[blparent] Whose rules should take precedence?

[Pickrell, Rebecca M (TASC)]

Sounds like Grandpa is the go to guy re cake. Tell Sarah to keep that in mind.
What's more important is that you have this person in your life and you know she's pushy. So she isn't acting out of character. You agreed to this relationship and you knew what you were agreeing to. Don't be at all surprised here.
I'd figure out if you still want to live with these terms or not.
If you and Sarah love this woman, I'd just realize that grandpa is the cake guy and to quietly approach him when this issue comes up again.
The discipline thing is interesting. I realize that you're the parent and you have the right to discipline, but it's not as if Sarah will forget this if someonelse steps in.
I've had situations where family and friends step in partly because my kid is doing something obnoxious or dumb and they're right there, other times because they seem to convey a message using the right language that I for whatever reason am not able to convey. I suspect much of that has to do with them not being Mom.
Three or four is when this stuff starts to kick in. So you have a couple options here. Realize that Sarah is growing up and that other people will have an impact on her life and social development.
Look at Nanna and realize that for whatever reason you chose her to be in your life and you are continuing to choose that path. Opt out if this is no longer tenable, though realize that this may be an extreme solution. Realize that much of life is learning how to appropriately mix several sets of rules. Teach Sarah who she needs to talk to to get what she wants. That's a skill we all need to learn. Grandpa is clearly the go to guy at dessert time. Realize the difference between asking and telling. You could have simply told Nanna "Please give me another slice of cake" and handed it to Sarah. That may be how you handle these situations in the future if you don't go the grandpa route.
As for the tantrum, honestly I'd let it go. Sounds like both of you were spun up and got into a female pissing contest.

-----Original Message-----
From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Jo Elizabeth Pinto
Sent: Sunday, September 02, 2012 11:15 PM
To: NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List
Subject: [blparent] Whose rules should take precedence?

I know this may not sound blindness related, but it kind of is in a way because my daughter’s adopted Nanna tends to take over a lot instead of letting me be the mom.  She’s been there all of my daughter’s life, knitted her a blanket, kept her overnight, all the things a grandma loves to do.  I love her dearly.  But, frankly, she’s pushy.

There was a situation that happened today while we were at her house for a barbecue.  A bunch of us from church had contributed food.My daughter had eaten a fairly balanced meal, so I wasn’t worried about her nutrition.  When it came time for dessert, she chose to have a piece of carrot cake, which she promptly ate the frosting off of and then lost interest in.  Par for the course.  Then she asked Nanna for some lemon cake.  Lots of us were just having little smidges of each kind, so I was surprised when Nanna said no, there was still cake on her plate.  I could see it if she hadn’t eaten dinner first, but she had, so I thought that was ridiculous.  Trying to keep the mood light, I reached over and took the cake off my daughter’s dish, then said, “Okay, tell Nanna your plate’s clean.”  Nanna still refused to give her the lemon cake.  My daughter started to pitch a fit in true four-year-old fashion, screeching and waving her arms around.  Nanna told her to go sit on the stairs till she was ready to be fit company.  I said no, she’s my daughter and I’m in charge here.  Nanna told me, raising her voice, that we were in her house, so her rules came first.  I said I didn’t appreciate her yelling at me, and that if she wouldn’t serve my daughter a slice of lemon cake, I would do it myself.  I guess Nanna’s husband had gotten his fill by that time because he cut my daughter a slice of cake and gave it to her without saying anything.

I know that situation should ideally not have happened in front of my daughter, but it did.  I’m not looking for anybody to get on my case, but I’m interested in some answers from other blind parents.  Whose rules should have taken precedence?  Is there anything I can do about it now?

Jo Elizabeth

I am somehow less interested in the weight and convolutions of Einstein's brain than in the near certainty that people of equal talent have lived and died in cotton fields and sweatshops.--Stephen Jay Gould
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