[blparent] Diffusing Temper Tantrums (Part of Whose rules should take precedence?)

[Bernadetta Pracon]

Jo,
Well, it looks like you know what you're doing. You know your kid best, 
and Nanna might have the best of intentions in mind, but her idea of 
discipline is outdated, so it's perfectly right for you to press on 
with your way of interraction with your daughter.  It's unfortunate 
that the incident with the peanut butter sandwich took place; I had a 
similar thing happen to me when I was a kid.
An aunt from europe came to stay with us for the summer one year, and 
she was in charge of watching me and her two children during the day 
when my mom worked. She made food that I didn't care for at all and I 
was forced to eat it--even if I was told that I could leave it and go 
hungry instead. i would have gladly waited till Mom got home--I wasn't 
going to make the Aunt cook separate meals for me. But she still saw me 
as being spoiled... I actually started pretending to sleep in very, 
very , very long during the day, just so that  I could avoid her and 
her child-raising tactics. When my mom figured that out, it didn't go 
over very well with her... She sent me to spend time with my grandma 
during the day instead.
My point is that every parent knows there child best--At least every 
good parent does. You are trying to raise your Sarah with communication 
in mind, and that kind of parenting was out of the question back in the 
day. Unfortunately, most likely when Nanna was raising her kids, the 
right way of parenting was using tough love... Which was basically, "do 
as I say, or else". Kids were made out to be total brats, no matter how 
they acted. It didnt' come to mind that when a kid opposes a rule or 
defies authority they might just have a reason to do so. Listening to 
children was years into the future in that era. What we're realizing 
now is that children aren't robots, they aren't stupid, they aren't 
untrained animals that need to be whipped into shape. Of course there 
are spoiled, bratty children who need to be showed who's boss all over 
the place, but most importantly, children are little humans. They have 
feelings, personalities, questions and preferences just like grown-ups 
do. People of an earlier generation have a great deal of trouble 
getting their head around that one. They feel that if parents give 
their kid a little understanding, a little leeway, that the kid will 
automatically be spoiled, that the parent is horrible, end of story. 
But you're doing the right thing with your little girl in my oppinion, 
and I hope your mediation between her, yourself and Nanna goes smoothly 
in the future. You might run into some challenges, but at least you can 
be sure that your idea of communicating with Sarah instead of punishing 
her is a good one.
I personally am not of the persuasion that swatting or spanking is a 
good idea. i dont' think it accomplishes anything and there's recent 
research backing that up. But an little swat on the butt can't be 
considered abuse, and if a parent feels it necessary well, then it's 
just a certain style of parenting I suppose.
In any case, again, I hope you and nana figure things out so that 
things go more smoothly for you as Sarah grows.

Bernadetta