[blparent] The maid wants to go on strike!

[Jo Elizabeth Pinto]

Hi, Bernadetta.  I appreciate your point of view.  There are definitely 
boundaries for me as the stepmother, and I try not to cross them without a 
lot of forethought.  Actually, my stepson just told me the other day he was 
uncomfortable calling me his stepmother, and I said he could refer to me in 
conversation any way he felt comfortable with, and call me by my first name. 
That's interesting because Sarah hears him and then sometimes calls me by my 
first name herself.  Also, my mom used food, or the lack of it, as a 
punishment in my own childhood to the point that I often went to bed hungry, 
so I try to avoid anything like that in my parenting style.  Still, the idea 
of natural consequences is a good one.  I'll just have to think of a less 
harsh natural consequence, I guess.

Jo Elizabeth

"A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a 
song."  Maya Angelou

--------------------------------------------------
From: "Bernadetta Pracon" <bernadetta_pracon at samobile.net>
Sent: Wednesday, June 06, 2012 1:14 PM
To: <blparent at nfbnet.org>
Subject: Re: [blparent] The maid wants to go on strike!

> Hi everyone,
> Ok, maybe it's not necessarily my place to comment on this thread because 
> I only have a baby, therefore not as much experience with parenting as 
> most of you, and I do not have any stepchildren. However, I've been 
> following this thread because I found the predicament interesting.
> I definitely feel for you Jo; You have a way of life, an order of things, 
> and it's unfortunate that a son you hadn't raised yourself has trouble 
> following your rules. From your posts on this listserve, it seems that 
> you're a great parent and that Sarah will grow up to be a calm, 
> responsible, kind person.
> Here's my two cents on the issue: I think that what Rebecca suggested is 
> well-intended, but probably a bit too harsh. I understand that a teenager 
> needs to learn how to be an adult, must take responsibility, etc. But 
> perhaps punishing with food, or lack there of rather, is not the way to 
> go. It's not horrible perSey, but all the same, you don't want to make him 
> feel like he's unwelcome at your home, especially since he is your 
> husbands son and your daughter's big brother. Perhaps the "no meal" 
> punishment would be acceptable if the child was only yours to raise, 
> meaning that he had no outside parental influence besides yourself and 
> your husband, but let's face it--The boy has what he probably refers to as 
> his real mom, and that person isn't you. Maybe I'm not wording this 
> properly, but my point is that whether we like to realize it or not, there 
> are always some unspoken rules about the boundaries of a stepparent versus 
> a natural parent, if not in the minds of the adults, than in that of the 
> children's at least. Perhaps there are situations where a stepparent is 
> more influencial, more involved than the real parents, and it's always 
> good to teach a young person valuable life lessons. But my reasoning is, 
> if you go behind your husband's back and refuse to serve his son a meal 
> because he ignored you, no matter how calmly it's done, I can't really see 
> a good outcome. He'll tell his mother that Jo doesn't feed him when he's 
> there, the mom will no doubt have a word with dad about it, who will in 
> turn be a bit miffed at Jo for her eforts, even though they were well 
> intended. Step children are a tricky situation sometimes. I know because I 
> was  raised by a single mom who dated and was engaged once, then married. 
> My stepfather was a great guy in theory, but he was also the man who 
> contributed to some changes during my childhood that I didnt' necessarily 
> welcome back then. In retrospect, he did a wonderful job in trying to be a 
> parent, but there were times when he tried to enforce rules that my mom 
> didn't necessarily agree with, and I resented him for that because I felt 
> he wasn't my real parent, and if my mom said that something was ok then it 
> should have been ok. That way of thinking is obviously not very fair to 
> the stepparent, I realize that now; I'm just trying to bring forth the 
> mind set of a child in that situation.
> My point in this long-winded ramble is that perhaps there are more 
> proactive ways to teach this boy his responsibilities than to deprive him 
> of a meal or something to that effect. I don't think it would benefit 
> anyone if Jo was to be seen as the evil stepmom, something she certainly 
> isn't. Try to resolve this issue in such a way that would avoid conflict 
> between yourself, your husband, and his son's mother. You say, jo, that 
> the kid is a good boy for the most part; Maybe resorting to such 
> consequences might not be necessary.
>
> Just my two cents, for what it's worth.
>
> Bernadetta.
>
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