[blparent] Arguing and Talking Back

[Melissa Ann Riccobono]

Jo Elizabeth,
Wow, can I ever relate to this one! It can be so difficult to react in a calm manner when our kids know how to push our buttons like no other people alive. At least my son does! 
Something thaat has helped me stay calm is to remove myself from the argument, or to remove my child from the argument--whatever is easiest in a given situation. So I might say, "I really don't like the way you are talking to me right now. I need you to play for a few minutes by yourself so we can both calm down a little, and then we can talk about this again." Or, I might make my son sit in time out, (on a chair in the dining room) if he has been really sassy and/or disrespectful. I like the idea of having her practice other ways to say things to you, as she might not know how to say things differently, or just gets upset so quickly that she doesn't stop to think of how she is talking to you. I also have told my son to take a couple of deep breaths to help him calm down when I notice he is getting upset and starting to argue and/or whine at me. I might also try to help him understand that we are just talking about something--we are not making any quick decisions. I try to point out that the calmer he stays, the more likely I will be to really take what he says into account, where as if he whines and get upset, I don't give in because that is not the way he gets the things he wants. Sometimes I will ignore Austin if he says something to me in a disrespectful way. He does not like this, and then I explain that we can't talk about whatever it is until he says it in a different way.
All of these strategies certainly do not work all of the time, and I can certainly relate to being tired and a partner who works long hours--my husband actually travels a fair amount for his job, so I've been the main care giver for our kids by myself for week long periods sometimes. I'm really glad you have people who can give you a break. Sometimes a couple of hours makes a world of difference and helps everyone involved.
Hang in there, and I'm sure this stage will pass, and you will find ways to help Sarah learn how to communicate with you and others without arguing and back talking.
Melissa
P.S. Something else I just thought of. I try as much as I can to make sure Austin feels heard, and that I explain, as much as I can, why I make the decisions I do. Though I must admit I've said "because I said so!" more than once. Smile. Something I have tried is "OK, if you talk nicely to me, I will listen to what you have to say until you are done. Then it will be my turn to talk and you need to listen to me." This does not always work, but it might be something else to try. Austin gets very angry when he feels he is being interupted and not heard--and I can't blame him. I try to use this to my advantage by pointing out to him when he is interrupting and not listening to me. Again, this is just one more way to try to help him understand how communication is truly a two way street, and how the way he speaks definitely effects how others react to him.	
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