[blparent] I'm distraught!

[Jo Elizabeth Pinto]

How have you all managed to forgive yourselves and move on after making a poor traffic crossing with your kids?  Or maybe nobody else has done that?  I feel like such a loser!

My daughter and I went to a new park this afternoon because we finally had decent weather, although there was still snow.  We’ve gone lots of places, and I’ve always been careful about teaching her to watch for cars and be alert around streets.  But the traffic light was unfamiliar to me.  Crossing over was fine, but something funky happened on the way back.  I thought I heard the traffic surge, and although my daughter seemed to be hesitating a little, I urged her to follow me and my guide dog.  I thought she was just nervous about the busy intersection, and kind of whiny because it was cold and she was eager to get home.  I waited a full cycle, listened to the traffic patterns like I always do, and made the decision to go.

And then, you know, you get that sinking feeling, when you’re too far into the crossing to change your mind but you realize it was a bad call.  I heard cars turning on the street we were crossing, on the far side.  So what I thought was a surge, actually, was the cars going into that turn lane.  And there’s my preschooler, holding on tight to my hand and counting on me not to lead her into danger, going, “Mom!  Mom!  Mom!”

I didn’t feel I had any other choice, so I just finished the crossing, thinking we were in plain view at least and that was in our favor.  I’ve done that before, but it was always just me, and I chalked it up to all’s well that ends well, and s**t happens.  I take my chances going out the same as anybody else.  But this time, I tugged my baby right into harm’s way with me.

So how do I get over this and move on?  I know we can’t stop going out, but as it is right now, with her safe in the house having a snack, I never want to poke my nose out the door again.  Seriously, I’m trying to keep it together so she doesn’t see me upset, but I’ve never had such an awful moment as a mom, I don’t think, except maybe the one where I thought my daughter had been hit by the trash truck.  And this one was my fault!

Please, no bashing comments, because nothing anybody can say will manage to make me feel any worse than I already do.  I don’t think I’ve ever once questioned my ability as a blind mom before till now, but here we are.

Jo Elizabeth

Truth is tough. It will not break, like a bubble, at a touch; nay, you may kick it about all day like a football, and it will be round and full at evening.--Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.