[blparent] Diffusing Temper Tantrums (Part of Whose rulesshould take precedence?)
Kate McEachern
kflsouth at gmail.com
Tue Sep 4 20:59:03 UTC 2012
I think food at some one elses house is a tricky thing. If you truly don't
like the food and the person doesn't know, its just rude not to eat some of
it. Yes, your choice is to be hungry but your still being polight. My two
girls know most of the time they eat what there given or they don't eat till
the next meal. Because food is food, it doesn't matter if you like it. So
I can see the food being tricky. If one of my Daughter's friends was here
for dinner and chose not to eat I wouldn't be upset if they either tried it
or polightly declined to eat. But if they kept at me to make them something
else after the rule was explaned, then I would be anoyed. And a tantrem
would get them sent home.
Just my thoughts.
Katie
----- Original Message -----
From: "Jo Elizabeth Pinto" <jopinto at msn.com>
To: "Blind Parents Mailing List" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Tuesday, September 04, 2012 12:55 PM
Subject: Re: [blparent] Diffusing Temper Tantrums (Part of Whose rulesshould
take precedence?)
> Oh, Nanna and I had words about the swatting incident. Not necessarily
> that it's never allowed, but I told her that was definitely not the first
> step in dealing with a temper tantrum as far as I'm concerned. The issue
> arose when Nanna gave the kids peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for
> lunch. She didn't know Sarah had never liked peanut butter, and I wasn't
> there to tell her. I assume Sarah didn't know or didn't remember till she
> got the sandwich that peanut butter was something she didn't care for. So
> she took a few nibbles and told Nanna she didn't like the sandwich. Nanna
> said she could either eat what was in front of her or go hungry, and
> Sarah, in a move I would have expected given the offered choices, laid
> down the sandwich and walked away from the table. Nanna marched her back
> and said she had to eat, which I told her wasn't fair since she'd offered
> going hungry as one of the permitted options. So Sarah started to pitch a
> fit, which again wasn't unreasonable to me, and Nanna swatted her and made
> her sit down at the table and eat the sandwich. Sarah ate it, but she
> told me later, "Mommy, it made my teeth feel funny." What I said to Nanna
> was that she could have diffused the situation when Sarah first stated her
> dislike for the sandwich. If she had gotten into a conversation about it,
> she might have realized that peanut butter made Sarah's teeth feel funny,
> and at least had some more information to go on. But I said if she didn't
> see going hungry as one of the allowed options, then she shouldn't have
> offered it.
>
> Actually, a learning moment came up at the barbecue, before the dessert
> incident. Sarah had asked for a cheeseburger, but there were no more
> burgers that had been grilled with the cheese melted on. So Nanna gave
> Sarah a hamburger with a piece of cold cheese on top. Sarah started to
> get upset, and Nanna was about to say something to her, but I told her to
> wait. Sarah gets frustrated when she can't find the words to express
> something quickly enough, and if pushed too hard, she'll go into a temper
> tantrum instead of thinking about the point she wants to get across. So I
> had her take a few deep breaths, then asked her what she wanted to say.
> She said, "Mom, it isn't sticky!" I asked her what wasn't sticky, and she
> took my hand and put it on her burger with the cold piece of cheese on it.
> I picked up the cheese and asked her if that was what she meant, and she
> said yes. The problem was she didn't want the cheese on the hamburger if
> it wasn't melted. So I explained to her what melted meant, and she ate
> the hamburger without the cheese on it. I wasn't about to eat the cheese
> because I don't like it, so Nanna ate it. I had hoped Nanna would observe
> and realize I had a way of dealing with Sarah that tended to get the
> results I wanted better than responding with an iron fist, but then the
> incident with the cake happened, so I guess the point wasn't made.
