[humanser] How to Read Body Language to Reveal the Underlying Truth in Almost Any Situation

[Mary Ann Robinson]

I read the following rather lengthy article on another list and thought it was worth sharing.

MaryAnn Robinson
LMSW, ACSW, CAADC

How to Read Body Language to Reveal the Underlying Truth in Almost Any Situation
By Adam Dachis

You've likely heard that body language accounts for up to 55% of how we communicate,
but reading non-verbal cues isn't just about broad strokes. The same gesture can
indicate a number of different things depending on context. In this post, we're going
to take a look at three common situations in which non-verbal cues are especially
important-detecting lies, going on a date, and interviewing for a job-then explain
how to interpret body language more accurately so that you can read between the lines
when a person's words aren't necessarily conveying the way that they honestly feel.
We lie a lot. When having a conversation with a stranger,
chances are we'll lie in the first ten minutes
. Sometimes we'll lie more than once in that same period of time. These may not always
be big lies, but we still do it. We all willingly partake in deception from time
to time because it helps us avoid conflict, but often we're better off knowing the
truth. While words can be deceptive, the human body is a terrible liar. This is where
reading body language and using your own effectively, can be extremely useful when
communicating with others.
First, the basics.
Body Language Basics
When you're reading body language, your primary goal is to determine whether or not
a person is comfortable in their current situation. Once you do this, it's a process
of using context and other cues-which we'll get into later-to figure out the specifics.
There are plenty of ways a person may indicate their comfort level, but here are
a few of the most common.
How to Read Body Language to Reveal the Underlying Truth in Almost Any Situation
Positive body language:
Moving or leaning closer to you
Relaxed, uncrossed limbs
Long periods of eye contact
Looking down and away out of shyness
Genuine smiles
How to Read Body Language to Reveal the Underlying Truth in Almost Any Situation
Negative body language:
Moving or leaning away from you
Crossed arms or legs
Looking away to the side
Feet pointed away from you, or towards and exit
Rubbing/scratching their nose, eyes, or the back of their neck
A single cue can mean a myriad of things. For example, crossed arms falls under the
category of negative body language and can suggest that a person is physically cold,
closed off, or frustrated. It can even indicate that they've simply had too much
to eat. It's necessary to pay attention to multiple behavioral cues as a single one
can be misleading. While it will help to indicate comfort level, to really understand
why you need to look deeper. This means paying attention to other cues as well as
their context. As we get into the specific situations, we'll look at how these cues
work together to help uncover the truth in a given moment.
Photo by
StockLite
 (Shutterstock)
Spot a Liar
One of the biggest advantages of learning to read body language well is being able
to judge when someone is lying with a fair amount of accuracy. Your intuition is
never going to be 100% accurate, but with a little practice you can become more aware
of when you're being fed a load of crap. It's
very important
 to recognize what kind of lies you are actually detecting. The techniques we're
going to discuss in this section correspond to big lies-the lies people tell when
they are uncomfortable or afraid of the truth. These skills will get you almost nowhere
in detecting white lies, small lies of omission, and what people do most often: exaggerate.
Those types of deception are very hard to detect, and it's important to remember
that, regardless of the type of untruth, you'll never know for certain. You can,
however, pick up on common cues so you know when to hold a healthy suspicion about
what a person is saying.
Pamela Meyer, author of
Liespotting
, conducted significant research on the ways we lie to figure out the common patterns
in our body language. She found that liars often exhibit much of the behavior you'd
find in any other uncomfortable person, but with a few very specific additional traits.
How to Read Body Language to Reveal the Underlying Truth in Almost Any Situation
 Fake Smiles
People are bad at
offering a genuine smile
 when they're lying. In fact, a genuine smile (often referred to as a
Duchenne smile
), is often said to be impossible to fake. This is why many of us end up with awkward
family photos. We may think we look like we're smiling, but to most anyone it looks
like we're faking it. This is because your smile is in your eyes, or, more specifically,
the wrinkles around them. You display a few crows feet when you smile genuinely because
your smile pushes up your cheeks which bunches up the skin near your eyes. It's fairly
hard to fake this. You need to feel some sort of genuine happy emotion at the time
to do it, and when you're uncomfortable this is next to impossible. This is why a
non-genuine smile can be a helpful indicator of a lie in progress.
