[humanser] NEW THOUGHT PROVOKER #145- Looking Blind

[Carmella D Broome]

To Robert, Jonathan, and others,

Jonathan, I think both of these individuals were very rude. Your roommate's 
friend deserved to be told so on the spot for not speaking to you directly 
and for just blurting out what he thought without any tact or couth.  He 
deserved an in kind response, in my opinion, due to his attitude.  The 
professor was rude for  asking that people with disabilities identify 
themselves and  for publicly asking what their disability was. Saying you 
would talk with him after class makes sense, and I hope you told him  asking 
in that way was really not appropriate at all.  He could very  easily have 
asked that students needing any special accomodations hang around after 
class a minute to speak with him or that they  email him  privately, should 
there be any such students in the class.  Of course, getting offended and 
angry every time someone says something  ignorant  or inappropriate to us is 
going to make for a lot of constantly hacked off blind people.  I talk about 
this in my book and also talk about how my own lack of assertiveness 
complicated the situation.

I know that my eyes look different and that probably bothers me more than 
blindness itself. Our culture puts such  romantic emphasis on  people's 
eyes, gazing into the other person's eyes, being captivated by their eyes, 
and so on and so on. Read any romance novel or listen to the radio for 20 
minutes tuned in to a sappy soft rock station and you'll  hear a reference 
to eyes in some way. Its enough to give someone a complex, and I've had one 
about it for years.  I have felt, at times, as though I  can never be as 
attractive as other women, no matter  how much I like many of my other 
features, because my eyes look different and because I can't make eye 
contact. I mostly just choose not to think about this much.  I can't change 
it and  I'd rather focus on  things I can do something about in regards to 
my appearance.
I do my best to  be well groomed and attractive so that other things about 
me don't add to the sense of different that goes with my eyes looking 
different. I think looking  like others in other areas minimizes the eye 
thing.

I opt not to wear dark glasses to disguise my eyes. I do wear them outdoors 
because sunlight is painful, but I feel that  wearing them indoors would 
just be more disorienting to me. I also  think my clients would feel I was 
"hiding" from them in some way or that I would feel that I  was covering up 
part of myself out of shame.   I'd rather have people deal with reality up 
front than  to wonder and I don't need to feel embarrassed. My eyes look 
different.  That doesn't mean they look scary or disgusting.

I think to wear shades or not is an individual choice, of course. Each 
person  should do what makes them comfortable, but  I also don't think we 
need to bend over backwards for other people's comfort. What I mean is, if 
someone else thinks my eyes look different, I expect them to deal with 
themselves and use their manners and not be a jerk about it. The same is 
true with the job interview issue or of a friend of mine who  has to take 
insulin with her  places.  There are all kinds of people in this world who 
look different, act different, and have different needs.   I expect adults 
to act like adults whether they are confronted with something different or 
something that surprises them or not.  Respectful questions are fine, but 
being treated like a circus exhibit is not, no matter the circumstance.

I use a guide dog so there's no doubt I'm blind.  I've done that go around 
without dog or cane thing before in high school and early college.  It was 
exhausting for me and confusing for others, I'm sure. I  don't have enough 
vision to do that now, except for in very familiar surroundings, such as 
home or work, and  hope that I wouldn't even if I could.  Again, blindness 
is a part of who I am.  I don't have to be ashamed of it. I just have to 
live with it and show that it doesn't have to be a big thing.  I think I'm 
pretty good at that.

In the past, I have thought about taking a picture with sunglasses on  while 
outdoors for   profiles on dating  sites. I was on eharmony for a while and 
I feel sure  a lot of men didn't talk to me  because they could see from my 
picture that I'm blind. Sad to say, but I'd like to   conduct a little 
experiment to see what would happen if I  did another profile and posted a 
picture where  you can't tell I'm blind from my picture. I don't say 
anything about it on my profile page. I do say that  I've had some life 
experiences that have given me a different perspective. I did not just mean 
blindness when I said that, though.  There have been other things, as well. 
Just with  a picture, people don't get the chance to immediately start 
interacting with me the way they do normally, so I think that makes 
blindness more of an issue.  Its the same philosophy that applies  to 
showing up for a job interview without  letting people know. I'd rather have 
the chance to be seen as a whole person first.

Let me be clear, I wouldn't  show up for a date without someone knowing. 
This is because I like to take my time to get to know a person  via email 
and then phone, etc, before meeting in person and that would  mean   there 
was already an ongoing  interaction so that I would actually feel deceptive. 
Plus, I don't want to spend too much time on someone if they  just aren't 
going to be able to handle it.  With some time for rapport building, though, 
I would hope someone would be more willing to at least meet me and  see how 
I do things. I wonder what  other blind people who's eyes do look normal do 
in such situations. In a picture, they can choose whether to have other 
blindness props with them.

Just some thoughts as provoked by the thought provoker and Jonathan's 
response.

Carmella
Carmella Broome, EdS LPC LMFT/I
Columbia SC