[blparent] blind parent's rights for custody of blind child

Tue Oct 23 00:48:33 UTC 2012

This is a very good point. When we're living with our child's other parent, 
we naturally develop routines based on a variety of factors, such as what 
we're naturally good at, what we enjoy doing, etc. There were many little 
things my daughter's dad used to help me with, not because I was incapable 
of doing them, but because they might have been faster or easier for him to 
do. E.g., quickly checking to make sure her clothing matched, telling me if 
I had a bottle of Tylonol or Advil, etc.

Because my daughter is very young (she was 3 when we separated), there were 
a variety of things I needed to consider when setting up my own household. I 
went into our separation with a full understanding that my blindness could 
and might be used against me.

For instance:
Making sure her medications were labeled with name of drug, appropriate 
dose, and date of expiration.

Making sure my house was very child-proof. Obviously safety has always been 
a priority for me, but once I was on my own with her, I was paranoid about 
it. If something had happened to her while she was with me, it would have 
been automatically assumed that it happened because I couldn't see. Some of 
the things I did were:
Install an alarm system (if she opened the doors they would chime),
Put a babygate in my kitchen doorway, so if I had to take my guide dog out, 
she could not go into the kitchen and mess with anything hot or sharp while 
I was outside.
Put all chemicals up very high so they were not accessible to her.

I had taken a child first aid and CPR class, so that was something I could 
use in my favor.

I have no yard, so I had to develop safe procedures for her to play outside. 
I have a garage and no car, so have set that up as a type of play area for 
her. However, I absolutely never allow her outside by herself.

I had to take into account how I was going to deal with the stupid little 
day to day stuff, like making sure her clothes match.

I had to find ways to get her out and about to do the sorts of things we 
used to do with her dad as a family. E.g., going to the zoo or the 
waterpark, going to play at the park, etc. I live a bit more sub-urban, so 
some of these things require sighted help. Also, because she's younger, she 
requires more visual supervision at somewhere like a water park than she 
will when she's older and better able to understand my blindness and how it 
relates to her safety.

I don't bring these things up to overwhelm you, but it is important for you 
to think about things from the point of view of someone who wants to 
establish that you are incapable. I was very careful from the start. I began 
taking daily notes from the moment we separated (when he saw her, what 
issues arose, etc.). I made sure I took her to the doctor when she was sick, 
so the pediatrician could see me taking an active role in her care. When she 
had to use a nebulizer last winter, I was the one who administered all of 
her treatments. When we separated, I was the one who had her with me the 
vast majority of the time at night. I did everything I could to establish a 
record that would show I am perfectly capable of caring for her in my own 
home without sighted assistance.

Dena

-----Original Message----- 
From: Jo Elizabeth Pinto
Sent: Monday, October 22, 2012 11:51 AM
To: Blind Parents Mailing List
Subject: Re: [blparent] blind parent's rights for custody of blind child

I would also say, be honest with yourself.  Are there things you need to
learn how to do so you can take care of your son?  Are there things your
husband has been doing up till now that you could learn?  I'm saying this
because it's easy to fall back on the truth that a blind parent is just as
capable as a sighted parent without asking the hard questions about your
individual situation.  Everyone has different sets of skills, different
things they're good at and things they need to work on.  If you don't get
realistic with yourself in figuring out what your weaknesses might be, you
can bet your ex will be getting realistic about those weaknesses when he
makes his case against you.  Please know I'm not saying you aren't capable,
or that it's right for someone to use blindness against his ex wife in
fighting for custody, but, especially if he wants to be vindictive, he can
say "she doesn't do x, y, or z" when he talks to the judge.  For example, I
typically cook the meals in my household, while my boyfriend usually does
the laundry.  If we were ever fighting for custody, and he told the judge I
never did laundry, I would need to counter with the fact that I can mark the
machine in braille, label the colors of clothes, etc.

Jo Elizabeth

Truth is tough. It will not break, like a bubble, at a touch; nay, you may
kick it about all day like a football, and it will be round and full at
evening.--Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.
-----Original Message----- 
From: Pickrell, Rebecca M (TASC)
Sent: Monday, October 22, 2012 8:49 AM
To: 'Blind Parents Mailing List'
Subject: Re: [blparent] blind parent's rights for custody of blind child

If your lawyer isn't helping you, you need another lawyer. He/she should be
looking out for you. It almost sounds likee he/she is using "I am not a
disability rights lawyer" as an excuse.

This is like any other service, if you aren't getting your needs met, find
one who will.

