[Md-sligo] FW: [stylist] For your amusement: an article from the Onion "Beware, the Blind are Faking"

Tue Mar 19 17:28:31 UTC 2013

What a hoot.

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Donna Hill
Sent: Monday, March 18, 2013 4:55 PM
To: 'Writer's Division Mailing List'
Subject: [stylist] For your amusement: an article from the Onion "Beware, the Blind are Faking"

 <http://www.theonion.com/articles/blind-people-are-faking-it,11038/> Hi Folks, Here's an article from the satirical news source the Onion, which I found on another list. The link is followed by the text of the article and then my comments, which I had to send to their Chicago office, because there didn't appear to be a comments option. Warning, if you don't enjoy satire, you're not going to like this one at all. *grin*

Article: Beware, the Blind are Faking"
http://www.theonion.com/articles/blind-people-are-faking-it,11038/
Block quote

Citizens, hear us well. Our great nation is being undermined by a secret society of individuals who carry deadly white truncheons and lead vicious attack animals in public on a daily basis. These mysterious folk also have a secret means of communication, while shocking new evidence seems to indicate that they may even possess senses superior to those of other humans. We're speaking, of course, of the legions of the so-called blind.

Let's assume for a minute that we swallow this "blindness" hoax in the first place. If these people are somehow bereft of the gift of sight, how does that explain the works of Stevie Wonder, Ray Charles and Ronnie Milsap? How could such men possibly play music if they were blind? What do they take us for, ignorant saps?

The first issue I must point out is their very public display of armed might. Every individual laying claim to sightlessness carries a cudgel on their person at all times. These "canes," as they call them, are supposed to help them feel their way along. They are painted white, almost as if the bearer wished to remind passersby of its presence, and the weapon's tip is painted a chillingly suggestive red. Those who have studied the mysterious fighting arts of the Orient know that such sticks may be wielded with deadly force by those with skill. In a surprise attack, strategically placed squads of the "blind"

could quickly overwhelm our police forces.

Their fearsome nature encompasses more than just personal weaponry. Many of the alleged blind also own large, vicious attack dogs for the supposed purpose of guidance along city streets. With one word from their scheming masters, these slavering "guide" dogs could become guided missiles!

Indeed, most of these fearsome beasts are German shepherds, a species of killer wolf invented by twisted, Fascist dog breeders, which has somehow fallen into this most suspect faction of the disabled.

The most frightening aspect of this diabolical conspiracy by far is their ability to communicate with one another unbeknownst to upstanding citizens. 

Their secret code consists of a series of raised dots cunningly arranged into arcane shapes. Known as "Braille," this demonic alphabet has begun popping up in places that were doubtlessly chosen for their mundane, everyday outward

appearance: elevators, building directories, automated teller machines and the like.

This system seems rational enough, and does not attract undue attention. But think! If the messages on the signs changed suddenly, how would we know? 

Next year, next month, next week, maybe even tomorrow, the signs will change from "second floor" to "STRIKE NOW! STRIKE HARD!" and our nation will be thrown into the chaos of revolution.

At this juncture, there is no hard evidence that the blind are planning such a revolution. We hope to have such evidence very soon. But can one group possess such an overwhelming element of surprise and fail to use it to seize power? 

And can their goals be anything but evil?

No, I say! I maintain that true blindness lies in failing to see the threat where it must obviously lie, and we must be vigilantly wary of the blind menace

Block quote end

Donna's response
Block quote
To the Staff of the Onion, the greatest news source in the world.

I am distraught! My favorite news source has stabbed me in the heart and left me for dead! I demand to know how you found out! Who squealed and ratted out their fellow conspirators? As a card-carrying member of the underground blind revolution, I beg you to at least tell us how. We were sure no one would ever suspect that blindness itself was impossible, and now you've gone and splashed it all over the place. Was it the blind guy in Wisconsin who graduated from medical school? Could it have been the blind NYC ADA who is deputy chief of the rackets division? No wait, I bet it was one of those fake blind NASA engineers who lost their jobs when the shuttle program ended. And, that little trick at Daytona a couple years ago where they had a "blind" guy driving a car all by himself! I kept telling them, "you can't do that kind of stuff, you'll get us all caught!"

Or, was it the dogs? We were concerned that the German shepherds might give it away with their unapologetic, protective demeanor; that's why we started using Labrador and Golden Retrievers. It was quite a trick implanting the attack gene in such a wuss of a breed, but we had done it. Now, all of that work is for naught.

Despite the devastation, I issue this fair warning, we will be back. We may not be able to disguise ourselves as blind any longer -- thanks to your ill-considered haste to be the first one on the block to break the story -- but we will recover. If there's one thing we've learned in playing our roles as supposedly sightless, it is that human ingenuity can overcome any obstacle -- even one placed in our paths by those we considered kindred spirits, if not co-conspirators.

I hope you can live with yourselves.
Outed by the Onion in Auburn Center
Block quote end
Cheers,
Donna

-- The Heart of Applebutter Hill, a novel on a mission:
DonnaWHill.com

Read Donna's articles on Suite 101:
http://suite101 <http://suite101.com/donna-w-hill> .com/donna-w-hill

Connect with Donna on
Twitter:
www.twitter.com/dewhill
LinkedIn:
www.linkedin.com/in/dwh99
FaceBook:
www.facebook.com/donna.w.hill

Hear clips from "The Last Straw" at:
cdbaby.com/cd/donnahill

Apple I-Tunes
phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewAlbum?playListId=259244374

_______________________________________________
Writers Division web site
http://www.writers-division.net/
stylist mailing list
stylist at nfbnet.org
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/stylist_nfbnet.org
To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for stylist:
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/stylist_nfbnet.org/shawn.d.jacobson%40hud.gov