[blparent] When not to be a united front.

Wed Jun 27 03:02:14 UTC 2012

Jo Elizabeth,

I handle the kinds of things you mentioned pretty much the same way. As you
say, the language does usually disappear with little ones when they do not
get a reaction as you said. My older son is a little more complicated but I
think I am getting a handle on this one too. I have noticed that the
language comes out the most either when he is really angry and it is being
directed at his brothers, or when he is engaged in an argument with me that
is becoming very intense. I had inadverdently been rewarding this behavior
and have recognized the pattern the last time we fought so I am hoping that
I can use this to be more effective. When he looses his temper and is not
controlling himself I usually send him to his room for a while until he can
speak calmly about the issue. This works pretty well, except that if he
behaves badly as part of the whole thing I usually collect all the
electronics first. However, if he makes me so angry that I need the
separation too, then I will just send him up without thinking to grab the
electronics. So once engaged it was to his benefit, in the short term, to
push me hard enough to become to angry to remember the electronics. Patterns
are hard to break, but this one has not repeated like that since I figured
out the pattern.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences on this one.

Jennifer

-----Original Message-----
From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of Jo Elizabeth Pinto
Sent: Wednesday, June 27, 2012 11:07 PM
To: Blind Parents Mailing List
Subject: Re: [blparent] When not to be a united front.

Hi, Jennifer.  I get the "it's complicated" part of your relationship, and 
also the issue of not being a united front.  Case in point, my stepson is 
right now watching Family Guy, one of the crudest shows I've ever seen on 
television.  I wouldn't allow the show under my roof if I could help it, but

my stepson's dad, who also thinks the show is disgusting, says I should just

tune it out--which is his approach to parenting, in general, and the source 
of a lot of our conflicts.  It's my house, but it's dad's TV and Dad's son, 
when it comes right down to it.  The language is awful, and while I haven't 
heard my stepson saying the swearwords, he has repeated a number of terribly

racist comments from the show, thinking they're funny, without understanding

their meaning or the implications of rattling them off in the wrong place at

the wrong time.  I wish I knew what to do about it, but short of dumping hot

coffee into the back of the TV set, which has crossed my mind more than 
once, I'm at a loss.

If you have younger kids, you can tell them that Dad uses some grown-up 
words that they can't say.  A while back, Sarah repeated some things she 
heard her dad yell when he ran an electric drill through his finger.  I told

her she could say the words in her bedroom by herself, but nowhere else. 
She went off to her room a few times over the next couple of days and said 
the words, but that got old fast because she didn't get any attention, and 
the words disappeared, for the most part, from her vocabulary.

You might try responding the same way to your husband that you would to one 
of your sons if he uses bad language when he is addressing you.  Gerald and 
I got in an argument last week, the point of which is neither here nor 
there.  But he raised his voice to me, and I said I wouldn't continue the 
conversation if he was going to yell, and that we could talk when he was 
more calm and willing to respect me.  He started to say something else, and 
I repeated my original sentence.  It took three or four repetitions, but 
eventually he gave up and left the room, and we did take up where we had 
left off later, without the yelling.  I don't know your situation exactly, 
but hopefully some of these ideas might help.

Jo Elizabeth

"A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a 
song." Maya Angelou
-----Original Message----- 
From: Jennifer Jackson
Sent: Tuesday, June 26, 2012 9:20 AM
To: 'Blind Parents Mailing List'
Subject: Re: [blparent] When not to be a united front.

Peggy,

My marriage is a complicated question. My husbands response to my 13 y/o
using the f word when he is angry with me is to be angry with my son for
speaking to me like that, but seems to make no connection between his own
use of that kind of language to and around the kids. I have expressed to him
that this causes our children problems at school and socially, as well as
that it embarrasses me when he speaks that way in public. He tells me that I
am unreasonable and old fashioned amongst other similar responses. Yes, I
recognize this is serious evidence of other problems in our relationship. I
keep working at it because I have 3 children with varying special needs and
I would have even less control over what he exposes my children too if I cut
off communication. Sometimes it is better than others. It truly breaks my
heart that a man with so much potential to be a good father and husband will
not do what has to be done for his family. He is basically a good and loving
person to whom I think I could be happily enough married to if it were not
for trying to parent with him.

That is probably more than you really wanted to know, but somehow it's
complicated just did not seem to cover it. I appreciate you sharing Peggy,
because it helps to measure my own struggles against what is normal.

Ironically, I was really thinking more along the lines of more benign issues
like historical data and casual grammatical violations like ending a
sentence with the word at, or using the hideous ain't, when I wrote my first
post. :) Though even spell check agrees with me that ain't is not a word. :)

Jennifer
-----Original Message-----
From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of Peggy
Sent: Wednesday, June 27, 2012 7:25 PM
To: Blind Parents Mailing List
Subject: Re: [blparent] When not to be a united front.

Are you and their father together??  The reason I ask is because with my
middle son, his father and I are no longer together and to solve this
problem I just tell Dustin ... you may act like that or do this at your
dad's house, but here in this house it won't be tollerated.

If you occupy the same household, does talking to their dad help??  Getting
him to change his behavior for the kids' benefit would be ideal but if that
isn't going to happen I would just say, what daddy does isn't always the
right way to behave but this is what I expect from you ... However, expect
the same in return ... Mommy's behavior isn't always ... Yea, you get it.

-----Original Message----- 
From: Jennifer Jackson
Sent: Tuesday, June 26, 2012 8:02 AM
To: 'Blind Parents Mailing List'
Subject: [blparent] When not to be a united front.

Here is a little parenting conundrum. I struggle with this in my own
relationship with my kids and their father. I generally believe in
presenting a united front, but what about when your partner says something
that is just factually wrong or regular sets  bad example with his abuse of
the English language? How and when do you correct the facts? I have given up
on correcting the grammar violations he makes, but it is an ongoing issue
with my kids because they are perfectly willing to point out that their dad
does the same thing I just corrected one of them for. I am just wondering if
anyone else struggles with this kind of thing and what other people think
about it. I am not really asking for a solution as this is, of course, a
matter that is mixed up with the greater picture of any relationship.

Jennifer

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