[blparent] Diffusing Temper Tantrums (Part of Whose rules should take precedence?)

[Pickrell, Rebecca M (TASC)]

Jo Elizabeth,
A couple things. First, I really like you teaching Sarah to get Nanna's attentiona nd saying "I have something I need to tell you".
If Nanna won't buy into this, then you do have some real problems. This is respectful and takes the needs of everybody into account.
Second, you may want to watch two eppisodes of Mad Men.One is at I think Bobby's birthday party and all the kids get peanut butter sandwiches. There was no choice or discussion. I mention this because that's the era that Nanna would have been parenting in.

Then watch the eppisode where Bobby breaks a couple random objects in the house. From today's perspective, he's just being a boy. That wasn't how Betty saw it.
The show is great in its own right, but those two eppisodes will be insightful for you I think.



-----Original Message-----
From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Jo Elizabeth Pinto
Sent: Tuesday, September 04, 2012 12:56 PM
To: Blind Parents Mailing List
Subject: Re: [blparent] Diffusing Temper Tantrums (Part of Whose rules should take precedence?)

Oh, Nanna and I had words about the swatting incident.  Not necessarily that
it's never allowed, but I told her that was definitely not the first step in
dealing with a temper tantrum as far as I'm concerned.  The issue arose when
Nanna gave the kids peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch.  She
didn't know Sarah had never liked peanut butter, and I wasn't there to tell
her.  I assume Sarah didn't know or didn't remember till she got the
sandwich that peanut butter was something she didn't care for.  So she took
a few nibbles and told Nanna she didn't like the sandwich.  Nanna said she
could either eat what was in front of her or go hungry, and Sarah, in a move
I would have expected given the offered choices, laid down the sandwich and
walked away from the table.  Nanna marched her back and said she had to eat,
which I told her wasn't fair since she'd offered going hungry as one of the
permitted options.  So Sarah started to pitch a fit, which again wasn't
unreasonable to me, and Nanna swatted her and made her sit down at the table
and eat the sandwich.  Sarah ate it, but she told me later, "Mommy, it made
my teeth feel funny."  What I said to Nanna was that she could have diffused
the situation when Sarah first stated her dislike for the sandwich.  If she
had gotten into a conversation about it, she might have realized that peanut
butter made Sarah's teeth feel funny, and at least had some more information
to go on.  But I said if she didn't see going hungry as one of the allowed
options, then she shouldn't have offered it.

Actually, a learning moment came up at the barbecue, before the dessert
incident.  Sarah had asked for a cheeseburger, but there were no more
burgers that had been grilled with the cheese melted on.  So Nanna gave
Sarah a hamburger with a piece of cold cheese on top.  Sarah started to get
upset, and Nanna was about to say something to her, but I told her to wait.
Sarah gets frustrated when she can't find the words to express something
quickly enough, and if pushed too hard, she'll go into a temper tantrum
instead of thinking about the point she wants to get across.  So I had her
take a few deep breaths, then asked her what she wanted to say.  She said,
"Mom, it isn't sticky!"  I asked her what wasn't sticky, and she took my
hand and put it on her burger with the cold piece of cheese on it.  I picked
up the cheese and asked her if that was what she meant, and she said yes.
The problem was she didn't want the cheese on the hamburger if it wasn't
melted.  So I explained to her what melted meant, and she ate the hamburger
without the cheese on it.  I wasn't about to eat the cheese because I don't
like it, so Nanna ate it.  I had hoped Nanna would observe and realize I had
a way of dealing with Sarah that tended to get the results I wanted better
than responding with an iron fist, but then the incident with the cake
happened, so I guess the point wasn't made.

