[blparent] The maid wants to go on strike!

Wed Jun 6 21:20:20 UTC 2012

I did try that with the skateboard, and I also have it set up for us to go 
to the zoo on Friday.  And probably an amusement park later in the summer. 
I do want to have fun and positive memories, and not just be the evil 
stepmother who nags about stuff all the time, but there's a fine line I'm 
struggling with between keeping harmony in the home by being the involuntary 
maid and housekeeper, which makes me angry and resentful, and trying to get 
both my stepson and his dad to see that helping out a bit would be better 
for us all.

Jo Elizabeth

"A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a 
song."  Maya Angelou

--------------------------------------------------
From: "Erin Rumer" <erinrumer at gmail.com>
Sent: Wednesday, June 06, 2012 3:08 PM
To: "'Blind Parents Mailing List'" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
Subject: Re: [blparent] The maid wants to go on strike!

> I agree entirely with Bernadetta's post.  You have to have order in the 
> home
> but the last thing you need is to become the evil step mother while the
> biological parents aren't reinforcing the rules along with you.  To go 
> more
> into depth with what I mentioned in my first post, something you might
> consider trying is to sit down with your step-son and talk to him about 
> what
> he feels would be reasonable and fair to do around the home to help-out 
> the
> family and what punishments he also feels would fit the crime so to speak.
> You'll have to go back and forth in conversation to agree on things but 
> this
> might help him feel a sense of control in the situation and treated like 
> an
> adult in a lot of ways which I believe he'll really respect you for. 
> Speak
> to him from your heart and explain why you'd like to see certain things 
> done
> and how much it means to you when he does help out.  This young lad is
> hurting inside as are all children of broken homes so just try to keep
> loving him with all your might while keeping communication lines open and
> enforcing rules.  If the you know what hits the fan, simply stop, sit down
> and continue having dialog with the boy to let him know how his actions 
> are
> effecting the balance of the home.  When he does good make an extra point 
> to
> praise him with hugs and positive words and an occasional material treat 
> but
> try to avoid rewarding him mostly with material treats because that just
> keeps him focusing on himself and what he wants thus negatively effecting
> his motives for doing the right thing in the first place. I hope this 
> helps.
>
> Erin
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
> Behalf Of Bernadetta Pracon
> Sent: Wednesday, June 06, 2012 12:14 PM
> To: blparent at nfbnet.org
> Subject: Re: [blparent] The maid wants to go on strike!
>
> Hi everyone,
> Ok, maybe it's not necessarily my place to comment on this thread because 
> I
> only have a baby, therefore not as much experience with parenting as most 
> of
> you, and I do not have any stepchildren. However, I've been following this
> thread because I found the predicament interesting.
> I definitely feel for you Jo; You have a way of life, an order of things,
> and it's unfortunate that a son you hadn't raised yourself has trouble
> following your rules. From your posts on this listserve, it seems that
> you're a great parent and that Sarah will grow up to be a calm, 
> responsible,
> kind person.
> Here's my two cents on the issue: I think that what Rebecca suggested is
> well-intended, but probably a bit too harsh. I understand that a teenager
> needs to learn how to be an adult, must take responsibility, etc. But
> perhaps punishing with food, or lack there of rather, is not the way to 
> go.
> It's not horrible perSey, but all the same, you don't want to make him 
> feel
> like he's unwelcome at your home, especially since he is your husbands son
> and your daughter's big brother. Perhaps the "no meal" punishment would be
> acceptable if the child was only yours to raise, meaning that he had no
> outside parental influence besides yourself and your husband, but let's 
> face
> it--The boy has what he probably refers to as his real mom, and that 
> person
> isn't you. Maybe I'm not wording this properly, but my point is that 
> whether
> we like to realize it or not, there are always some unspoken rules about 
> the
> boundaries of a stepparent versus a natural parent, if not in the minds of
> the adults, than in that of the children's at least. Perhaps there are
> situations where a stepparent is more influencial, more involved than the
> real parents, and it's always good to teach a young person valuable life
> lessons. But my reasoning is, if you go behind your husband's back and
> refuse to serve his son a meal because he ignored you, no matter how 
> calmly
> it's done, I can't really see a good outcome.
> He'll tell his mother that Jo doesn't feed him when he's there, the mom 
> will
> no doubt have a word with dad about it, who will in turn be a bit miffed 
> at
> Jo for her eforts, even though they were well intended. Step children are 
> a
> tricky situation sometimes. I know because I was  raised by a single mom 
> who
> dated and was engaged once, then married. My stepfather was a great guy in
> theory, but he was also the man who contributed to some changes during my
> childhood that I didnt'
> necessarily welcome back then. In retrospect, he did a wonderful job in
> trying to be a parent, but there were times when he tried to enforce rules
> that my mom didn't necessarily agree with, and I resented him for that
> because I felt he wasn't my real parent, and if my mom said that something
> was ok then it should have been ok. That way of thinking is obviously not
> very fair to the stepparent, I realize that now; I'm just trying to bring
> forth the mind set of a child in that situation.
> My point in this long-winded ramble is that perhaps there are more 
> proactive
> ways to teach this boy his responsibilities than to deprive him of a meal 
> or
> something to that effect. I don't think it would benefit anyone if Jo was 
> to
> be seen as the evil stepmom, something she certainly isn't. Try to resolve
> this issue in such a way that would avoid conflict between yourself, your
> husband, and his son's mother.
> You say, jo, that the kid is a good boy for the most part; Maybe resorting
> to such consequences might not be necessary.
>
> Just my two cents, for what it's worth.
>
> Bernadetta.
>
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