[blparent] Using your other senses to catch kids lying

[Jo Elizabeth Pinto]

I'm going to be as diplomatic about this as I can, but let me start out by 
saying that we're all on the same team here.  We're blind parents trying to 
raise our kids the best we know how, so please don't take anything I say as 
adversarial because I'm not trying to pick on you.  I'm just trying to help 
you look at all of this in a different way you might not have thought of 
yet.  It's true that without your vision, you are in some ways at a 
disadvantage because you will have to rely on your other senses.  But you 
still have your ability to reason and think, and you still have your ability 
to appeal to your daughter's logic and her conscience.  That's what really 
matters here.  Skip the lower level "I'm the dad and you're busted" stuff.

I'm not sure I would have convicted my daughter of lying, so to speak, based 
on the possible smell of candy on her breath, and the possible candy bag out 
of position on your desk, especially when you weren't sure of either, and 
one accusation was made by a girlfriend who presumably doesn't have 
authority over the child.  That can be touchy a year after a divorce, but 
that's a whole different can of worms.  If the main thing is blocking her 
access to treats, don't leave the candy on your desk.  Don't have junk in 
the house.  She can't sneak what she can't find.

Especially if the girl was very insistant that she didn't take the candy, to 
the point of tears, I would personally have let the argument drop and chosen 
another angle.  No one wins a tug-of-war like that; it's unwinnable.  My 
daughter is seven, and she has tried her hand at stretching the truth and 
sneaking candy a few times.  Even when I've definitely smelled candy on her 
breath and heard the rustling of wrappers in the Halloween bucket, I haven't 
come out and made a direct accusation because I've wanted to see if I could 
get her to confess on her own.  I've talked to her about how we are a team 
and we need to work together, how I need to believe what she tells me and 
trust that what she says is always true.  If I can't trust that what she 
says is true, then we can't go places together because we don't work well as 
a team.  Natural consequences.  If I can't trust her to tell the truth, then 
I can't send her to play with her friends because she might make up stories 
at their houses.  One of her friends has a mom who is very strict about 
that, and getting sent home from there a few times did a lot to further the 
cause of truth-telling.  The flip side of that is, if she tells me the 
truth, we can go places together, and she can go play with her friends. 
She's gotten to where she rats herself out if she slips up and sneaks candy 
or does something else she shouldn't, even when I wouldn't know it.  We're 
building a relationship now that I hope will carry us through the difficult 
years ahead, a trusting kind of relationship where it won't matter if I 
can't literally keep an eye on her every minute.

So anyway, find ways to build trust with your daughter.  Instead of 
concentrating on catching her red-handed, focus on opportunities to 
strengthen your relationship with her.  Are there activities or hobbies you 
can do together?  Are there chores she does, and do you let her know you 
appreciate it when she does them well and on time?  Do you take an active 
interest in her school projects, dance activities, and whatever else she has 
going on?  How often do you have meaningful conversations with her?  Have 
you talked about what trust means to both of you, and listened also?  I'm 
not saying you haven't done these things, but it might be time for a 
revisit.  Sometimes as parents, and especially blind parents, I think we get 
so caught up in thinking we have to be right on the ball, nipping this or 
that in the bud, and we get so busy trying to be perfect, we forget the big 
picture.  In the end, whether your kid sneaked an Easter candy or not isn't 
going to matter that much one way or another.  What will matter is that she 
grew up to be a good, ethical, honest woman who had a strong, open 
relationship with a dad who cared about her very much.

Jo Elizabeth

Truth is tough. It will not break, like a bubble, at a touch; nay, you may 
kick it about all day like a football, and it will be round and full at 
evening.--Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.
-----Original Message----- 
From: Nate Trela via blparent
Sent: Sunday, March 22, 2015 10:49 PM
To: blparent at nfbnet.org
Subject: [blparent] Using your other senses to catch kids lying

Short ime lurker, first-time poster ...

I am a blind dad of two sighted kids (12 year old daughter, 8 year old
son), blind for three years and divorced about a year with 50-50
custody. My 12-year-old daughter lately has had a pattern of highly
improbable, but slightly possible, explanations for things. Or to be
more blunt, I am pretty sure she is lying about things she is doing
but haven't felt 100% sure - or certain enough to metaphorically throw
the book at her.

The problems revolve around sweets - she is almost certainly sneaking
treats, probably four suspicious events in the last six months. For
example, I found an empty  box of Girl Scout cookies in her room when
I brought something up there a few weeks ago; when I confronted her
about it, she said a lot of the girls at the performing arts school
she is going to had been eating such cookies and she thought the empty
box must have fallen into her bag because of the way they store their
bags outside of their dance studio. (I have seen the way it is set up
and she has ended up with other kids' stuff in her bag before, but the
box was slightly under her bed, like she shoved it under to hide it.)
My instincts were going off, but it was plausible. I did not notice
crumbs in her room or cookied breath. I was pretty suspicious but not
sure I could "convict."

Then tonight after my daughter came downstairs, my girlfriend let me
know she smelled candy on her breath. I thought I might have noticed
it too; it was the same kind of smell from a bag of Easter candy I had
left on my desk. I came upstairs and thought the bag was not how I
left it. I confronted my daughter, told her what I smelled and that
the bag was not how I left it on my desk, told her I knew she was
sneaking candy and that I didn't believe her when she insisted she did
not take it.

I have stressed that lying is never acceptable in my house. I usually
know her tells - and including that point where I feel pretty
confident she is not lying after heavy questioning. To date, that
threshold has been when she cried, but she cried tonight, insisting
she did not take the candy. I told her I did not believe her, that the
cover up was far worse than the crime, and sent her to bed.

So I am at a loss ... my girlfriend's instincts are impeccable and her
senses (particularly of smell) are far stronger than mine. I think it
is likely my daughter took the candy, but either she has gotten far
better at lying to me or she is telling the truth.

So what is the threshold you would use to "convict" your kid of lying.
I tried to think how this would have played out when I could see.
Because of the layout of our house, I would not have seen her go for
the candy and probably would not have noticed it on her breath. But
would I have accused her so forcefully - would I have felt as certain
when I could see that she was lying if I didn't actually see what
happen. I doubt I could have seen "candy residue" in her mouth or
anything like that.

On one hand, I know I have to trust my other senses more than I did
when I was sighted. My son, when I first lost my vision, tried
everything he could to test the boundaries and figure out what he
could get away with. (Short answer - a lot more than now.) Because my
girlfriend has been blind all her life and used alternative techniques
forever, she has much more certainty about what she sees, hears,
smells, etc.  I still second guess myself a lot and my daughter has a
reservoir of trust built up over the years. I don't think she is
trying to test what she can get away with a blind parent - it is just
that she is a tween. There will be testing of boundaries. There will
be lying, just like she probably does with her sighted mother.

So any feedback would be appreciated as I try to figure out how to
navigate this mess. Any suggestions for catching her red handed? How
do you deal with suspected lying from your kids?  How would you prove
this one to yourself?

_______________________________________________
blparent mailing list
blparent at nfbnet.org
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/blparent_nfbnet.org
To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for 
blparent:
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/blparent_nfbnet.org/jopinto%40msn.com