[blparent] behavior problems with our 4 year old

[Jessica Bartenbach]

Hi Chris, 
I have not gone through behavior problems as severe as what you are describing, but I have read some very helpful books by Dr. Kevin Leman. One is called “Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours” and the other is “Parenthood Without Hassles (Well, Almost).” He was a guest speaker on Focus on the Family, so he is a Christian-based counselor. 

My 3-year-old went through a picky eating phase several months ago. We tried everything to get him to eat. If he was not given a choice of what to eat for a meal, he would cry and throw a tantrum. Putting him in time out was not effective, nor was keeping him at the table until he ate his food. Dr. Leman made some suggestions in his book which I decided to implement, and after a few days we saw an improvement. 

What I did is I gave a warning time before dinner so he could have a transition. Then I called him to the table and put food in front of him. If he started to cry, I calmly picked him up and carried him to his room. I told him he could come out when he was ready to eat. The point Dr. Leman made was that he has a right to his feelings, but he does not have a right to make the rest of the family suffer while he works those feelings out. By doing this, I let him know that he was still loved and respected, but that I found his behavior unacceptable and would not tolerate it at the table. If he came out of his room and was still crying or refusing to eat, I carried him back to his room and repeated that he could come out when he was ready to eat. Usually I had to only do this a couple of times before he got lonely and decided it was more fun to be with the family. 

He decided once or twice that he did not want to eat what was served, and I allowed him to make this decision, but I let him know there would be no snacks until he finished his dinner. This meant one time he had his dinner for breakfast the next day. If he asked for food, I would offer him his dinner. In this way I did not feel like I was depriving him of food. Rather he was depriving himself of food because he was choosing not to eat. 

I’m happy to say we don’t have an eating problem with him anymore. Maybe once every couple of months I will have to pick him up and take him to his room to calm down, but he comes out on his own within a minute or two and decides to eat at that time. 

I hope this helps. 

Jessica