Photo by
KQED
How to Read Body Language to Reveal the Underlying Truth in Almost Any Situation
Stiff Upper Body and Too Much Eye Contact
Liars like to overcompensate when they're lying, and so they'll often try to remain
still and offer eye contact. This will often result in so much eye contact it's often
a little unsettling, and their body will become stiff because they're attempting
not to fidget. Normally, people move and do not hold eye contact for extended periods
of time. When uncomfortable, however, people
will
 often rub their neck or eyes and look away to the side. Rather than exhibit the
positive body language that would imply comfort, liars tend to opt for doing very
little. This, in and of itself, is an indicator. Look for tense shoulders and an
unusually high amount of eye contact and you'll be more likely to spot a liar.
Photo by
Lindsay Phillips
How to Read Body Language to Reveal the Underlying Truth in Almost Any Situation
Context and Paired Behaviors
In addition to all these non-verbal cues, you'll need to pay attention to the context.
Liars will often offer more details in their stories, suggest punishments for the
"real culprit" if they're being accused of something, and answer you questions with
a question to give them time to fabricate an answer rather than provide you with
the truth. These behaviors, when paired with standard negative body language and
the previously mentioned cues that liars exhibit, give you the right mix of untrustworthy
behavior. Separately they may not mean much, but together they point to dishonesty.
It's important to remember, however, that some people are just awkward and exhibit
this kind of behavior with regularity. You should take the way a person normally
acts into consideration as well. Watch their mannerisms and eye movements when you
know they're telling the truth and compare that to the times when you think they're
lying. When you see consistent change when certain statements are made, you'll know
how this specific person acts when they're thinking of what to say rather than recalling
information. Again, this or anything else previously mentioned isn't sufficient in
detecting lies. You have to look for multiple cues or what you'll just discover that
you're fooling yourself into believing you know the difference between fact and fiction.
Photo by
Bifaloo
For more on lie detection,
watch Pamela Meyer's TED talk
 and check out her book
Liespotting
.
How to Read Body Language to Reveal the Underlying Truth in Almost Any Situation
Read People on a Date
When you're out on a first date, body language can be an incredibly helpful tool.
If you're not paying attention to the non-verbal cues your date is exhibiting, you
can often go on talking about something that makes them uncomfortable or they find
unpleasant. While you don't want to go into a date hiding who you are, you do want
to put your best foot forward so, in the event you are a decent match, you can bring
up the riskier topics a bit later once your date already likes you. This, of course,
means paying close attention to your date's behavior which can be difficult when
you're supposed to be speaking charismatically and listening to what they're saying.
With a little practice, however, you'll get the hang of watching for the right signals
and won't have to spend much time thinking about them.
How to Read Body Language to Reveal the Underlying Truth in Almost Any Situation
You're not looking for anything complicated on a date-just the general indications
of comfort and discomfort we outlined earlier. This means you're simply paying attention
to how guarded your date is with their body. Initially, most people will be fairly
guarded. They'll cross their arms, keep a reasonable amount of distance, and keep
their palms facing themselves. This is okay and fairly common on a first date, and
your goal is to change that body language into something more open and welcoming.
You'll do this naturally when you connect with them, but you can encourage open body
language by providing it yourself. We tend to mimic the behavior of others to some
extent, so if you're warm and comfortable it will help your date change his or her
behavior to match. This means keeping your arms uncrossed and open,
offering a genuine smile
 whenever feasible and appropriate, avoiding distance from your date, and even showing
your palms. All of these things imply that you're comfortable and will help make
your date more comfortable as well.
You also want to be careful not to psych yourself out just because you picked up
on some negative body language. Levels of comfort fluctuate frequently on dates because
it's often a little nerve-wracking for most people in the first place. Don't worry
about making a few mistakes. As a piano instructor would tell you for a recital,
if you play a wrong note you should just keep going. Watch the non-verbal cues to
see how you're doing and focus on anything that provides positive body language.
If you receive extended moments of negative body language, move on to another topic.
Of course, sometimes you're just not going to click and the date is going to be an
