[nabs-l] Social Etiquette

Beth thebluesisloose at gmail.com
Mon Nov 3 12:11:39 UTC 2008


I think joining an extracurricular activity and going out with friends
is a great idea, but let's face it: people have to have the friends in
the first place.  I had practically no friends in high school that I
could go shopping with, and my oly connection to the rld wa marching
band and chorus.  That was it.
Beth

On 11/3/08, T. Joseph Carter <carter.tjoseph at gmail.com> wrote:
> Arielle,
>
> I don't think knowledge and motivation are enough.  What is needed along
> with those things is someone we trust who is willing to pull us aside and
> say, "Let me tell you what I just saw..."  Honest, non-judgmental feedback
> is necessary for improvement.  If you know what you just did and what cue
> you just missed, you can adapt.  If you don't, you can't.
>
> Joseph
>
> On Mon, Nov 03, 2008 at 05:43:21AM +1100, Arielle Silverman wrote:
>>Hi all,
>>
>>I certainly think that social skills/etiquette is important for high
>>school students to understand when transitioning to college and
>>beyond. One of the difficulties with detailing it on the fact sheet is
>>that many rules of etiquette and social grace vary depending on the
>>situation and the expectations of the people around. Just as there is
>>more than one way to look fashionable, there is more than one way to
>>be "well-mannered" and what is considered appropriate for one setting
>>may be considered wildly inappropriate in a different one. Really what
>>I think we want to capture is the ability to adapt to situations and
>>"blend in" by following the social/etiquette norms called for in those
>>situations.
>>
>>I would also point out that I think most adolescents (blind and
>>sighted) who didn't grow up under a rock have a pretty good
>>intellectual knowledge of what is and isn't appropriate public
>>behavior. However, there is a big difference between simply knowing
>>what's appropriate and actually complying with social norms. In order
>>to comply with social norms one must know what they are, and also be
>>motivated to comply with them, and be in full  control of their
>>behavior. Returning to the hypothetical ten-year-old kid who  picks
>>his nose in public, it's possible that he honestly doesn't know that
>>it's inappropriate. More likely, though, is that he's  been told it's
>>inappropriate before (or laughed at for doing it), but he simply
>>doesn't care—either because his parents didn't scold or punish him for
>>doing it, or because they did but they're simply not around in the
>>situation and the kid doesn't think he's likely to get in trouble for
>>picking his nose. A third possibility is that he is motivated to not
>>pick his nose, but he's just spaced out and doesn't realize he's doing
>>it, or he has a bad nasal itch and feels compelled to scratch inside
>>his nose to relieve it, etc. The point is that mere knowledge of
>>etiquette isn't enough—people have to be motivated (ideally,
>>self-motivated) to do what's appropriate. There are some behaviors
>>commonly seen in blind people—known as "blindisms"—that can become so
>>habitually ingrained that even when people become motivated to stop
>>they still  have difficulty doing it. Eye-poking is an example of a
>>behavior that most people engaging in it know full well that it's
>>unattractive (and bad for their eyes), and often people are motivated
>>to stop, but some have a very hard time completely eliminating it.
>>(Speaking from  personal experience here, but also from conversations
>>with teenagers and adults who have genuinely struggled to stop and
>>still find themselves occasionally poking their eyes). To give a
>>different example, I think the vast majority of adults know about the
>>negative consequences of being chronically late for things, but there
>>are just some people who are always late—maybe they just don't care,
>>or maybe they do but just haven't figured out how to organize their
>>time so they're not late, etc.
>>
>>That said, I do think parents and teachers can help kids improve their
>>social etiquette—not only by teaching what's appropriate (knowledge),
>>but by instilling motivation. Blind kids may be less motivated than
>>sighted kids to comply with social expectations either because they've
>>been held to lower standards by adults or because they don't see other
>>people's negative reactions to their behavior. So I think the emphasis
>>should be on teaching blind kids and teens to truly care about
>>conducting themselves well in public, adapting to different social
>>situations and building connections with others—rather than just
>>telling them to do or not do certain things. Giving rewards for good
>>behavior and punishments for bad is motivating to an extent, but
>>eventually kids need to be motivated regardless of who's around to
>>observe their actions. Ideally they will learn through experience that
>>following social norms and initiating connections with others makes
>>them happier and helps them to reach their goals.
>>
>>So how do we do this? Any ideas?
>>
>>Arielle
>>
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