[blparent] Nikki's situation

[jan wright]

Hi All,

Nikki,
I think that a counselor is a good idea, after all, there are many
stressful situations in play.
If you do move, note that it will be an adjustment for all and that
will mean more stress -- at least for the present.
I am not saying  that you shouldn't move, I am just saying that moving
will bring with it other stressers and issues that you will have to
deal with -- and your child will have to deal with.
If he is already misbehaving in class, it might get worse before it gets better.
But, use your good judgement, also. If the counselor says things that
you just don't agree with, get a second and third opinion. Clearly
defined goals are good because I have seen people go through
counseloring and either make it a continuous lifelong journey or exit
no better than when they started.
The "smart goals" (although used for school) is a good guideline to follow.

Taking privileges is  sometimes a very good strategy for punishment.
If you are taking soccer because you feel like he has too many
activities and he should focus on school first, I can understand this.
But, if you take soccer away and his behavior improves, you have no
way of getting him back into soccer.
Actually, maybe a playdate is exactly what your son needs: more
practice at interaction and listening to directions from others. An
encouraging school mate can help him make good decisions at school.
does he have any friends at school? Why not use peer pressure in a
good way?
If he is in soccer now, how does he listen to the coach???  If he
listens well, then I wouldn't take soccer away, I would build on it.
You can use that as a possitive and a strength. You can start to talk
about "when he behaves well,"

I don't think that Tammy was trying to be uncaring, I think that she meant:
Don't keep the playdate just because you might be embarrassed about
what the other parent will say or think. sometimes we have to
discipline our children, no matter if others agree or not. sometimes
my punishments got a "thumbs up" from parenting peers and even family
and sometimes, they did not. but, if you think that taking the
playdate away is the right decision, don't waffle on it just because
the parent of the other child might have a negative reaction or do
things differently or because you are embarrassed {All of our children
have bad behavior issues at one time or another}.
And, (when the child is older) you might have to take away a
basketball practice or slumber party which will effect lots of
children... but it is not the punishment per sey that has to be the
negative effect, it is the behavior in the first place.
for example, if I can't trust my teenage child to make good decisions
when she is out, I might restrict her from a certain activity. this
restriction most certainly will effect the other children and instead
of blaming the parent, maybe they can blame the teenager for messing
things up. But, it works better when the teenager had a reasonable
expectation that said punishment might occur if she behaved badly.
some of this comes down to consistency, also. children need to know
(or be sure of ) what "might" happen if I do "such and such" before.
this way, they can start to understand consequences. So, if Nikki
tells her son upfront, "if you have three bad reports in a week, you
won't get to do anything on the weekend," she will have to continue to
reinforce this, no matter what. And, her son will soon learn that
these sets of behaviors will lead to said situation. But, it is good
for him to know ahead of time so you can talk about cause and effect
and consequences and choices. And, sometimes our behaviors "do" effect
other people.
And, her son can feel responsible for his own predicament.
It might be difficult, at this time, for you, Nikki, to be consistent
in your positive and negative discipline -- just because of stressful
situations and living with your father. So, first I would recommend
(just as a parent who has had difficult -- high needs -- desiring much
structure -- children) to decide on  your discipline. Decide what
positive and negative actions you will do in response to his good and
bad behavior. Don't make it all about his bad behavior, either. Then,
stick to it enough so that when you say: "if you don't listen in
school, what willl happen at home?" And, he can tell you the rules.
that is also important.
then, you can start applying them and seeing which ones work and which
ones need tweeking.

HTH.
Jan