[blparent] blindparent REparents just don't understand

[Jo Elizabeth Pinto]

First of all, relax.  The mods are a pretty nice bunch.  You have to get 
pretty far out of line before they turn hostile.

Man, do I understand about parents not getting it.  I could write a book, 
but I won't, since most of the people on the list watched the whole bloody 
battle from the sidelines as I was fighting it out with my family.  There 
were some pretty tragic casualties that came out of it, relationships that 
will very likely never be the same again.  I don't speak to my parents or 
siblings anymore, except maybe a passing hello or merry Christmas if we 
happen to run into each other at the grocery store and civility requires it 
because other people are around.

The short story is that I thought I would never conceive and carry a baby to 
term, but I was surprised by a miracle.  She'll turn six in a few months.  I 
had tried for eight years with my ex husband to have a baby--fertility 
drugs, tube-stretching procedures, various tests, all sorts of failed 
attempts.  I'd gotten divorced, then been with a boyfriend only once.  We 
weren't then in a committed relationship.  I found out for sure that I was 
pregnant on a Monday night.  By the next Saturday, my parents and siblings 
had agreed that I shouldn't raise the baby alone because of my blindness. 
My brother and sister, though I hadn't been told yet, were already fighting 
over my baby, and my brother had even had papers drawn up, ready for me to 
sign guardianship of the baby over to him.  They demanded a family meeting 
and dumped all of this on me, then got shocked and angry when I, with the 
help of the baby's father, refused to give in.

Things got progressively uglier.  I was in the process of buying a condo. 
My family tried to get power of attorney so they could take over buying the 
house.  I blocked that from happening.  They threatened to get Social 
Services involved and make it so I couldn't bring the baby home from the 
hospital.  I took steps to make sure my bases were covered, including taking 
the Hadley correspondence courses on parenting, signing up for a visiting 
nurse program so that I had a professional coming in who could vouch for the 
health of the baby after she was born, participating in the parenting 
classes offered by the hospital where I delivered, and making sure the staff 
at the hospital knew I was blind and didn't have an issue with my disability 
or with sending my baby home with me because of my blindness.  My boyfriend 
also moved in with me before the birth, even though we weren't necessarily 
ready to start living together at that point, just so my family didn't have 
a leg to stand on when it came to their claims of me not having any support. 
It put some strain on our relationship, but we got past it and did okay. 
Eventually, everything blew up into open conflict, and we stopped seeing my 
family at all for years.  It was very sad, since we live within blocks of 
each other, and my daughter has grown up without her cousins and 
grandparents, aunts and uncles.  We did go to the family Christmas party 
this last holiday, and it was tense but fun.  Still, you do what you do. 
It's sad when the ones you have to fight aren't outsiders; they're your own 
flesh and blood.  My family had always been pretty supportive, telling me I 
could do anything I put my mind to, but in the end, they were the ones who 
turned on me the worst.  We didn't end up going to court, but I still keep a 
file of every medical record, every document that says she's up to date in 
school or whatever, in case I ever have to prove I'm a fit mother.  You 
can't be too careful.

Jo Elizabeth

Truth is tough. It will not break, like a bubble, at a touch; nay, you may 
kick it about all day like a football, and it will be round and full at 
evening.--Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.
-----Original Message----- 
From: Kimsan
Sent: Wednesday, January 08, 2014 10:45 PM
To: 'Blind Parents Mailing List'
Subject: Re: [blparent] blindparent REparents just don't understand

My parents are divorced, and have been since I was a young buck, pretty much
my middle daughters age, 8.
I live in the eastern part of the state, and my parents live
on the western part of the state, so I hardly see them.
My family has always been careful, which word I use here, so
I will just describe it and people can pick their own word lol.

