[nabs-l] Social Etiquette

Sun Nov 2 21:17:09 UTC 2008

First of all, let me thank those who replied to my little novel about my life--these things are complicated to figure out--and it won' happen overnight.  Yes, to the person who asked if there is a TESOL program at West Virginia, there is, and I have considered just switching to that rather than having my profs resubmit letters of recommendation all over again, a person statement from me, etc.

As for social etiquette, it is, as others have said, dependent upon the situation (including the age and sex of the people involved, formality/informality of the setting, etc).  A quick point to make is that these are facotrs regardless of vision.  Two adults interacting would behave differently than a child meeting an adult.  A student talking with his professor would behave differently in this situation than he would when hanging out with friends, perhaps slightly adapting his speech/vocabulary/tone, etc.  The trick to "fitting in," as a blind person, comes down to observation and integration.  Intellectual awareness of social norms is important; I am reminded of what my mother always told me--you know more than you think you do.  Come to think of it I have heard this same thing from teachers in school when I was nervous about a test...and it is true.  Anxiety causes us to block out everything except the fear, in a lot of cases.  Also,
 something I've found helpful to remember, is that, especially in the case of strangers who you are only going to see once, chances are they are far mroe focused on their life to pay a whole lot of attention to what you're doing/saying/how you're acting, and they won't remember it 10 or 20 minutes later.  And do remember this quote... The people who matter don't mind and the people who mind don't matter.  That isn't carte blanche to do whatever, bu rather, taken in the broad sense in which it wis intended, means that the people who matter see the intentions and not the actions.

Take care, everyone.
Harry

--- On Sun, 11/2/08, Hope Paulos <hope.paulos at maine.edu> wrote:

From: Hope Paulos <hope.paulos at maine.edu>
Subject: Re: [nabs-l] Social Etiquette
To: nabs-l at nfbnet.org
Date: Sunday, November 2, 2008, 1:26 PM

Arielle points out several good examples here and I believe this 
to be a wonderful post.  I just wanted to add an experience of my 
own and of others with whom I work.  When I was very young, I had 
several "Blindisms"- I would rock when not in a rocking chair, 
and I would poke my eye.  My parents would not allow me to do 
this.  When I got older, my grandmother was talking about how 
much I'd matured.  She said she was so proud that I didn't 
exhibit those blindisms.  I asked my mother why she insisted that 
I stop rocking and she explained that it was socially 
inappropriate.  There are times, especially being totally blind, 
when  people do things that are socially inappropriate, but they 
don't even know this fact.  My mother said that she knew that I 
couldn't see the people around me and the fact they were not 
rocking or poking  their eyes.  She needed to put a stop to these 
behaviors.  She wanted me to not be laughed at and to be socially  
appropriate.  Arielle, I'm not sure if this was what you were 
talking about, but I figured I'd add it in.  It is in no way my 
intention to offend people.  If I have i apologize.  	When I 
worked at Perkins, I worked with people that would make certain 
sounds or flap their hands.  These students ranged in age from 9 
to 14.  It was extremely difficult to extinguish these behaviors 
at those  ages.  The students  progressed when it came time for 
me to leave, but I am uncertain as to whether the behaviors have 
been extinguished fully.

> ----- Original Message -----
>From: "Arielle Silverman" <arielle71 at gmail.com
>To: nabs-l at nfbnet.org
>Date sent: Mon, 3 Nov 2008 05:43:21 +1100
>Subject: [nabs-l] Social Etiquette

>Hi all,

>I certainly think that social skills/etiquette is important for 
high
>school students to understand when transitioning to college and
>beyond.  One of the difficulties with detailing it on the fact 
sheet is
>that many rules of etiquette and social grace vary depending on 
the
>situation and the expectations of the people around.  Just as 
there is
>more than one way to look fashionable, there is more than one way 
to
>be "well-mannered" and what is considered appropriate for one 
setting
>may be considered wildly inappropriate in a different one.  
Really what
>I think we want to capture is the ability to adapt to situations 
and
>"blend in" by following the social/etiquette norms called for in 
those
>situations.

>I would also point out that I think most adolescents (blind and
>sighted) who didn't grow up under a rock have a pretty good
>intellectual knowledge of what is and isn't appropriate public
>behavior.  However, there is a big difference between simply 
knowing
>what's appropriate and actually complying with social norms.  In 
order
>to comply with social norms one must know what they are, and also 
be
>motivated to comply with them, and be in full  control of their
>behavior.  Returning to the hypothetical ten-year-old kid who  
picks
>his nose in public, it's possible that he honestly doesn't know 
that
>it's inappropriate.  More likely, though, is that he's  been told 
it's
>inappropriate before (or laughed at for doing it), but he simply
>doesn't care—either because his parents didn't scold or punish 
him for
>doing it, or because they did but they're simply not around in 
the
>situation and the kid doesn't think he's likely to get in trouble 
for
>picking his nose.  A third possibility is that he is motivated to 
not
>pick his nose, but he's just spaced out and doesn't realize
he's 
doing
>it, or he has a bad nasal itch and feels compelled to scratch 
inside
>his nose to relieve it, etc.  The point is that mere knowledge of
>etiquette isn't enough—people have to be motivated (ideally,
>self-motivated) to do what's appropriate.  There are some 
behaviors
>commonly seen in blind people—known as "blindisms"—that can 
become so
>habitually ingrained that even when people become motivated to 
stop
>they still  have difficulty doing it.  Eye-poking is an example 
of a
>behavior that most people engaging in it know full well that it's
>unattractive (and bad for their eyes), and often people are 
motivated
>to stop, but some have a very hard time completely eliminating 
it.
>(Speaking from  personal experience here, but also from 
conversations
>with teenagers and adults who have genuinely struggled to stop 
and
>still find themselves occasionally poking their eyes).  To give a
>different example, I think the vast majority of adults know about 
the
>negative consequences of being chronically late for things, but 
there
>are just some people who are always late—maybe they just don't 
care,
>or maybe they do but just haven't figured out how to organize 
their
>time so they're not late, etc.

>That said, I do think parents and teachers can help kids improve 
their
>social etiquette—not only by teaching what's appropriate 
(knowledge),
>but by instilling motivation.  Blind kids may be less motivated 
than
>sighted kids to comply with social expectations either because 
they've
>been held to lower standards by adults or because they don't see 
other
>people's negative reactions to their behavior.  So I think the 
emphasis
>should be on teaching blind kids and teens to truly care about
>conducting themselves well in public, adapting to different 
social
>situations and building connections with others—rather than just
>telling them to do or not do certain things.  Giving rewards for 
good
>behavior and punishments for bad is motivating to an extent, but
>eventually kids need to be motivated regardless of who's around 
to
>observe their actions.  Ideally they will learn through 
experience that
>following social norms and initiating connections with others 
makes
>them happier and helps them to reach their goals.

>So how do we do this? Any ideas?

>Arielle

>_______________________________________________
>nabs-l mailing list
>nabs-l at nfbnet.org
>http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/nabs-l_nfbnet.org
>To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info 
for nabs-l:
>http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/options/nabs-l_nfbnet.org/hope.paul
os%40maine..edu

_______________________________________________
nabs-l mailing list
nabs-l at nfbnet.org
http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/nabs-l_nfbnet.org
To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for nabs-l:
http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/options/nabs-l_nfbnet.org/harryhogue%40yahoo.com