[humanser] NEW THOUGHT PROVOKER #145- Looking Blind

Tue May 5 21:13:22 UTC 2009

Hi carmilla I read your book. I really enjoyed the book. 

-----Original Message-----
From: humanser-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:humanser-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of Carmella D Broome
Sent: Tuesday, May 05, 2009 11:34 AM
To: Human Services Mailing List
Subject: Re: [humanser] NEW THOUGHT PROVOKER #145- Looking Blind

To Robert, Jonathan, and others,

Jonathan, I think both of these individuals were very rude. Your roommate's
friend deserved to be told so on the spot for not speaking to you directly
and for just blurting out what he thought without any tact or couth.  He
deserved an in kind response, in my opinion, due to his attitude.  The
professor was rude for  asking that people with disabilities identify
themselves and  for publicly asking what their disability was. Saying you
would talk with him after class makes sense, and I hope you told him  asking
in that way was really not appropriate at all.  He could very  easily have
asked that students needing any special accomodations hang around after
class a minute to speak with him or that they  email him  privately, should
there be any such students in the class.  Of course, getting offended and
angry every time someone says something  ignorant  or inappropriate to us is
going to make for a lot of constantly hacked off blind people.  I talk about
this in my book and also talk about how my own lack of assertiveness
complicated the situation.

I know that my eyes look different and that probably bothers me more than
blindness itself. Our culture puts such  romantic emphasis on  people's
eyes, gazing into the other person's eyes, being captivated by their eyes,
and so on and so on. Read any romance novel or listen to the radio for 20
minutes tuned in to a sappy soft rock station and you'll  hear a reference
to eyes in some way. Its enough to give someone a complex, and I've had one
about it for years.  I have felt, at times, as though I  can never be as
attractive as other women, no matter  how much I like many of my other
features, because my eyes look different and because I can't make eye
contact. I mostly just choose not to think about this much.  I can't change
it and  I'd rather focus on  things I can do something about in regards to
my appearance.
I do my best to  be well groomed and attractive so that other things about
me don't add to the sense of different that goes with my eyes looking
different. I think looking  like others in other areas minimizes the eye
thing.

I opt not to wear dark glasses to disguise my eyes. I do wear them outdoors
because sunlight is painful, but I feel that  wearing them indoors would
just be more disorienting to me. I also  think my clients would feel I was
"hiding" from them in some way or that I would feel that I  was covering up 
part of myself out of shame.   I'd rather have people deal with reality up 
front than  to wonder and I don't need to feel embarrassed. My eyes look
different.  That doesn't mean they look scary or disgusting.

I think to wear shades or not is an individual choice, of course. Each
person  should do what makes them comfortable, but  I also don't think we
need to bend over backwards for other people's comfort. What I mean is, if
someone else thinks my eyes look different, I expect them to deal with
themselves and use their manners and not be a jerk about it. The same is
true with the job interview issue or of a friend of mine who  has to take
insulin with her  places.  There are all kinds of people in this world who 
look different, act different, and have different needs.   I expect adults 
to act like adults whether they are confronted with something different or
something that surprises them or not.  Respectful questions are fine, but
being treated like a circus exhibit is not, no matter the circumstance.

I use a guide dog so there's no doubt I'm blind.  I've done that go around
without dog or cane thing before in high school and early college.  It was
exhausting for me and confusing for others, I'm sure. I  don't have enough
vision to do that now, except for in very familiar surroundings, such as
home or work, and  hope that I wouldn't even if I could.  Again, blindness
is a part of who I am.  I don't have to be ashamed of it. I just have to
live with it and show that it doesn't have to be a big thing.  I think I'm
pretty good at that.

In the past, I have thought about taking a picture with sunglasses on  while

outdoors for   profiles on dating  sites. I was on eharmony for a while and 
I feel sure  a lot of men didn't talk to me  because they could see from my 
picture that I'm blind. Sad to say, but I'd like to   conduct a little 
experiment to see what would happen if I  did another profile and posted a
picture where  you can't tell I'm blind from my picture. I don't say
anything about it on my profile page. I do say that  I've had some life
experiences that have given me a different perspective. I did not just mean
blindness when I said that, though.  There have been other things, as well. 
Just with  a picture, people don't get the chance to immediately start
interacting with me the way they do normally, so I think that makes
blindness more of an issue.  Its the same philosophy that applies  to
showing up for a job interview without  letting people know. I'd rather have
the chance to be seen as a whole person first.

Let me be clear, I wouldn't  show up for a date without someone knowing. 
This is because I like to take my time to get to know a person  via email 
and then phone, etc, before meeting in person and that would  mean   there 
was already an ongoing  interaction so that I would actually feel deceptive.

Plus, I don't want to spend too much time on someone if they  just aren't
going to be able to handle it.  With some time for rapport building, though,
I would hope someone would be more willing to at least meet me and  see how
I do things. I wonder what  other blind people who's eyes do look normal do
in such situations. In a picture, they can choose whether to have other
blindness props with them.

Just some thoughts as provoked by the thought provoker and Jonathan's
response.

Carmella
Carmella Broome, EdS LPC LMFT/I
Columbia SC 

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