[blparent] Using your other senses to catch kids lying

[Nate Trela]

Short ime lurker, first-time poster ...

I am a blind dad of two sighted kids (12 year old daughter, 8 year old
son), blind for three years and divorced about a year with 50-50
custody. My 12-year-old daughter lately has had a pattern of highly
improbable, but slightly possible, explanations for things. Or to be
more blunt, I am pretty sure she is lying about things she is doing
but haven't felt 100% sure - or certain enough to metaphorically throw
the book at her.

The problems revolve around sweets - she is almost certainly sneaking
treats, probably four suspicious events in the last six months. For
example, I found an empty  box of Girl Scout cookies in her room when
I brought something up there a few weeks ago; when I confronted her
about it, she said a lot of the girls at the performing arts school
she is going to had been eating such cookies and she thought the empty
box must have fallen into her bag because of the way they store their
bags outside of their dance studio. (I have seen the way it is set up
and she has ended up with other kids' stuff in her bag before, but the
box was slightly under her bed, like she shoved it under to hide it.)
My instincts were going off, but it was plausible. I did not notice
crumbs in her room or cookied breath. I was pretty suspicious but not
sure I could "convict."

Then tonight after my daughter came downstairs, my girlfriend let me
know she smelled candy on her breath. I thought I might have noticed
it too; it was the same kind of smell from a bag of Easter candy I had
left on my desk. I came upstairs and thought the bag was not how I
left it. I confronted my daughter, told her what I smelled and that
the bag was not how I left it on my desk, told her I knew she was
sneaking candy and that I didn't believe her when she insisted she did
not take it.

I have stressed that lying is never acceptable in my house. I usually
know her tells - and including that point where I feel pretty
confident she is not lying after heavy questioning. To date, that
threshold has been when she cried, but she cried tonight, insisting
she did not take the candy. I told her I did not believe her, that the
cover up was far worse than the crime, and sent her to bed.

So I am at a loss ... my girlfriend's instincts are impeccable and her
senses (particularly of smell) are far stronger than mine. I think it
is likely my daughter took the candy, but either she has gotten far
better at lying to me or she is telling the truth.

So what is the threshold you would use to "convict" your kid of lying.
I tried to think how this would have played out when I could see.
Because of the layout of our house, I would not have seen her go for
the candy and probably would not have noticed it on her breath. But
would I have accused her so forcefully - would I have felt as certain
when I could see that she was lying if I didn't actually see what
happen. I doubt I could have seen "candy residue" in her mouth or
anything like that.

On one hand, I know I have to trust my other senses more than I did
when I was sighted. My son, when I first lost my vision, tried
everything he could to test the boundaries and figure out what he
could get away with. (Short answer - a lot more than now.) Because my
girlfriend has been blind all her life and used alternative techniques
forever, she has much more certainty about what she sees, hears,
smells, etc.  I still second guess myself a lot and my daughter has a
reservoir of trust built up over the years. I don't think she is
trying to test what she can get away with a blind parent - it is just
that she is a tween. There will be testing of boundaries. There will
be lying, just like she probably does with her sighted mother.

So any feedback would be appreciated as I try to figure out how to
navigate this mess. Any suggestions for catching her red handed? How
do you deal with suspected lying from your kids?  How would you prove
this one to yourself?