A mediator probably isn't a good idea as by deffinition, you aand your ex
have to get along to make th eprocess work. It doesn't sound like that's
happening here.
Deffinately don't allow him to kick you out of the home or keep you away
from your son.
You two seem to have a very rigid division of labor. I wonder why he always
does wakeups and bed-time and you always help with homework? Your ex doesn't
need to know Braille to do homework duty.
My daughter is sighted. I have no clue what printed letters look like. I can
most deffinately help with homework. I can instill that school matters.  I
can help with spelling.  I can show her tools so she can figure out the
answers she needs.  I've shown her letters on the computer when she can't
remember what a w looks like.
I do wonder why you two have such a lock on the tasks you assist your son
with. If you can resolve that both of you are capable parents this will be
easier for everybody. You don't have to like each other to do this.
Realize that you are as much an equal as your ex is. He's not the decider
for anything.

-----Original Message-----
From: blparent [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Jasmine
Sent: Saturday, October 20, 2012 4:16 PM
To: Blind Parents Mailing List
Subject: Re: [blparent] blind parent's rights for custody of blind child

Hi Jeri,
Yes, my son Kristopyher is totally blind also. Yeah, my ex husband and
his parent's are trying to fight for custody of him and trying to take
my home away and leave me without a place to live. He's using the fact
that he does things for my son against me making it look like I can't do
those same things for him.
Virginia
On 10/20/2012 12:23 PM, Jeri Milton wrote:
>       Hi Virginia. Wow, that's ridiculous. This is coming from a man that
> you shared your life with? So, he knows you are totally capable, he's just
> trying to use your blindness against you. Is your son totally blind? You 
> are
> the one who would be the best teacher for him. At least that's my opinion
> anyway. I do wish you luck and I think you've come to a great place for
> advice. People on this list probably can give you some great resources. 
> I'll
> be thinking of you.
>
> Jeri
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: blparent [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Jasmine
> Sent: Saturday, October 20, 2012 1:23 AM
> To: Blind Parents Mailing List
> Subject: Re: [blparent] blind parent's rights for custody of blind child
>
> Hi Jeri,
> Yes, they are trying to use my blindness as if it would be a bad thing for
> me to have my son. His father put in his response that he only wants me to
> have him in the afternoons after school because I'm the one that helps him
> with his homework since I know Braille.
> He is stating that he wants him at night because he gets him ready for
> school and ready for bed.
> He doesn't believe that Ican do it by myself, but i'm capable of doing all
> that.
> He wants primary custody of him.
> Virginia
> On 10/19/2012 9:12 PM, Jeri Milton wrote:
>> Hi Virginia. I'm sorry to hear that this is happening to you. Are they
>> trying to use your blindness as if it would be a bad thing for you to
>> have your son? I'm no expert that's for sure, but I would think they
>> don't have a leg to stand on if that's what they're trying for. I have
>> my 8 year old niece and my brother temporarily living with me. When my
>> brother was fighting for custedy of her, her mother, who I had known
>> for years and years tried to use my blindness as a tool against my
>> brother. She wrote a letter to the courts stating that her daughter
>> would be living with her Aunt who had a serious disability and
>> therefore she was afraid for her safety. I was completely dumb founded
>> and rather P.O.d! Then, I had to laugh because the courts didn't even
>> bat an eye at her statements of concern. People amaze me sometimes.
>> Sometimes they'll stop at nothing. I knew this woman for at least
>> twenty years and even considered her a friend during my brothers time 
>> with
> her. I even watched her other kids! Jeesh! Good luck to you.
>> Jeri
>>
>> Jeri
>>
>> -----Original Message-----
>> From: blparent [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of
>> Jasmine
>> Sent: Friday, October 19, 2012 10:20 AM
>> To: blparent at nfbnet.org
>> Subject: [blparent] blind parent's rights for custody of blind child
>>
>> Hi Everyone,
>> My name is Virginia and I'm a blind mother in California of a 13 year
>> old boy who is also blind and learning disabled. I'm currently going
>> through a divorce, and my ex husband and his parent's are trying to
>> fight for primary custody of my son. Are there any laws or rights that
>> I can show them for disabled parent's? Is there anyone who can help me
>> fight for my rights? I've heard that the Nfb fights for custody cases
>> like this, so I was wondering if anyone in the Nfb can help me out? I
>> already have a lawyer to represent me, but she doesn't specialize in
> disability rights for blind parents rights.
>> Thanks!
>> Virginia
>>
>>
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