[blparent] Tips on Integrating Different Parenting Styles

[Jennifer Jackson]

Joe Elizabeth,

I wish I had an answer for you. I struggle with the same one myself. As I am
sure you can imagine considering your experience with your step son, the
demanding and screaming thing fails pretty miserably with my two ADHD boys.
It often triggers them becoming hyper focused on whatever the unwanted
behavior is and it escalates into a horrible ordeal. Now I regularly have to
deal with teaching my boys, especially the 13 y/o, that he can not yell like
that. It is especially hard when he yells back at his father or starts
yelling at me.

My oldest does back off when I tell him he can not speak to me like that, or
I sometimes say something like "We can talk about this when your voice is as
calm as mine." The second one sometimes has to be more of a go to your room
until then kind of command as it is hard for me to stay calm and not yell
back when he is acting like this.

As I said, I have no real answer. I do not think it is good for any of our
relationships that I am the peace keeper all the time. Often this puts me in
the position of "rescuing" the kids from their father, or, with my oldest,
they are both mad at me.


Jennifer
-----Original Message-----
From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of Jo Elizabeth Pinto
Sent: Sunday, May 06, 2012 1:07 AM
To: NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List
Subject: [blparent] Tips on Integrating Different Parenting Styles

Hi.  I feel the need to preface my question with the disclaimer that Sarah's
daddy is a good father.  He isn't abusive or mean, and Sarah has a good
relationship with him.  I also know that all of you here aren't supposed to
figure out my relationship for me.  I'm just in a bit of a quandary.

The thing is, Gerald and I tend to have very different parenting styles.
I'm much more willing to talk things out with my four-year-old, answer her
questions, and do things like sing songs or play silly games to get her to
eat the dinner she doesn't want to touch or whisk her out of the bathtub
when bath time is over.  Gerald says I'm a pushover, and I may be once in a
while, but I pick my battles and stick to them, without sweating the little
skirmishes.  He's way more likely to raise his voice than I am, and he goes
straight to, "I said do it, now do it."  I know there has to be some of that
reaction, and I've gotten that way myself sometimes, but I don't think it's
the tool of first resort.  Like tonight we were eating fish sticks and
French fries--I know, the dinner of champions--and she was dawdling and not
wanting to eat.  So I started playing a silly game with her, singing about
how she had stinky feet because she was bound for the tub when she got done,
and getting her to eat the fish in between the singing.  Gerald, however,
went straight to, "Pick up that fish and put it in your mouth, right now."
He raised his voice, and both kids, Sarah and my stepson, sort of tensed up
like, oh no, when is he going to yell.  I grew up with parents that yelled
too much.  It's no fun.  I think it scares kids, and that a softer touch
usually gets better results.

So my question is, any tips on getting Daddy to ease up a little?  Or should
I accept it as it is with him?

Jo Elizabeth

"How far you go in life depends on you being tender with the young,
compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of
the weak and the strong.  Because someday in life you will have been all of
these."--George Washington Carver, 1864-1943, American scientist
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