[blparent] behavior problems with our 4 year old

[Julie J.]

I like Love and Logic.
http://www.loveandlogic.com

They have lots of free info or if you like you can purchase books, CD's or 
DVD's.  I also facilitate their classes.  I was thinking of starting another 
one soon, if that's something you're interested in let me know.

The most basic advice I can give is to stop telling her what she's going to 
do and start telling her what you're going to do.   So that might look like:
"Children who sit at the table nicely, may continue eating with the family."
If she acts a mess remove her from the situation.  You mentioned that she 
won't stay in her room and will escalate her behavior to meet whatever you 
do.  You may need to do some planning beforehand to think how you will 
respond to whatever she decides to do.

Generally speaking if a child refuses to hold a parent's hand or obey basic 
safety rules when out, I suggest returning home immediately.  This works 
better if it's a place she wanted to go.  This would be an excellent 
opportunity to set up a learning opportunity for her.  Plan to go somewhere 
she likes.  Make the rules clear before you leave: "Children who hold their 
parents hands and answer immediately when their name is called get to stay 
and play."  Then go and have an exit strategy ready to go if she chooses to 
not hold your hand or answer when called.  There will be a lot of drama, but 
it will be embedded in her brain that you are serious with what you say.  If 
she's really a strong willed child, you may need to repeat this once or 
twice, but rarely beyond that.  It is important that  you not lecture or 
give her warnings.  Let your actions do the teaching.

Keep calm and enforce the rules without letting your emotions get in the 
way.  I know that's hard, like really, really hard, but if you need a time 
out to collect yourself, do that.  Then go and address the situation with 
her.

There's so much to say here.  I don't want to overwhelm you or bombard you 
with a bunch of stuff that isn't immediately helpful.  Do know that there is 
a way out and things absolutely can get better.

Julie