understand that respect for others is important whether they share genetics
or not. How would he have felt if his parents hadn't been able to care for
him for some reason? Who would  have been responsible for raising him?  As
for Sevanna tell her simple facts about why her parents were unable to keep
her. Were they sad that they couldn't give her a home. Why did they pick you
to raise her. I've known 3 people who were troubled with the question of why
did their parents not want them. It's important for adopted kids to know
that sometimes the parents don't always have a choice to keep their kids.   
I would share the story of the firstg time you held her. It's a really
special image that she can connect with even at 3 years old.


OK so that is the positive stuff I can think of. My own experience with
being adopted by my father is negative.
In my own family my mom was not biologically related to her father but she
was never told. Then she became pregnant with me.
MY biological father bolted as soon as my mom mentioned she was pregnant. My
Mom always called him my "biological father".  She told me a few simple
stories about him. My mother made it clear that meeting my biological father
would never be an option.  I found it funny that I looked so much like my
dad (adopted father) that I had to argue with my boyfriend to convince him
that I wasn't related. For everyone else I was his daughter even though he
hated me on a level that I never understood until I was an adult. I still
respect my Dad for providing for me even though he never thought of me as
his child. He struggled with my doctor bills.  He struggled with his own
sexual atractions which were inappropriate for a father to have. When I went
blind he imagined that he would be stuck with me living at home for the rest
of my life. Despite all those burdens real and imagined he provided for our
family.

The most important thing is to stick to simple fact. The more truth you can
provide the less confusion there will be. It's well known in the psychology
world that skeletons in the closet tend get passed down to children even if
they are never talked about. Kids pick up on emotional vibes surrounding
the skeletons and all too often tend to repeat what their parents did
without even knowing that their parents walked the same path a generation
before. 


Congratulations on adopting! 
Eileen
-----Original Message-----
From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of Tammy
Sent: Wednesday, February 22, 2012 4:46 PM
To: NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List
Subject: Re: [blparent] Talking about adoption?

Hi,

I disagree with one thing said here.  I would talk to the nephew in question
but I wouldn't come down on him very hard at all.  you don't know whether he
meant it to be mean or not, but I would give him the benefit of the doubt
and maybe I might ask him how he meant to come across.  Otherwise he might
get angry or defensive and you won't get anything out of him at all.  I
would tell savannah that she was adopted and what it means, but then leave
it at that.  She'll come to you with questions if she has them, and there
probably won't be many at first, but there will be lots later.  Don't make a
big deal out of it, but don't shush people if they want to talk about it
with you either.  If you do Savannah might think it's a bad thing to talk
about and not want to talk about it with you.  I would just tell her that
she's adopted but that makes her special because you picked her out of all
the children you could have picked.  I know it sounds a bit like picking
apples off a tree, but to a 3 year old, like I was when it was explained to
me, it was very cool, and I felt very special.

hth

Tammy