>
> Nanna has been a good friend to me, especially while I was pregnant and a
> new mom, and didn't have my own mother to talk to. She didn't get to
> watch her own grandchildren grow up because her daughter was in another
> state and her son distanced himself from the family for a while. So she
> doted on Sarah from the beginning, and on me too, really. She took care
> of Sarah when I had my gallbladder out. Once or twice a month, we've all
> gone on girls' day out, had lunch, maybe shopped a little. Her pushiness
> does get to me often, especially because my personality is a little more
> laid back than hers. But what I told Sarah after the barbecue is that she
> needs to try really hard when she's with Nanna to stay calm and use her
> words. I'm also thinking of putting a signal in place for when Sarah is
> alone with Nanna, something like, have Sarah tap her gently on the hand
> and say, "Nanna, please let me tell you something." I'll try to be around
> and support her in practicing that a few times if Nanna will buy into it,
> especially when there's nothing upsetting going on. I don't want to
> break off a relationship that I think is beneficial to all of us. I think
> I was reacting more to feeling pushed around than I was to the question of
> the cake. Also, some of our differing views about temper tantrums versus
> Sarah expressing herself in other ways will start to be non-issues as
> Sarah gets older and more confident in her verbal skills. I'll just have
> to watch for other things that crop up. Like Nanna telling Sarah she'll
> teach her to sew in a few years--I was afraid she was going to say,
> "Because Mommy can't see to do it"--so I quickly interjected, "Yeah,
> because Mom doesn't enjoy that kind of thing."
>
> Jo Elizabeth
>
> I am somehow less interested in the weight and convolutions of Einstein's
> brain than in the near certainty that people of equal talent have lived
> and died in cotton fields and sweatshops.--Stephen Jay Gould
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Pickrell, Rebecca M (TASC)
> Sent: Tuesday, September 04, 2012 7:23 AM
> To: 'Blind Parents Mailing List'
> Subject: Re: [blparent] Whose rules should take precedence?
>
> Oh Jo Elizabeth I'd shutthe swatting down thing fast. Not. Cool!
> You two need to talk. Find out how you can defuse her since it seems she
> can't do it herself. Sounds like she wants to but needs some kind of hint
> she's getting spun up and to just chill.
> Also think about why you've chosen this person to be a friend and why you
> continue to choose. You can always say no if need be.
> It sounds like she's doing a lot of old-school parenting but if you don't
> like it, then shut it down.
> I'm not as sure that your rules always win, you did choose to come to her
> house and people's houses do have different rules. Part of participating
> in society is knowing how to balance my rules v. their rules.
>
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
> Behalf Of Jo Elizabeth Pinto
> Sent: Monday, September 03, 2012 2:39 AM
> To: Blind Parents Mailing List
> Subject: Re: [blparent] Whose rules should take precedence?
>
> I guess maybe I could have gone a step further and not let her have the
> cake
> at all, since I knew she was going to eat the frosting off and leave the
> rest. She always does that. Nanna did see her with the cake, but I
> reached
> out and took it, so I knew how much was left. A triangle piece, maybe the
> size of my palm. Hardly worth going to war over, I suppose, except that
> yesterday, Nanna swatted Sarah twice on the bottom and said, "Maybe your
> mommy lets you get away with temper tantrums, but Nanna won't." I don't,
> in
> fact, let my daughter have temper tantrums. But I find that when she
> starts
> screeching and waving her arms around, it usually means she's frustrated
> and
> can't find the words fast enough to say why. So I'm willing to stop her
> and
> make her calm down and take a deep breath, then think about what she wants
> to say and get her point across. That's why I asked the original
> question,
> wondering if maybe I overreacted. It sounds like most of the consensus is
> that I did, which I appreciate hearing, in civil terms. Nanna and I will
> get it figured out, but the bigger issue is that I have to stop her when
> she
> does take over sometimes. She's told me in the past that it's okay for me
> to say she needs to back off a bit, but apparently when I did, it wasn't
> right. It all gets very confusing. Still, it's called having family type
> relationships, and it takes work. I don't believe there are only two
> legitimate choices, either walk away or give in. I do believe it's good
> for
> our children to see us resolve conflicts and go on loving those who are in
> our world.
>
> Jo Elizabeth
>
> I am somehow less interested in the weight and convolutions of Einstein's
> brain than in the near certainty that people of equal talent have lived
> and
> died in cotton fields and sweatshops.--Stephen Jay Gould
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Musiclady
> Sent: Monday, September 03, 2012 12:25 AM
> To: Blind Parents Mailing List
> Subject: Re: [blparent] Whose rules should take precedence?
>
> Personally, I would have gone with your nana. Because she saw
> the kid with the cake, so she should deal with it. I think it's
> important for our kids to receive correction for others not just
> us.
> Steph
>
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