Nanna has been a good friend to me, especially while I was pregnant and a
new mom, and didn't have my own mother to talk to.  She didn't get to watch
her own grandchildren grow up because her daughter was in another state and
her son distanced himself from the family for a while.  So she doted on
Sarah from the beginning, and on me too, really.  She took care of Sarah
when I had my gallbladder out.  Once or twice a month, we've all gone on
girls' day out, had lunch, maybe shopped a little.  Her pushiness does get
to me often, especially because my personality is a little more laid back
than hers.  But what I told Sarah after the barbecue is that she needs to
try really hard when she's with Nanna to stay calm and use her words.  I'm
also thinking of putting a signal in place for when Sarah is alone with
Nanna, something like, have Sarah tap her gently on the hand and say,
"Nanna, please let me tell you something."  I'll try to be around and
support her in practicing that a few times if Nanna will buy into it,
especially when there's nothing upsetting going on.   I don't want to break
off a relationship that I think is beneficial to all of us.  I think I was
reacting more to feeling pushed around than I was to the question of the
cake.  Also, some of our differing views about temper tantrums versus Sarah
expressing herself in other ways will start to be non-issues as Sarah gets
older and more confident in her verbal skills.  I'll just have to watch for
other things that crop up.  Like Nanna telling Sarah she'll teach her to sew
in a few years--I was afraid she was going to say, "Because Mommy can't see
to do it"--so I quickly interjected, "Yeah, because Mom doesn't enjoy that
kind of thing."

Jo Elizabeth

I am somehow less interested in the weight and convolutions of Einstein's
brain than in the near certainty that people of equal talent have lived and
died in cotton fields and sweatshops.--Stephen Jay Gould
-----Original Message-----
From: Pickrell, Rebecca M (TASC)
Sent: Tuesday, September 04, 2012 7:23 AM
To: 'Blind Parents Mailing List'
Subject: Re: [blparent] Whose rules should take precedence?

Oh Jo Elizabeth I'd shutthe swatting down thing fast. Not. Cool!
You two need to talk. Find out how you can defuse her since it seems she
can't do it herself. Sounds like she wants to but needs some kind of hint
she's getting spun up and to just chill.
Also think about why you've chosen this person to be a friend and why you
continue to choose. You can always say no if need be.
It sounds like she's doing a lot of old-school parenting but if you don't
like it, then shut it down.
I'm not as sure that your rules always win, you did choose to come to her
house and people's houses do have different rules. Part of participating in
society is knowing how to balance my rules v. their rules.


-----Original Message-----
From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of Jo Elizabeth Pinto
Sent: Monday, September 03, 2012 2:39 AM
To: Blind Parents Mailing List
Subject: Re: [blparent] Whose rules should take precedence?

I guess maybe I could have gone a step further and not let her have the cake
at all, since I knew she was going to eat the frosting off and leave the
rest.  She always does that.  Nanna did see her with the cake, but I reached
out and took it, so I knew how much was left.  A triangle piece, maybe the
size of my palm.  Hardly worth going to war over, I suppose, except that
yesterday, Nanna swatted Sarah twice on the bottom and said, "Maybe your
mommy lets you get away with temper tantrums, but Nanna won't."  I don't, in
fact, let my daughter have temper tantrums.  But I find that when she starts
screeching and waving her arms around, it usually means she's frustrated and
can't find the words fast enough to say why.  So I'm willing to stop her and
make her calm down and take a deep breath, then think about what she wants
to say and get her point across.  That's why I asked the original question,
wondering if maybe I overreacted.  It sounds like most of the consensus is
that I did, which I appreciate hearing, in civil terms.  Nanna and I will
get it figured out, but the bigger issue is that I have to stop her when she
does take over sometimes.  She's told me in the past that it's okay for me
to say she needs to back off a bit, but apparently when I did, it wasn't
right.  It all gets very confusing.  Still, it's called having family type
relationships, and it takes work.  I don't believe there are only two
legitimate choices, either walk away or give in.  I do believe it's good for
our children to see us resolve conflicts and go on loving those who are in
our world.

Jo Elizabeth

I am somehow less interested in the weight and convolutions of Einstein's
brain than in the near certainty that people of equal talent have lived and
died in cotton fields and sweatshops.--Stephen Jay Gould
-----Original Message-----
From: Musiclady
Sent: Monday, September 03, 2012 12:25 AM
To: Blind Parents Mailing List
Subject: Re: [blparent] Whose rules should take precedence?

Personally, I would have gone with your nana.  Because she saw
the kid with the cake, so she should deal with it.  I think it's
important for our kids to receive correction for others not just
us.
Steph

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