[Faith-talk] Daily Thought for Tuesday, February 18, 2014

[Paul]

Hello to all of you, and a special "hello" to the two people whom I am adding to my individual distribution list or IDL.  I hope that you enjoy this particular Daily Thought message.  If any of you two wish to continue receiving these messages, just let me know and I'll add you to receive these on a daily basis.  On the other hand, if you find that you are swamped with messages and just can't take any more, I understand.

The topic for today's message under consideration is the Christian and singleness.  If I'm counting correctly, there are at least 18 people who are getting these messages who are single for one of several reasons:  They never married or their spouse has gone home to be with his/her Lord.  Also there is the question of divorce, something that can be very painful and traumatic, especially if there are children involved.

The article for today is entitled "Positively Single" by Lori Lindsey and is rendered as follows:

You've heard it all before.  There you are, lonely and hurting, and all they can tell you is, "I don't know what's the matter with those guys.  They just don't know what they're missing!" Others will ask, "When are you going to settle down? A man your age needs the stability of a wife and kids."

Married friends may point out that marriage isn't all that glamorous and that it creates as many problems as it solves.  They remind you that, as a single person, you have freedoms they no longer have, and they urge you to take advantage of those freedoms while you can.

In your more rational moments, you know they are right.  But then you see them exchanging those loving looks as if to say, "But you'll never know what you're missing," and all of your rationalizations fly out the window.  Face it, you feel lonely and rejected.  Who wouldn't? Why has God left you without a mate in a world where "you're nobody till somebody loves you?"

Unfortunately, there are no magic formulas which, when applied, will cause God to favor us with marriage.  We have all had thoughts such as:  as soon as I am content with being single, when I put God first, if I develop this character trait, or break that bad habit, then God will bring someone into my life.  So we keep looking for that button to push, the key to open the door to marriage and happiness.

We aren't going to find it.

Singleness is not the cause of our problems.  How easy it is to make marital status the scapegoat for the difficulties in life.  By shifting the blame to circumstances beyond our control, we refuse to take responsibility for our own lives.  If we are unhappy, it is not because we are single; it is because our attitudes toward ourselves, others and God are wrong.  We can make the choice to be content.  It is within reach if we will only make the effort to learn how.

Happiness seems so elusive because we expect it to come to us.  No one ever told us we had to find it for ourselves.  The road to contentment is not a smooth one.  Easier paths beckon us to follow them.  But they only lead in the wrong direction.  Keeping our feet on the right path is not an easy task.

Experience proves that self-pity and wishful thinking will not make anyone content.  But equally harmful is the Polyanna approach of seeing only the good and ignoring the bad.  Life involves good and bad, happiness and sorrow, contentment and frustration.

Singleness, like any aspect of life, has its benefits as well as its shortcomings.  A mature attitude requires us to focus on the positive, to recognize the negatives, and then move on with life.  We must discipline our minds to think realistically about the world and our circumstances.  The apostle Paul acquired this perspective to the point where he could say, "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances" (Philippians 4:11).

Right thinking about singleness begins with right thinking about marriage.  Our longing for a mate is not a sin.  It is a natural, God-given desire.  Denying the need or feeling guilty about the yearnings will only increase the frustrations.  The loneliness that we experience does not necessarily mean that we are not trusting God to meet our needs.  Things go wrong when we dwell on the loneliness or view marriage as the only thing that can be fulfilling.  Marriage is a good thing, but it is not everything.

The tendency is to go to the extreme of either becoming a man hunter (or woman chaser) or running from marriage and commitment.  The emotionally healthy single person will not be obsessed with finding a partner, but neither will he _set his mind against the possibility of marriage.  Being content with singleness while approving of marriage is a tension that must be held if we are to view life realistically.

Another trap to avoid is the attitude that "real life" begins once you are married.  If singleness is viewed as a temporary stopping place on the way to something better, we will exist in a purposeless limbo.  Years of misspent living will slip by.  An entire lifetime may be wasted.  Married or single, we must all learn to live dynamically where we are now.

