[blparent] The maid wants to go on strike!

[Erin Rumer]

I agree entirely with Bernadetta's post.  You have to have order in the home
but the last thing you need is to become the evil step mother while the
biological parents aren't reinforcing the rules along with you.  To go more
into depth with what I mentioned in my first post, something you might
consider trying is to sit down with your step-son and talk to him about what
he feels would be reasonable and fair to do around the home to help-out the
family and what punishments he also feels would fit the crime so to speak.
You'll have to go back and forth in conversation to agree on things but this
might help him feel a sense of control in the situation and treated like an
adult in a lot of ways which I believe he'll really respect you for.  Speak
to him from your heart and explain why you'd like to see certain things done
and how much it means to you when he does help out.  This young lad is
hurting inside as are all children of broken homes so just try to keep
loving him with all your might while keeping communication lines open and
enforcing rules.  If the you know what hits the fan, simply stop, sit down
and continue having dialog with the boy to let him know how his actions are
effecting the balance of the home.  When he does good make an extra point to
praise him with hugs and positive words and an occasional material treat but
try to avoid rewarding him mostly with material treats because that just
keeps him focusing on himself and what he wants thus negatively effecting
his motives for doing the right thing in the first place. I hope this helps.

Erin

-----Original Message-----
From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of Bernadetta Pracon
Sent: Wednesday, June 06, 2012 12:14 PM
To: blparent at nfbnet.org
Subject: Re: [blparent] The maid wants to go on strike!

Hi everyone,
Ok, maybe it's not necessarily my place to comment on this thread because I
only have a baby, therefore not as much experience with parenting as most of
you, and I do not have any stepchildren. However, I've been following this
thread because I found the predicament interesting.
I definitely feel for you Jo; You have a way of life, an order of things,
and it's unfortunate that a son you hadn't raised yourself has trouble
following your rules. From your posts on this listserve, it seems that
you're a great parent and that Sarah will grow up to be a calm, responsible,
kind person.
Here's my two cents on the issue: I think that what Rebecca suggested is
well-intended, but probably a bit too harsh. I understand that a teenager
needs to learn how to be an adult, must take responsibility, etc. But
perhaps punishing with food, or lack there of rather, is not the way to go.
It's not horrible perSey, but all the same, you don't want to make him feel
like he's unwelcome at your home, especially since he is your husbands son
and your daughter's big brother. Perhaps the "no meal" punishment would be
acceptable if the child was only yours to raise, meaning that he had no
outside parental influence besides yourself and your husband, but let's face
it--The boy has what he probably refers to as his real mom, and that person
isn't you. Maybe I'm not wording this properly, but my point is that whether
we like to realize it or not, there are always some unspoken rules about the
boundaries of a stepparent versus a natural parent, if not in the minds of
the adults, than in that of the children's at least. Perhaps there are
situations where a stepparent is more influencial, more involved than the
real parents, and it's always good to teach a young person valuable life
lessons. But my reasoning is, if you go behind your husband's back and
refuse to serve his son a meal because he ignored you, no matter how calmly
it's done, I can't really see a good outcome. 
He'll tell his mother that Jo doesn't feed him when he's there, the mom will
no doubt have a word with dad about it, who will in turn be a bit miffed at
Jo for her eforts, even though they were well intended. Step children are a
tricky situation sometimes. I know because I was  raised by a single mom who
dated and was engaged once, then married. My stepfather was a great guy in
theory, but he was also the man who contributed to some changes during my
childhood that I didnt' 
necessarily welcome back then. In retrospect, he did a wonderful job in
trying to be a parent, but there were times when he tried to enforce rules
that my mom didn't necessarily agree with, and I resented him for that
because I felt he wasn't my real parent, and if my mom said that something
was ok then it should have been ok. That way of thinking is obviously not
very fair to the stepparent, I realize that now; I'm just trying to bring
forth the mind set of a child in that situation.
My point in this long-winded ramble is that perhaps there are more proactive
ways to teach this boy his responsibilities than to deprive him of a meal or
something to that effect. I don't think it would benefit anyone if Jo was to
be seen as the evil stepmom, something she certainly isn't. Try to resolve
this issue in such a way that would avoid conflict between yourself, your
husband, and his son's mother. 
You say, jo, that the kid is a good boy for the most part; Maybe resorting
to such consequences might not be necessary.

Just my two cents, for what it's worth.

Bernadetta.

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