[blparent] blindparent REparents just don't understand

[sheila]

families can be difficult to deal with. Its a huge breech of trust when 
these things happen.
On 1/8/2014 11:29 PM, Jo Elizabeth Pinto wrote:
> First of all, relax.  The mods are a pretty nice bunch.  You have to 
> get pretty far out of line before they turn hostile.
>
> Man, do I understand about parents not getting it.  I could write a 
> book, but I won't, since most of the people on the list watched the 
> whole bloody battle from the sidelines as I was fighting it out with 
> my family.  There were some pretty tragic casualties that came out of 
> it, relationships that will very likely never be the same again.  I 
> don't speak to my parents or siblings anymore, except maybe a passing 
> hello or merry Christmas if we happen to run into each other at the 
> grocery store and civility requires it because other people are around.
>
> The short story is that I thought I would never conceive and carry a 
> baby to term, but I was surprised by a miracle.  She'll turn six in a 
> few months.  I had tried for eight years with my ex husband to have a 
> baby--fertility drugs, tube-stretching procedures, various tests, all 
> sorts of failed attempts.  I'd gotten divorced, then been with a 
> boyfriend only once.  We weren't then in a committed relationship.  I 
> found out for sure that I was pregnant on a Monday night.  By the next 
> Saturday, my parents and siblings had agreed that I shouldn't raise 
> the baby alone because of my blindness. My brother and sister, though 
> I hadn't been told yet, were already fighting over my baby, and my 
> brother had even had papers drawn up, ready for me to sign 
> guardianship of the baby over to him.  They demanded a family meeting 
> and dumped all of this on me, then got shocked and angry when I, with 
> the help of the baby's father, refused to give in.
>
> Things got progressively uglier.  I was in the process of buying a 
> condo. My family tried to get power of attorney so they could take 
> over buying the house.  I blocked that from happening.  They 
> threatened to get Social Services involved and make it so I couldn't 
> bring the baby home from the hospital.  I took steps to make sure my 
> bases were covered, including taking the Hadley correspondence courses 
> on parenting, signing up for a visiting nurse program so that I had a 
> professional coming in who could vouch for the health of the baby 
> after she was born, participating in the parenting classes offered by 
> the hospital where I delivered, and making sure the staff at the 
> hospital knew I was blind and didn't have an issue with my disability 
> or with sending my baby home with me because of my blindness.  My 
> boyfriend also moved in with me before the birth, even though we 
> weren't necessarily ready to start living together at that point, just 
> so my family didn't have a leg to stand on when it came to their 
> claims of me not having any support. It put some strain on our 
> relationship, but we got past it and did okay. Eventually, everything 
> blew up into open conflict, and we stopped seeing my family at all for 
> years.  It was very sad, since we live within blocks of each other, 
> and my daughter has grown up without her cousins and grandparents, 
> aunts and uncles.  We did go to the family Christmas party this last 
> holiday, and it was tense but fun.  Still, you do what you do. It's 
> sad when the ones you have to fight aren't outsiders; they're your own 
> flesh and blood.  My family had always been pretty supportive, telling 
> me I could do anything I put my mind to, but in the end, they were the 
> ones who turned on me the worst.  We didn't end up going to court, but 
> I still keep a file of every medical record, every document that says 
> she's up to date in school or whatever, in case I ever have to prove 
> I'm a fit mother.  You can't be too careful.
>
> Jo Elizabeth
>
> Truth is tough. It will not break, like a bubble, at a touch; nay, you 
> may kick it about all day like a football, and it will be round and 
> full at evening.--Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.
> -----Original Message----- From: Kimsan
> Sent: Wednesday, January 08, 2014 10:45 PM
> To: 'Blind Parents Mailing List'
> Subject: Re: [blparent] blindparent REparents just don't understand
>
> My parents are divorced, and have been since I was a young buck, 
> pretty much
> my middle daughters age, 8.
> I live in the eastern part of the state, and my parents live
> on the western part of the state, so I hardly see them.
> My family has always been careful, which word I use here, so
> I will just describe it and people can pick their own word lol.
>
> I left my mom's house after graduating high school and
> wanted to experience independence and trust me, I had no plan of what I
> wanted to do at the time, I just wanted to leave.
> I remember my mother being so sad and worried about how I was going to 
> make
> it, I told her my plans and how financially I was going to make things
> happen as I was unemployed, so I left two months later.  13 years 
> later, I
> never went back, it isn't pride, it isn't stubbornness, I like my
> independence, and yes, it's been rough but every time I look at my 3 
> darling
> girls, in our beautiful home, it was all worth the stress and bs I went
> through.
> I bring this up because I am not sure if it is just a simple
> case of being naïve, or what but here's the story...
> Last feb, my wife after 9-years came home and said, she was
> done, and wanted no more of the marriage, 3-weeks later, our house 
> caught on
> fire, she left town two months later with her boyfriend, I ended up going
> for soul custody for our children, and got soul custody this past October
> when the divorce was finalized.
> From march to June, while our house was being repaired, I was staying 
> at my
> soon to be x-wife's mother's house until it was repaired.  Also, at this
> house there were about 10 people and we had to sleep on the 
> floor/couches.
> During all of this, I was still working my full time job, running my
> business, helping the girls with homework and doing all the things that
> parents normally do with their children.  I'm getting to my
> point/question/thought...
