[blparent] Whose rules should take precedence?

[Jo Elizabeth Pinto]

Okay.  But how did I not stand up for myself?  How did Bernadetta not stand 
up for herself?  Both of us said what we felt needed to be said.  Now, I 
probably won't end my daughter's relationship with Nanna over a piece of 
cake.  I truly wanted opinions about whose rules should take precedence and 
why, so I asked the question.  I had no idea that I would be called names 
like "big barny tough girl" and "blindy"--which I find especially demeaning 
coming from another blind person.  But I have broken off relationships 
between my daughter and others who were toxic to her, in my opinion, and 
been willing to say so and say why on the list.  So why would anybody assume 
that I, or Bernadetta, or any of us, cower from conflict, particularly when 
it affects our children?  I'm really not getting what this is about.

Jo Elizabeth

I am somehow less interested in the weight and convolutions of Einstein's 
brain than in the near certainty that people of equal talent have lived and 
died in cotton fields and sweatshops.--Stephen Jay Gould
-----Original Message----- 
From: Gabe Vega
Sent: Sunday, September 02, 2012 10:40 PM
To: Blind Parents Mailing List
Subject: Re: [blparent] Whose rules should take precedence?

then its simple. if some one mistreats you and you can't stand up for 
yourself. stay away from them. simple. boom, it will never happen again. but 
I know, I can just hear it, but oh, thats grandma, bla bla bla bla. but if 
grandma can't respect you, let you parent your own child, then guess what? 
grandma stays away. till she can respect mommy for mommy and daddy for 
daddy. simple. but will any of you all do it. no, because you just won't.

On Sep 2, 2012, at 9:34 PM, Bernadetta Pracon 
<bernadetta_pracon at samobile.net> wrote:

> Hi guys,
> Actually, this is very much blindness related. Perhaps not every blind 
> parent faces this sort of thing, but I have found this going on in my own 
> family. It's been on my mind more and more lately--In my case, it's my 
> mother who's trying to take over with my six-month-old son.
> Like most new parents, I let my mom help me with Gabriel from time to 
> time--What new mommy doesn't do that if her mom lives near by. Grandma 
> absolutely adores her new grandson and she is helpful when I'm in a crunch 
> with work... But she's way too pushy, and she tries to take charge of my 
> son, especially when we're out together or at a family function.
> Yesterday, my younger cousin had a birthday party, which was a family 
> function. We were all their--My mom, my son, my son's dad and I. When it 
> came time to feed Gabriel, I got up to mix his rice cereal (he's eating 
> solids on a regular basis now). When I reached for his little bowl, 
> without warning, my mom reached over from behind me and snatched the bowl 
> and cereal box from my hands and proceeded to mix the food for him. I was 
> irritated, obviously so I protested and asked her why she did that. She 
> said, "Because you don't give him enough food. Plus you're not going to 
> feed him because he's in his nice party clothes and you're going to get 
> him dirty. And I don't want people staring at you while you're feeding him 
> because they've never seen a blind person feed a baby.".
> Now, just to get something streight, my mom's idea of enough food is a 
> bowl and a half of rice cereal. For a six month old... right.   Well. 
> Imagine how furious I got at that. But I didnt' want to cause a huge scene 
> right there, so I told her a few choice words, and then took her aside 
> later and let her have it.
> I told her that he's my kid and I make the rules, and that she should 
> never forget her place as the grandmother, instead of the mother, again. 
> She just laughed it off. And then, to make it worse, some people overheard 
> and said, "right. As if she never had kids of her own. You've had a kid 
> for six months, she's been a parent for twenty-two years. What makes you 
> think you're right." I explained as calmly as I could that every parent 
> has the right to make specific rules for their children, and that each 
> person has a different parenting style. I don't agree with a lot of what 
> my mom thinks is ok parenting.
> She's an adopted mom to my youngest cousin, and that kid is spoiled, does 
> not have any manners whatsoever, and does poorly in school. My mom has a 
> tendency to enable kids as much as she can before she reaches the breaking 
> point and then yells at them. And I'm not at all interested in that style 
> of parenting.
> I'd like my son to have a relationship with his grandma as well as the 
> rest of my family, and I'd like to keep the peace here. But it'll be 
> difficult for me to trust her alone with the child if she undermines my 
> rules and mocks my parenting style. She thinks that some of my methods 
> that I want to implement with my son are rediculous--For instance, I want 
> to introduce solid vegetables first, before I introduce solid fruits to 
> him so that he will actually develop an affinity for vegetables instead of 
> all sweet things. She thinks it's rediculous that I don't want my kid to 
> be left alone to sleep on an adult-size bed without barriers, even though 
> he's learning how to crawl and is becoming very mobile.
> I know I'm on a bit of a rant in this message, but I am positive that if I 
> wasn't blind, I would have more authority over him in my mom's eyes. She 
> obviously understands that I can take care of him because I'm with him 
> 24/7, and she's not around everyday--just once or twice a week, but when 
> she is around, she annoys the crap out of me by trying to take charge. I 
> apreciate some advice she gives me, but other than that, it's World War 
> Three with her when it comes to my son.
> So jo elizabeth, I think you were right in standing your ground. It's your 
> kid, your rules, you raise her the way you think is best. And by the way, 
> judging from your posts on this list, I'd say you're raising your daughter 
> to be a smart, self-sufficient wise kid. Good going.
>
> Sorry for the rant, guys.
>
> Bernadetta
>
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