[blparent] Roommates and being a single parent?

Mon Sep 10 13:42:35 UTC 2012

Hmm, Kate, this is  atough one.
I guess I'm wondering why you chose to ask for help from someone you don't want to dicipline your kids.
I'm not saying she should be the parent, but it sounds like she has to deal with all the s*** your kids dole out yet she can do nothing to convey to them that what they're doing is a problem.
I have a family member who doesn't have kids. He has an interesting dicipline style. He once threatened to shave my daughter's head if she kept up with a certain behavior.  The behavior was annoying, telling her to stop wasn't getting through and when he threatened to shave her head I thought "You know, what a cool idea".  My daughter came to me and asked me "Will you really let him do it Mommy"? and I said "Yes, he asked you to stop, you chose not to listen. I asked you to stop, you chose not to listen.  At this point, this is between the two of you".
Shaving her head was a great threat for acouple reasons. One, we had the tools on hand to follow through. Two, it wouldn't hurt. Three, her hair would grow back. And four, she would deffinately learn some good lessons.

Kate, I think you're setting your roommate up to fail. Her treatment isn't ok, but you also haven't left her much room. Your kids are I'm sure wonderful.  I'm also sure they are annoying little bastards because at times we all are.

I think you need to give her some more leeway.
Also, think about what you said about your older child's language. You want it to stop not because nobody likes someone who uses a nasty tone, but because she's using it on you and her little sister.  You don't seem to care that your daughter may have used the very same tone on other people, perhaps your roommate?  You only care when it impacts you.  Not a good message to convey to your daughter, or your roommate.
-----Original Message-----
From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Kate McEachern
Sent: Saturday, September 08, 2012 11:27 PM
To: 'Blind Parents Mailing List'
Subject: Re: [blparent] Roommates and being a single parent?

The issue is we have been in this place for a month and I could leave early
but that would mean breaking a lease and leaving a roommate in the lurch.
So in reality I am here till July 2013.  I'll gbe traveling to Gabes a few
times before then to visit alone some and with the kids, but I thought
because of how long we have known each other there wouldn't be any
surprises.  But it's like they say you never really know some one.

Thanks.
Katie

-----Original Message-----
From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of Tammy
Sent: Saturday, September 08, 2012 3:27 PM
To: Blind Parents Mailing List
Subject: Re: [blparent] Roommates and being a single parent?

Hi,

Any idea how long it might be before you can move?  If it's going to be a
month or so I would weigh the positives of asking verses telling your
roommate to talk to your children in a more appropriate tone.  If you tell
her to stop she might then tell you that she won't help you anymore with the

children, and that would make things more challenging for you especially if
you're not moving for awhile.   But if you maybe just remind her that they
are children and she needs to watch her tone a bit around them it might not
sound too bad, and might not ruffle her feathers as much.  If you're going
to be there awhile though you might just have to suck it up and tell her to
stop it.  I don't know that there's really a way to do that without a bit of

a rift although if she's an adult one would think she'd realize that they're

your children and she needs to take her cues from you, and do as you say
where they're concerned.  Making comments under her breath isn't appropriate

for her to do especially when the kids are around, and neither is her
talking to your oldest with that snotty attitude, 9 year olds have enough of

an attitude without somebody teaching them more!  Sorry you're having to go
through this, and I hope it gets better.  God knows you've been through
enough!

hth

Tammy

-----Original Message-----
From: Kate McEachern
Sent: Saturday, September 08, 2012 12:56 PM
To: blparent at nfbnet.org
Subject: [blparent] Roommates and being a single parent?

Hi list.

I have been thinking and thinking and have now because of an incident I
walked in on this morning decided to get the lists thoughts on an issue I
have started to have with my roommate.  My roommate has known both my
children for years and had moved to SF to take a job and help me out with
the kids after their Dad fell ill.  Now that I have lost the house we moved
in to an apartment together to help us each save money.  My roommate has
always understood that she is only aloud to repeat to my children what I
have set as a consequence or relay a message I had spoke to her about
earlier in the day sort of like a messenger.  She has been told she is not
to give my kids punishments or handle parenting situations because she feels
she can.  I felt this was cut and dry but I have had a few instentses where
she has overstepped and wanting to live in some sort of peace till me and
the kids move in with Gabe, I would like some thoughts on how to handle this
with out creating a roommate rift.  For the record, I have told Gabe the
basics on this situation but not events so some of this will be news to him
but I think at this point I need to have some unbious thoughts on this and
give him more of an idea of how this affects me and the kids.

Last night my girls were aloud to stay up late because of it being the
weekend.  Tiffy asked to watch TV and my roommate said she was watching
something and would change the channel after the show was over.  The show
ended and Tiffy being three asked again to watch TV. My roommate noticeably
annoyed turned on a random children's channel and walked off to continue
watching TV in the other room.  Later when the girls were bickering not
fighting just being well, little girls, my roommate threatened that if they
didn't stop they would go to bed.  The girls ended there squabble by
deciding to play a video game.  This morning my roommate was mopping the
floor and again Tiffy being three walked by and asked what she was doing.
My roommate annoyed told my three year-old to get out of the room.  Now, yes
Tiffy didn't have to be in the room being mopped, actually she wasn't in the
room she was standing in the door.  It didn't bother me that my roommate
didn't want to give up the TV, or that she wanted Tiffy to stay out of a
room being mopped; I just don't like the tone she is speaking to my children
with.  She has also made snotty comments under her breath about dissitions I
have made with the girls.  One night when the kids just would not sleep I
told both girls they had lost TV and the computer the next day because they
were playing and wouldn't want to get up in the morning.  My roommate
sitting on the couch muttered that "It's not like their going to listen
anyway."  I promptly told her that they may not listen but I was going to
stick to what I said.  I didn't expect them to stop I just gave them the
consequence for not stopping.

My concern is that the level of annoyance my roommate speaks to my children
with seams to be building and there have been times that the girls are doing
nothing and she just gets annoyed.  My room mate at times helps pick my
youngest up from child care and I had my sister-in-law tell me she saw my
roommate with Tiffy and didn't like the way she was speaking to Tiffy.  I
don't think she would hurt the girls, but the annoyed tone has to go,
because my oldest has used this tone towards her sister and once towards me.

So how should I talk about this with my roommate, or is there just nothing I
can do?

Thanks for your thoughts.

Katie

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