> Anyways, my mom actually calls and says I am sending your dad down 
> there to
> live with you until everything settles down.  "you have no family 
> there and
> you are blind." My entire family during the summer came down and they
> actually said to my face, "if the judge sees that you are living here 
> alone
> with the children, and you being blind, you will lose those kids. 
> There is
> no way a judge will let a blind person raise children, alone." This 
> was all
> in the mits of my divorce, fighting with the x, new summer job, 
> running my
> business etc, so I had to show them the door and said, look, if you can't
> support me through this endeavor, get the f out.  I'm staying strong and
> maintaining my focus for my girls.  In a months time, they saw their 
> house
> catch on fire and mommy and daddy break up and they saw mommy drive away
> with her new boyfriend.  Someone needs to be strong and do the right 
> thing
> and right now you are not helping matters.  The conversation ended, 
> well, if
> you end up getting "punked" in court, do not come crying to us.
> I put parents just don't understand in the subject line, but
> maybe it's deeper than that.  As a blind person who has become a 
> successful
> blind person, no, I am not making tons of money, or am I well-known, 
> but I
> make enough to do what is important, raise my daughters, and have 
> money set
> aside for college for them etc.
> What frustrates me at times is no matter if the evidence is in front of
> people, you as a blind person will still get questions, doubts etc.  I 
> have
> two college degrees, have a full time stable job, run a business, 
> bought my
> house and my family still views me as this blind guy who will have 
> problems
> managing lol.  I don't know if people here experience this some times but
> it's irritating, so let me switch it back to the mailing list topic so I
> will not be moderated for going off topic.
> It is such the learning experience now that daddy is mom and dad 
> daily.  Mom
> use to do all the cooking and cleaning, now when they see daddy cooking,
> they get mezmorized and I remember my 8 year old coming into the 
> kitchen and
> was like, "wow! Daddy you can cook?" lol, remember, my wife at the time
> didn't want me cooking for whatever reason when we were married, but 
> anyways
> that was cute.
> I just hope with my girls being so young and with them having a full time
> blind parent around juggling all that I do, will leave an impact and they
> will get something out of this later in life.
> -----Original Message-----
> From: blparent [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of sheila
> Sent: Tuesday, January 7, 2014 3:16 PM
> To: Blind Parents Mailing List
> Subject: Re: [blparent] blindparent RE3 kids being SNEAKY
>
> oh yes, when Mark was little,my folks came about every two weeks like
> clockwork. I felt like I was under a microscope. I finally told Mom 
> that it
> wasn't fu when they came and it really stressed me out I filt that 
> nothing I
> did was good enough.They mean well but it can be painful.
> On 1/7/2014 3:37 PM, dawn stumpner wrote:
>> Hi, Jo Elizabeth and Everyone,
>>
>>     Yes, there have been a few times that my sons throughout the years
>> have used the fact that I couldn't see to try to get away with small
>> things, for example, trying to leave the house with their hair a mess
>> or high water pants on their way to school or pushing a bunch of stuff
>> under the bed when cleaning their rooms thinking that I wouldn't
>> check.  Most of the time, I figure out what they are doing, and we've
>> talked about how sneaking, whether it be getting around my lack of
>> vision or sneaking in any other way, is a form of dishonesty, is
>> hurtful, and lessens trust.  I think this message has gotten through,
>> and the kids don't do any more sneaking than I've heard of my sighted
>> peers talking about their kids doing or remember my brother, my
>> cousins, and me doing with our parents.  I feel I've done a good job
>> over all in imparting the lessons I would like my kids to carry
>> through life with them.  They are loving, curious about the world
>> around them, generous, and for the most part cooperative and able to
>> put themselves in other people's shoes.
>>    What bothers me sometimes is my dad's reaction to my lack of sight.
>> On the one hand, he was very supportive of me as I grew up, including
>> letting me do things like travel overseas that he wasn't always
>> comfortable with.  On the other hand, perhaps because he is of an
>> older generation, I'm a woman, I'm divorced, and I'm blind, he
>> sometimes acts more like the primary parent when he visits than just a
>> grandpa.  I have mentioned to him that he yells at my kids for things
>> that he doesn't yell at my brother's daughters for, and he responds
>> that my nieces have two sighted parents, and that he feels like he has
>> to correct my boys because I can't always see what they do and my
>> husband isn't there now and wasn't on top of things before the
>> divorce.  Each thing that the boys don't do thoroughly, such as
>> leaving their dishes on the table, needing to be told to clean their
>> rooms again and again, or having to be told to shovel the driveway
>> more thoroughly seems to him to be because I can't see what kind of a
>> job they have done. My sighted friends deal with the same issues as me
>> needing to tell their kids to do a job twice because it wasn't done
>> well the first time, etc., but although he says that I do a good job
>> and can do things as well as other people, other things he says make
>> me feel like what I'm doing isn't enough and is somehow inferior to
>> what I would be able to do if I could see and that the kids would not
>> try to get away with anything if I could see.
>>     Sorry for the long message.  Your email just made me think of some
>> of these related issues for me, and it's hard for me to be concise
>> about them.  Have any of you ever had difficulty with family members
>> or friends thinking that what you do is either amazing when it's just
>> ordinary or that any difficulties you have are because of lack of
>> sight and that they need to be there to make sure everything turns out
>> okay?
>>
>> Dawn
>>
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>
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