[nabs-l] Social Etiquette

Mon Nov 3 19:50:20 UTC 2008

As far as answering questions about etiquette at weddings goes, I
believe one thing you have to do is stand while the bride and groom
are dancing their first dance.  It's like being in a circle.
Interestingly enough, I've gone to two weddings in my lifetime.
Beth

On 11/3/08, Ashley  Bramlett <bookwormahb at earthlink.net> wrote:
> Arielle,
>
> Great post.  I think social skills and etiquette is so broad that it would
> be difficult to state on a website in words.  One challenge in explaining is
> that what is appropriate in one setting is not in another.  Great point
> about blind kids/teens knowlege  of social norms is not enough.  They have
> to be motivated to comply with them.
> >From experience its challenging to know what to expect and how to act in
> some situations because I cannot see how others are acting.  Manners and
> behavior is often learned by observational learning, meaning you see it and
> imitate it.  Blind and low vision kids cannot see this so have to be told or
> ask about it or listen closely and figure it out.  From experience casual
> settings such as school and eating in a cafeteria are not problematic.
> Where I encounter questions and sometimes don't know what to expect is in
> more formal settings.  These include: church services, weddings, more formal
> gatherings such as receptions and interviews.  I wasn't sure how much
> emotion to display or how much to say sometimes.
> So yes parents and teachers need to address this more.
> I know sighted people feel the same way and may be nervous about new
> situations but I think its magnified when you can't look around and learn.
>
> Three examples:
> 1.  I was at a reception after a workshop as part of a government
> internship.  It was crowded and there was food.  Many leaders had name tags
> on.  I did not know who to approach and what to say.  Finally, wanting food
> from the counter, I approached someone who was not in a conversation
> requesting they tell me what food was available and explain the setup; after
> all its very rude to touch food for public use.  Then after eating I just
> listened and joined a conversation.  But I really didn't know how to blend
> in in a crowd of mainly strangers.
>
> 2. In interviews, I am not sure how much info to give.  If there are
> multiple people in the room whom do you make eye contact with?  Probably
> just the speaker.
> Interviews are scary for everyone and hopefully will come with practice I'll
> get better.
>
> 3. At weddings, I know you just sit and watch the service.  But afterward I
> don't know what to do.  Whose hands to shake?  How much do I tell them?
> Also every service is different?  When do you stand?  Sometimes they
> announce it but if not I just listen for everyone else rising and join in.
>
> So if you have etiquette tips for my three situations please share.
>
> As to motivating kids and teaching good question.  Here are my ideas:
> 1. Talk about it.
> 2. Then role play.  This is feasible if its a one to one setting or small
> group; you cannot simulate a whole crowd of people.
> 3. After role playing discuss ways to improve and practice more.
> 4.  There are general etiquette classes out there for everyone and a blind
> person can attend one of them.
> 5. Parents need to expose their kids at age appropriate times to events  and
> learn in real settings so they are not confused later.  For instance
> encourage them to go to dances; take them to formal gatherings such as
> employee holiday parties.  My father took me to some of his work parties; of
> course the whole family was invited so it wasn't just a special arrangement
> for me.
> 6. To learn business etiquette there are a few ideas.  Talk about it.  Have
> the teen job shadow someone.  Maybe the teen can even visit the parent's
> place of employment for a few hours.  Just asking questions of employees in
> your field is a way to gather a lot.  I think there are books out there on
> business skills too; I've read some on interviewing skills at least.
>
> HTH,
> Ashley
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Arielle Silverman" <arielle71 at gmail.com>
> To: <nabs-l at nfbnet.org>
> Sent: Sunday, November 02, 2008 1:43 PM
> Subject: [nabs-l] Social Etiquette
>
>
> Hi all,
>
> I certainly think that social skills/etiquette is important for high
> school students to understand when transitioning to college and
> beyond. One of the difficulties with detailing it on the fact sheet is
> that many rules of etiquette and social grace vary depending on the
> situation and the expectations of the people around. Just as there is
> more than one way to look fashionable, there is more than one way to
> be "well-mannered" and what is considered appropriate for one setting
> may be considered wildly inappropriate in a different one. Really what
> I think we want to capture is the ability to adapt to situations and
> "blend in" by following the social/etiquette norms called for in those
> situations.
>
> I would also point out that I think most adolescents (blind and
> sighted) who didn't grow up under a rock have a pretty good
> intellectual knowledge of what is and isn't appropriate public
> behavior. However, there is a big difference between simply knowing
> what's appropriate and actually complying with social norms. In order
> to comply with social norms one must know what they are, and also be
> motivated to comply with them, and be in full  control of their
> behavior. Returning to the hypothetical ten-year-old kid who  picks
> his nose in public, it's possible that he honestly doesn't know that
> it's inappropriate. More likely, though, is that he's  been told it's
> inappropriate before (or laughed at for doing it), but he simply
> doesn't care—either because his parents didn't scold or punish him for
> doing it, or because they did but they're simply not around in the
> situation and the kid doesn't think he's likely to get in trouble for
> picking his nose. A third possibility is that he is motivated to not
> pick his nose, but he's just spaced out and doesn't realize he's doing
> it, or he has a bad nasal itch and feels compelled to scratch inside
> his nose to relieve it, etc. The point is that mere knowledge of
> etiquette isn't enough—people have to be motivated (ideally,
> self-motivated) to do what's appropriate. There are some behaviors
> commonly seen in blind people—known as "blindisms"—that can become so
> habitually ingrained that even when people become motivated to stop
> they still  have difficulty doing it. Eye-poking is an example of a
> behavior that most people engaging in it know full well that it's
> unattractive (and bad for their eyes), and often people are motivated
> to stop, but some have a very hard time completely eliminating it.
> (Speaking from  personal experience here, but also from conversations
> with teenagers and adults who have genuinely struggled to stop and
> still find themselves occasionally poking their eyes). To give a
> different example, I think the vast majority of adults know about the
> negative consequences of being chronically late for things, but there
> are just some people who are always late—maybe they just don't care,
> or maybe they do but just haven't figured out how to organize their
> time so they're not late, etc.
>
> That said, I do think parents and teachers can help kids improve their
> social etiquette—not only by teaching what's appropriate (knowledge),
> but by instilling motivation. Blind kids may be less motivated than
> sighted kids to comply with social expectations either because they've
> been held to lower standards by adults or because they don't see other
> people's negative reactions to their behavior. So I think the emphasis
> should be on teaching blind kids and teens to truly care about
> conducting themselves well in public, adapting to different social
> situations and building connections with others—rather than just
> telling them to do or not do certain things. Giving rewards for good
> behavior and punishments for bad is motivating to an extent, but
> eventually kids need to be motivated regardless of who's around to
> observe their actions. Ideally they will learn through experience that
> following social norms and initiating connections with others makes
> them happier and helps them to reach their goals.
>
> So how do we do this? Any ideas?
>
> Arielle
>
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