The single life should not be one of "making the best of a bad situation." My own experience followed this pattern.  I viewed my lack of a mate as something that God had denied me, presumably for a noble purpose, but nevertheless a "cross to bear." How much fuller my life became when I began to see my singleness as a good circumstance resulting from obedience and devotion to God.  Viewing the single state as a positive condition rather than an omission on God's part should free us from self-pity and bitterness.

But our selfish natures prefer to focus on what is missing from our lives rather than on the challenges and opportunities we do have.  We are resistant to this idea because it is work.  Self-pity requires less mental energy than mature thinking, and it is immediately more gratifying.  But long-term satisfaction can be attained only by looking beyond the difficulties in life so that we can live in a positive and active manner.

When we feel sorry for ourselves, we are focusing on our own problems instead of the needs of others around us.  It is particularly easy for single people to concentrate exclusively on themselves.  The result is isolation from the very people we need the most.  Involvement in the lives of other people reaps benefits in at least two areas.  First, we will become less self-centered.  When we are busy loving and serving others, there is little time left for sulking.  Our actions, thoughts and prayers become other directed rather than wrapped up in our own selfish desires.  The second benefit is that it will help diminish the loneliness.  There is a void in our lives, and we need relationships to fill it.

Broadening our friendships to include married couples and families is essential.  When singles become segregated from the rest of the church body, an imbalance occurs which only accentuates the frustrations.  The unique contribution of each believer is essential to the functioning of the body of Christ.  Healthy Christians will have relationships with a variety of people--male and female, young and old, married and single.

Filling the hours with relationships and activities may ease the loneliness, but without a vital spiritual life, there will always be frustration.  The bottom line in life is our relationship with God.  Nobody else can make us happy or meet all our needs.  Our deepest longings can never be satisfied by marriage.  All of us, whether married or single, must come to grips with this basic fact:  We stand alone before God and are individually accountable to Him.  Obedience to God is the only route to peace and happiness.  There are no shortcuts.  Peter speaks of this general principle of disciplined growth (II Peter 3:17-18).

Earlier, I noted how easy it is to make singleness a scapegoat.  This is particularly true when it comes to our spiritual lives.  Perhaps a single person blames God for his unhappiness.  He reasons, "After all, He made me single.  He doesn't want me to be happy." God becomes the bad guy and the single person never enjoys the intimate relationship with Him that he needs so much.  He runs from the only solution to his emptiness.

For many, accepting spiritual responsibility may be one of the things to be put off until marriage.  You may be thinking, "First things first.  After I'm married, then I can get serious about my Christian life." Like other aspects of living, putting off spiritual growth adds to our frustrations rather than solves them.  On the other hand is the danger of seeking spiritual growth because we think it will lead to marriage.

Yes, there is a void in your life.  But that void is not so significant as to rule out happiness.  The choice is yours to make.  There is no denying that it is hard work.  The mental discipline is not easy, but it is the only ticket out of the land of self-pity.

It's up to you.

I hope that at least the singles who receive these messages are still with us.  Some comments to make are in order.

First, way back in 2006 a sighted married Christian gentleman who goes by the name of Apple John suggested that I start a telephone Christian singles conference which the Lord led me to do.  It was run from April 2007 to sometime in 2009, when, because of lack of interest, it was closed down.  Secondly, if I were still a working person and happily married, not only would you not be reading these daily thought messages, but most probably I wouldn't even have a computer.  So, there are two personal benefits here.

Thanks to Ms. Lindsey for her article.

And now if you are still with us, for those who haven't guessed, the answer to Sunday's Bible game is Philippians 4.

And now may the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob just keep us safe, individually and collectively, in these last days in which we live.  Lord willing, tomorrow there will be another Daily Thought message for you.  Your Christian friend and brother, Paul