[blparent] Sighted Interference

Thu Jul 14 16:25:06 UTC 2016

Oh yes, I'm sure it happens to all of us, especially that odd day when the specially little ones aren't up to parr.  Everyone is going to have an odd day out once in a while.  When the concern should start is if little ones don't seem to be appropriately dressed, cleaned, combed or otherwise ready for the venture out.  Guys need to be reminded sometimes to do the policing, but situations can happen to everyone.

Judy

-----Original Message-----
From: BlParent [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Star Gazer via BlParent
Sent: Thursday, July 14, 2016 10:17 AM
To: 'Blind Parents Mailing List'
Cc: Star Gazer
Subject: Re: [blparent] Sighted Interference

					Yes. I don't think having sight or
lack of sight makes a lot of difference. 
I was tossing cookies pretty good Sunday morning. I told my husband that if he and the girls wanted to go to church they should go without me. I'm pregnant, hence the throwing up. Our older daughter hadn't brushed her hair or changed her clothes before they left. He didn't catch it... I did after they came home. 
Another thing to consider, we often hear with girls and increasingly with boys "How could her (or his) mom let her out of the house looking like that!". I guarantee you the moms in question are sighted.

-----Original Message-----
From: BlParent [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Judy Jones via BlParent
Sent: Thursday, July 14, 2016 9:37 AM
To: Blind Parents Mailing List <blparent at nfbnet.org>
Cc: Judy Jones <Judy.Jones at icbvi.idaho.gov>
Subject: Re: [blparent] Sighted Interference

I can tell you, though, that new sighted moms get all the unwanted advice as well that make them feel incompetent, and that's equally wrong.

Judy

-----Original Message-----
From: BlParent [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Allison via BlParent
Sent: Wednesday, July 13, 2016 11:43 PM
To: 'Blind Parents Mailing List'
Cc: Allison
Subject: Re: [blparent] Sighted Interference

Hi JoElizabeth. That sounds awful. Sounds like you handled it the best you could. How sad for you and your daughter though. 

In the six months I've been a mom, it has continuously amazed me how much more about parenting all kinds of folks think they know than I do simply because they can see and I can't. Never mind that some of them don't even have kids, or that some have almost no education, or that some had their children decades ago, and on and on. Those functioning eyeballs really do make them especially qualified to tell me what my daughter needs. Ugh. 

I don't have a solution. Wish I did. Ignoring works most days, until it doesn't of course. Hang in there all, you're doing a good job. 

Best,
Allison

-----Original Message-----
From: BlParent [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Jo Elizabeth Pinto via BlParent
Sent: Monday, July 4, 2016 2:47 PM
To: Blind Parents Mailing List <blparent at nfbnet.org>
Cc: Jo Elizabeth Pinto <jopinto at msn.com>
Subject: [blparent] Sighted Interference

Hi, all.  I regularly dealt with the issue of well-meaning sighted people interfering with my parenting when my daughter was a baby, but I thought the problem had pretty much resolved itself once she got too big to be irresistibly cute and learned to walk and talk.  Maybe I just have particularly busybody friends--I'm in a writing group where most of the members are quite a bit older than I am,  some with grandchildren my daughter's age--but sighted interference is an ongoing problem we all have to be on the lookout for .  It jumped up and bit me on the nose last week. 
This time it embarrassed my daughter, which infuriated me, whereas before she was too little to really know or care.  That makes the issue a thousand times more thorny now, which is why I decided to bring it up on the list, because the earlier disabled parents find a strategy for dealing with it, I think, the better off they and their children will be.

My daughter and I were out to lunch at Dairy Queen with some of the members of my writing group.  One of the authors, in my opinion, is quite obsessive about everything, including my blindness.  She once told me in front of everyone that there's a right way to eat a cupcake, and I wasn't eating mine correctly because you're supposed to eat it from the side and I was eating mine from the top.  Of course, she said, I wouldn't know that because I can't see.  I was slightly peeved with the self-appointed Miss Manners, but I laughed it off and said I always was a rebel.  There are a lot more examples of her saying things like that.  That particular author had been invaluable in helping me get my book published, so I didn't feel I could ruffle her feathers too much.  Anyway, toward the end of the lunch, my daughter was enjoying her cherry sundae, and the same author told her she was holding her spoon the wrong way.  She said my daughter still held her spoon in her fist, like a boy, instead of in three fingers, like a proper little girl.  My daughter got embarrassed, and I was appalled.  First of all, my daughter is eight.  So what if she holds her spoon in her fist? 
Lots of kids do.  Maybe she's a little old for that, but to go on and on about how boys shovel their ice cream in and girls eat nicely, and if she didn't learn the right way to hold a spoon, the kids at school would make fun of her, and her mom couldn't see to show her the right way.  Then two other grandparent-aged writers at the table joined in to try and "help."  My daughter tried to hold her spoon their way, but it felt funny to her, so she said she couldn't do it.  At that point, I intervened--I had been quite shocked and appalled before that, and to my shame, it took me a few moments to find my voice--I put up a menu around my daughter's place at the table and said it didn't matter how she held her spoon and she was going to eat her sundae in peace without everybody watching her.  She was too overwhelmed, though, and said she was full and didn't want her ice cream. 
Her cherry sundae, which is her favorite thing in the world, was spoiled. 
She wouldn't eat it; she gave it to me.  I didn't say anything else, but looking back, I wish I would have.  I wish I would have asked them how dare they ruin my daughter's dessert.  I wish I would have told the instigator that if she was really concerned with the way my child held her spoon, she could have spoken to me privately about it instead of making it a public issue for the whole table.  I wish I would have told them all that their help did more harm than good.

I will have to decide if I should say anything to them when we meet again this week.  I don't know if I can make them see that they made a mistake, especially the obsessive one.  My other choice is just to be very vigilant and protect my daughter from their boorishness.

Jo Elizabeth

"The Bright Side of Darkness"
is my award-winning novel,
available in Kindle, audio, and paperback formats at Amazon.com. 

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