[blparent] The maid wants to go on strike!

[Jennifer Jackson]

Burnadetta, I do not really have anything new to ad to your post. I 
Think you have a good point and appreciate your taking the time to
participate when you are not in this place in your life.


Jennifer

-----Original Message-----
From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of Bernadetta Pracon
Sent: Wednesday, June 06, 2012 2:14 PM
To: blparent at nfbnet.org
Subject: Re: [blparent] The maid wants to go on strike!

Hi everyone,
Ok, maybe it's not necessarily my place to comment on this thread 
because I only have a baby, therefore not as much experience with 
parenting as most of you, and I do not have any stepchildren. However, 
I've been following this thread because I found the predicament interesting.
I definitely feel for you Jo; You have a way of life, an order of 
things, and it's unfortunate that a son you hadn't raised yourself has 
trouble following your rules. From your posts on this listserve, it 
seems that you're a great parent and that Sarah will grow up to be a 
calm, responsible, kind person.
Here's my two cents on the issue: I think that what Rebecca suggested 
is well-intended, but probably a bit too harsh. I understand that a 
teenager needs to learn how to be an adult, must take responsibility, 
etc. But perhaps punishing with food, or lack there of rather, is not 
the way to go. It's not horrible perSey, but all the same, you don't 
want to make him feel like he's unwelcome at your home, especially 
since he is your husbands son and your daughter's big brother. Perhaps 
the "no meal" punishment would be acceptable if the child was only 
yours to raise, meaning that he had no outside parental influence 
besides yourself and your husband, but let's face it--The boy has what 
he probably refers to as his real mom, and that person isn't you. Maybe 
I'm not wording this properly, but my point is that whether we like to 
realize it or not, there are always some unspoken rules about the 
boundaries of a stepparent versus a natural parent, if not in the minds 
of the adults, than in that of the children's at least. Perhaps there 
are situations where a stepparent is more influencial, more involved 
than the real parents, and it's always good to teach a young person 
valuable life lessons. But my reasoning is, if you go behind your 
husband's back and refuse to serve his son a meal because he ignored 
you, no matter how calmly it's done, I can't really see a good outcome. 
He'll tell his mother that Jo doesn't feed him when he's there, the mom 
will no doubt have a word with dad about it, who will in turn be a bit 
miffed at Jo for her eforts, even though they were well intended. Step 
children are a tricky situation sometimes. I know because I was  raised 
by a single mom who dated and was engaged once, then married. My 
stepfather was a great guy in theory, but he was also the man who 
contributed to some changes during my childhood that I didnt' 
necessarily welcome back then. In retrospect, he did a wonderful job in 
trying to be a parent, but there were times when he tried to enforce 
rules that my mom didn't necessarily agree with, and I resented him for 
that because I felt he wasn't my real parent, and if my mom said that 
something was ok then it should have been ok. That way of thinking is 
obviously not very fair to the stepparent, I realize that now; I'm just 
trying to bring forth the mind set of a child in that situation.
My point in this long-winded ramble is that perhaps there are more 
proactive ways to teach this boy his responsibilities than to deprive 
him of a meal or something to that effect. I don't think it would 
benefit anyone if Jo was to be seen as the evil stepmom, something she 
certainly isn't. Try to resolve this issue in such a way that would 
avoid conflict between yourself, your husband, and his son's mother. 
You say, jo, that the kid is a good boy for the most part; Maybe 
resorting to such consequences might not be necessary.

Just my two cents, for what it's worth.

Bernadetta.

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