I left my mom's house after graduating high school and
wanted to experience independence and trust me, I had no plan of what I
wanted to do at the time, I just wanted to leave.
I remember my mother being so sad and worried about how I was going to make
it, I told her my plans and how financially I was going to make things
happen as I was unemployed, so I left two months later.  13 years later, I
never went back, it isn't pride, it isn't stubbornness, I like my
independence, and yes, it's been rough but every time I look at my 3 darling
girls, in our beautiful home, it was all worth the stress and bs I went
through.
I bring this up because I am not sure if it is just a simple
case of being naïve, or what but here's the story...
Last feb, my wife after 9-years came home and said, she was
done, and wanted no more of the marriage, 3-weeks later, our house caught on
fire, she left town two months later with her boyfriend, I ended up going
for soul custody for our children, and got soul custody this past October
when the divorce was finalized.
>From march to June, while our house was being repaired, I was staying at my
soon to be x-wife's mother's house until it was repaired.  Also, at this
house there were about 10 people and we had to sleep on the floor/couches.
During all of this, I was still working my full time job, running my
business, helping the girls with homework and doing all the things that
parents normally do with their children.  I'm getting to my
point/question/thought...
Anyways, my mom actually calls and says I am sending your dad down there to
live with you until everything settles down.  "you have no family there and
you are blind." My entire family during the summer came down and they
actually said to my face, "if the judge sees that you are living here alone
with the children, and you being blind, you will lose those kids. There is
no way a judge will let a blind person raise children, alone." This was all
in the mits of my divorce, fighting with the x, new summer job, running my
business etc, so I had to show them the door and said, look, if you can't
support me through this endeavor, get the f out.  I'm staying strong and
maintaining my focus for my girls.  In a months time, they saw their house
catch on fire and mommy and daddy break up and they saw mommy drive away
with her new boyfriend.  Someone needs to be strong and do the right thing
and right now you are not helping matters.  The conversation ended, well, if
you end up getting "punked" in court, do not come crying to us.
I put parents just don't understand in the subject line, but
maybe it's deeper than that.  As a blind person who has become a successful
blind person, no, I am not making tons of money, or am I well-known, but I
make enough to do what is important, raise my daughters, and have money set
aside for college for them etc.
What frustrates me at times is no matter if the evidence is in front of
people, you as a blind person will still get questions, doubts etc.  I have
two college degrees, have a full time stable job, run a business, bought my
house and my family still views me as this blind guy who will have problems
managing lol.  I don't know if people here experience this some times but
it's irritating, so let me switch it back to the mailing list topic so I
will not be moderated for going off topic.
It is such the learning experience now that daddy is mom and dad daily.  Mom
use to do all the cooking and cleaning, now when they see daddy cooking,
they get mezmorized and I remember my 8 year old coming into the kitchen and
was like, "wow! Daddy you can cook?" lol, remember, my wife at the time
didn't want me cooking for whatever reason when we were married, but anyways
that was cute.
I just hope with my girls being so young and with them having a full time
blind parent around juggling all that I do, will leave an impact and they
will get something out of this later in life.
-----Original Message-----
From: blparent [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of sheila
Sent: Tuesday, January 7, 2014 3:16 PM
To: Blind Parents Mailing List
Subject: Re: [blparent] blindparent RE3 kids being SNEAKY

oh yes, when Mark was little,my folks came about every two weeks like
clockwork. I felt like I was under a microscope. I finally told Mom that it
wasn't fu when they came and it really stressed me out I filt that nothing I
did was good enough.They mean well but it can be painful.
On 1/7/2014 3:37 PM, dawn stumpner wrote:
> Hi, Jo Elizabeth and Everyone,
>
>     Yes, there have been a few times that my sons throughout the years
> have used the fact that I couldn't see to try to get away with small
> things, for example, trying to leave the house with their hair a mess
> or high water pants on their way to school or pushing a bunch of stuff
> under the bed when cleaning their rooms thinking that I wouldn't
> check.  Most of the time, I figure out what they are doing, and we've
> talked about how sneaking, whether it be getting around my lack of
> vision or sneaking in any other way, is a form of dishonesty, is
> hurtful, and lessens trust.  I think this message has gotten through,
> and the kids don't do any more sneaking than I've heard of my sighted
> peers talking about their kids doing or remember my brother, my
> cousins, and me doing with our parents.  I feel I've done a good job
> over all in imparting the lessons I would like my kids to carry
> through life with them.  They are loving, curious about the world
> around them, generous, and for the most part cooperative and able to
> put themselves in other people's shoes.
>    What bothers me sometimes is my dad's reaction to my lack of sight.
> On the one hand, he was very supportive of me as I grew up, including
> letting me do things like travel overseas that he wasn't always
> comfortable with.  On the other hand, perhaps because he is of an
> older generation, I'm a woman, I'm divorced, and I'm blind, he
> sometimes acts more like the primary parent when he visits than just a
> grandpa.  I have mentioned to him that he yells at my kids for things
> that he doesn't yell at my brother's daughters for, and he responds
> that my nieces have two sighted parents, and that he feels like he has
> to correct my boys because I can't always see what they do and my
> husband isn't there now and wasn't on top of things before the
> divorce.  Each thing that the boys don't do thoroughly, such as
> leaving their dishes on the table, needing to be told to clean their
> rooms again and again, or having to be told to shovel the driveway
> more thoroughly seems to him to be because I can't see what kind of a
> job they have done. My sighted friends deal with the same issues as me
> needing to tell their kids to do a job twice because it wasn't done
> well the first time, etc., but although he says that I do a good job
> and can do things as well as other people, other things he says make
> me feel like what I'm doing isn't enough and is somehow inferior to
> what I would be able to do if I could see and that the kids would not
> try to get away with anything if I could see.
>     Sorry for the long message.  Your email just made me think of some
> of these related issues for me, and it's hard for me to be concise
> about them.  Have any of you ever had difficulty with family members
> or friends thinking that what you do is either amazing when it's just
> ordinary or that any difficulties you have are because of lack of
> sight and that they need to be there to make sure everything turns out
> okay?
>
> Dawn
>
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