awkward evening full of negative non-verbal cues. If this happens, the same piano-playing
principal applies: don't get hung up on a problem-just move on.
Photo by
Felix Mizioznikov
 (Shutterstock)
How to Read Body Language to Reveal the Underlying Truth in Almost Any Situation
Communicate Effectively in a Job Interview
Job interviews are a lot like first dates in the sense that you're trying to convince
another person, whom you don't know, to like you. The key difference is that on a
date you're both meeting on equal ground. When you go into a job interview, however,
the interviewer has most of the power and you have, essentially, none at all. This
creates an environment where you're going to likely be considerably more uncomfortable
than the interviewer. You'll display negative body language as a result, and that's
not good. When interviewing for a job, you want to override any non-verbal communication
that makes you seem closed off.
A charismatic beginning can make all the difference, as
first impressions are hugely important in hiring decisions
. A smile, pleasant handshake, warm greeting, and the previously mentioned positive
body language will set the stage for a comfortable interview. You don't know what
sort of (potentially negative) expectations your interviewer is bringing to the table,
so it's never a bad thing to override them by demonstrating you're a pleasant and
charismatic individual.
Offering up the previously discussed positive body language is easier said than done
when you're uncomfortable, so the best thing you can do to override that discomfort
is to feel prepared. (
A lack of preparation is the main reason you suck in an interview
, after all.) Even if you begin to feel unprepared later on, walking into the room
with confidence will at least help you make that important first impression. To prepare,
research the company
. Remember
a few useful "sound bites"
 to use and fall back on if you're struggling.
Know what differentiates you
 and makes you special and remind yourself right before you walk into the room. Preparation
breeds confidence, and it'll be easier to display positive body language when you're
feeling good about yourself.
How to Read Body Language to Reveal the Underlying Truth in Almost Any Situation
While natural comfort is going to be your most valuable tool, there are a few tricks
that can help you out. Assuming American cultural standards, eye contact is more
important in a job interview than most other situations. If you have trouble meeting
someone's eyes, just look at their mouth. You'll also want to avoid blocking your
own eyes in any way, as
doing so can convey discomfort
 (among other negative feelings). Just like on a date, leaning slightly forward is
a positive cue for your interviewer. It also helps to appear to be a good listener,
as you'll be talking most of the time. When you ask your own questions, or your interviewer
has something to tell you, eye contact is especially important. You can also convey
that you're in a "listening mode" by occasionally placing part of your hand over
your mouth. This helps indicate to others that you're not going to talk and therefore
paying attention.
All of this said, every interviewer is going to understand that you'll be a little
nervous. It's natural and no reasonable person should or would expect anybody to
walk in with no tension whatsoever. If you're a little bit tense, don't worry about
it. That much is expected. In fact, too much comfort might convey to some that you're
overconfident and not taking the interview seriously. In the end, your fate rests
in the hands of another human being so there's only so much you can do. They may
not like your shoes or prefer to hire someone younger or older. You never know what
you're going to run into, but you can at least try to tip the scales in your favor
with the help of some positive body language.
Photo by
Tom Wang
and
Gelpi
 (Shutterstock)
Remember: Body Language Is Only Part of the Picture
A better understanding of human body language can be useful in your own communication
and in understanding others. It can also be a lot of fun to feel like you know what
other people are thinking, when they're lying to you, and how comfortable they are
in a given situation. That said, you're not a psychic. You can't read minds and the
non-verbal cues you interpret are never going to tell you exactly what someone is
feeling or thinking with spot-on accuracy. These techniques will help you find clues
that can help you understand other people. Use them to communicate better and gain
a better awareness of those around you. Don't pretend they're magic. All you're doing
is paying closer attention to your natural, human intution.
Special thanks to Samantha McCullough, William J. Tebbenhoff II, and Tyrone Mann
for their contributions. This article also references information from the work of
Pamela Meyer
 and
Joe Navarro
. To learn more about body language and other non-verbal communication, check out
their books and articles. Title image remixed from photos by Yuri Arcurs [
1
 /
2
] (Shutterstock) and
Guiseppe_R
 (Shutterstock)
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