[blparent] Whose rules should take precedence?

Mon Sep 3 05:49:31 UTC 2012

Hi Gabe:

I have to say that growing up, my father always made comments about how I 
should not have children because I'm blind and why should I have a child? 
Bla Bla Bla.  I rarely speak to my family, my mom maybe, but not my dad.  I 
resent him for everything he had put me through.  You can only hear negative 
remarks for so long before you get tired of it.  I tried to stay in contact 
and tried to play nice with my father, and where did it leave me?  I now 
have to take depression medication probably for the rest of my life because 
of all of the BS that I was put through.  Yes, I think that for the most 
part, you should try to stay in contact with your family, but at the same 
time, your emotional health and spiritual health is more important.  If my 
father can't keep his criticism in check, then I stay away.  I don't care if 
its a friend OR family member, when they cross the line to the point that 
they are blatently disrespecting you, its time to separate.  You can still 
love them, but you don't have to put up with them.

Thanks.
----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Gabe Vega" <theblindtech at gmail.com>
To: "Blind Parents Mailing List" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Monday, September 03, 2012 12:40 AM
Subject: Re: [blparent] Whose rules should take precedence?

> then its simple. if some one mistreats you and you can't stand up for 
> yourself. stay away from them. simple. boom, it will never happen again. 
> but I know, I can just hear it, but oh, thats grandma, bla bla bla bla. 
> but if grandma can't respect you, let you parent your own child, then 
> guess what? grandma stays away. till she can respect mommy for mommy and 
> daddy for daddy. simple. but will any of you all do it. no, because you 
> just won't.
>
> On Sep 2, 2012, at 9:34 PM, Bernadetta Pracon 
> <bernadetta_pracon at samobile.net> wrote:
>
>> Hi guys,
>> Actually, this is very much blindness related. Perhaps not every blind 
>> parent faces this sort of thing, but I have found this going on in my own 
>> family. It's been on my mind more and more lately--In my case, it's my 
>> mother who's trying to take over with my six-month-old son.
>> Like most new parents, I let my mom help me with Gabriel from time to 
>> time--What new mommy doesn't do that if her mom lives near by. Grandma 
>> absolutely adores her new grandson and she is helpful when I'm in a 
>> crunch with work... But she's way too pushy, and she tries to take charge 
>> of my son, especially when we're out together or at a family function.
>> Yesterday, my younger cousin had a birthday party, which was a family 
>> function. We were all their--My mom, my son, my son's dad and I. When it 
>> came time to feed Gabriel, I got up to mix his rice cereal (he's eating 
>> solids on a regular basis now). When I reached for his little bowl, 
>> without warning, my mom reached over from behind me and snatched the bowl 
>> and cereal box from my hands and proceeded to mix the food for him. I was 
>> irritated, obviously so I protested and asked her why she did that. She 
>> said, "Because you don't give him enough food. Plus you're not going to 
>> feed him because he's in his nice party clothes and you're going to get 
>> him dirty. And I don't want people staring at you while you're feeding 
>> him because they've never seen a blind person feed a baby.".
>> Now, just to get something streight, my mom's idea of enough food is a 
>> bowl and a half of rice cereal. For a six month old... right.   Well. 
>> Imagine how furious I got at that. But I didnt' want to cause a huge 
>> scene right there, so I told her a few choice words, and then took her 
>> aside later and let her have it.
>> I told her that he's my kid and I make the rules, and that she should 
>> never forget her place as the grandmother, instead of the mother, again. 
>> She just laughed it off. And then, to make it worse, some people 
>> overheard and said, "right. As if she never had kids of her own. You've 
>> had a kid for six months, she's been a parent for twenty-two years. What 
>> makes you think you're right." I explained as calmly as I could that 
>> every parent has the right to make specific rules for their children, and 
>> that each person has a different parenting style. I don't agree with a 
>> lot of what my mom thinks is ok parenting.
>> She's an adopted mom to my youngest cousin, and that kid is spoiled, does 
>> not have any manners whatsoever, and does poorly in school. My mom has a 
>> tendency to enable kids as much as she can before she reaches the 
>> breaking point and then yells at them. And I'm not at all interested in 
>> that style of parenting.
>> I'd like my son to have a relationship with his grandma as well as the 
>> rest of my family, and I'd like to keep the peace here. But it'll be 
>> difficult for me to trust her alone with the child if she undermines my 
>> rules and mocks my parenting style. She thinks that some of my methods 
>> that I want to implement with my son are rediculous--For instance, I want 
>> to introduce solid vegetables first, before I introduce solid fruits to 
>> him so that he will actually develop an affinity for vegetables instead 
>> of all sweet things. She thinks it's rediculous that I don't want my kid 
>> to be left alone to sleep on an adult-size bed without barriers, even 
>> though he's learning how to crawl and is becoming very mobile.
>> I know I'm on a bit of a rant in this message, but I am positive that if 
>> I wasn't blind, I would have more authority over him in my mom's eyes. 
>> She obviously understands that I can take care of him because I'm with 
>> him  24/7, and she's not around everyday--just once or twice a week, but 
>> when she is around, she annoys the crap out of me by trying to take 
>> charge. I apreciate some advice she gives me, but other than that, it's 
>> World War Three with her when it comes to my son.
>> So jo elizabeth, I think you were right in standing your ground. It's 
>> your kid, your rules, you raise her the way you think is best. And by the 
>> way, judging from your posts on this list, I'd say you're raising your 
>> daughter to be a smart, self-sufficient wise kid. Good going.
>>
>> Sorry for the rant, guys.
>>
>> Bernadetta
>>
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>
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