[blparent] Tips on Integrating Different Parenting Styles

[Bridgit Pollpeter]

Jo Elizabeth,

I say try your best to get your husband to understand  things from a
four-year-old point of view. Yelling is considered a positive
punishment, but don't be fooled by the word positive. A positive
punishment is when results are achieved through negative-type behavior
such as yelling. Sara may eat her dinner when yelled at, but a
conditioning can take place where she now associates  a negative view
towards dinner, or whatever the situation is.

Positive and negative reinforcers have been shown to get the best
results especially for children. Reinforcers are when a behavior is
influenced by being rewarded by either giving a child something they
enjoy or taking away something they like. For example, a positive
reinforcer would be like giving a child something like praise, or for a
tangible substitute, candy, to achieve desired behavior. Negative
reinforcers would be like taking away a favorite toy or TV program in
order to encourage desired behavior.

This may all sound like psycho babble, and of course when theory is put
into practice, things don't always work they way they should, but many
studies show the benefits to using reinforcers for children as opposed
to those positive punishments that often lead to a conditioning of a
negative stimuli, or association, for children.

Of course something like candy can't be used for all positive
reinforcers, and at times, behavior like yelling can be appropriate such
as if a young child runs out into a parking lot or other dangerous
situations. But to expect a young child to understand the reasoning as
to why they get yelled at for things like not eating dinner can just
create negative connections in the mind of children.

And, we tell children to not yell and be "mean," so why is it okay for
adults to act this way? A good question when you think about it, grin.

Sincerely,
Bridgit Kuenning-Pollpeter
Read my blog at:
http://blogs.livewellnebraska.com/author/bpollpeter/
 
"History is not what happened; history is what was written down."
The Expected One- Kathleen McGowan

Message: 14
Date: Sun, 6 May 2012 00:06:51 -0600
From: "Jo Elizabeth Pinto" <jopinto at msn.com>
To: "NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
Subject: [blparent] Tips on Integrating Different Parenting Styles
Message-ID: <SNT116-DS27905F06C343FFEFEDF44AC120 at phx.gbl>
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Hi.  I feel the need to preface my question with the disclaimer that
Sarah's daddy is a good father.  He isn't abusive or mean, and Sarah has
a good relationship with him.  I also know that all of you here aren't
supposed to figure out my relationship for me.  I'm just in a bit of a
quandary.

The thing is, Gerald and I tend to have very different parenting styles.
I'm much more willing to talk things out with my four-year-old, answer
her questions, and do things like sing songs or play silly games to get
her to eat the dinner she doesn't want to touch or whisk her out of the
bathtub when bath time is over.  Gerald says I'm a pushover, and I may
be once in a while, but I pick my battles and stick to them, without
sweating the little skirmishes.  He's way more likely to raise his voice
than I am, and he goes straight to, "I said do it, now do it."  I know
there has to be some of that reaction, and I've gotten that way myself
sometimes, but I don't think it's the tool of first resort.  Like
tonight we were eating fish sticks and French fries--I know, the dinner
of champions--and she was dawdling and not wanting to eat.  So I started
playing a silly game with her, singing about how she had stinky feet
because she was bound for the tub when she got done, and getting her to
eat the fish in between the singing.  Gerald, however, went straight to,
"Pick up that fish and put it in your mouth, right now."  He raised his
voice, and both kids, Sarah and my stepson, sort of tensed up like, oh
no, when is he going to yell.  I grew up with parents that yelled too
much.  It's no fun.  I think it scares kids, and that a softer touch
usually gets better results.

So my question is, any tips on getting Daddy to ease up a little?  Or
should I accept it as it is with him?

Jo Elizabeth