[nabs-l] Social Etiquette

Mon Nov 3 17:20:11 UTC 2008

Arielle,

Great post.  I think social skills and etiquette is so broad that it would 
be difficult to state on a website in words.  One challenge in explaining is 
that what is appropriate in one setting is not in another.  Great point 
about blind kids/teens knowlege  of social norms is not enough.  They have 
to be motivated to comply with them.
>From experience its challenging to know what to expect and how to act in 
some situations because I cannot see how others are acting.  Manners and 
behavior is often learned by observational learning, meaning you see it and 
imitate it.  Blind and low vision kids cannot see this so have to be told or 
ask about it or listen closely and figure it out.  From experience casual 
settings such as school and eating in a cafeteria are not problematic. 
Where I encounter questions and sometimes don't know what to expect is in 
more formal settings.  These include: church services, weddings, more formal 
gatherings such as receptions and interviews.  I wasn't sure how much 
emotion to display or how much to say sometimes.
So yes parents and teachers need to address this more.
I know sighted people feel the same way and may be nervous about new 
situations but I think its magnified when you can't look around and learn.

Three examples:
1.  I was at a reception after a workshop as part of a government 
internship.  It was crowded and there was food.  Many leaders had name tags 
on.  I did not know who to approach and what to say.  Finally, wanting food 
from the counter, I approached someone who was not in a conversation 
requesting they tell me what food was available and explain the setup; after 
all its very rude to touch food for public use.  Then after eating I just 
listened and joined a conversation.  But I really didn't know how to blend 
in in a crowd of mainly strangers.

2. In interviews, I am not sure how much info to give.  If there are 
multiple people in the room whom do you make eye contact with?  Probably 
just the speaker.
Interviews are scary for everyone and hopefully will come with practice I'll 
get better.

3. At weddings, I know you just sit and watch the service.  But afterward I 
don't know what to do.  Whose hands to shake?  How much do I tell them? 
Also every service is different?  When do you stand?  Sometimes they 
announce it but if not I just listen for everyone else rising and join in.

So if you have etiquette tips for my three situations please share.

As to motivating kids and teaching good question.  Here are my ideas:
1. Talk about it.
2. Then role play.  This is feasible if its a one to one setting or small 
group; you cannot simulate a whole crowd of people.
3. After role playing discuss ways to improve and practice more.
4.  There are general etiquette classes out there for everyone and a blind 
person can attend one of them.
5. Parents need to expose their kids at age appropriate times to events  and 
learn in real settings so they are not confused later.  For instance 
encourage them to go to dances; take them to formal gatherings such as 
employee holiday parties.  My father took me to some of his work parties; of 
course the whole family was invited so it wasn't just a special arrangement 
for me.
6. To learn business etiquette there are a few ideas.  Talk about it.  Have 
the teen job shadow someone.  Maybe the teen can even visit the parent's 
place of employment for a few hours.  Just asking questions of employees in 
your field is a way to gather a lot.  I think there are books out there on 
business skills too; I've read some on interviewing skills at least.

HTH,
Ashley

----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Arielle Silverman" <arielle71 at gmail.com>
To: <nabs-l at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Sunday, November 02, 2008 1:43 PM
Subject: [nabs-l] Social Etiquette

Hi all,

I certainly think that social skills/etiquette is important for high
school students to understand when transitioning to college and
beyond. One of the difficulties with detailing it on the fact sheet is
that many rules of etiquette and social grace vary depending on the
situation and the expectations of the people around. Just as there is
more than one way to look fashionable, there is more than one way to
be "well-mannered" and what is considered appropriate for one setting
may be considered wildly inappropriate in a different one. Really what
I think we want to capture is the ability to adapt to situations and
"blend in" by following the social/etiquette norms called for in those
situations.

I would also point out that I think most adolescents (blind and
sighted) who didn't grow up under a rock have a pretty good
intellectual knowledge of what is and isn't appropriate public
behavior. However, there is a big difference between simply knowing
what's appropriate and actually complying with social norms. In order
to comply with social norms one must know what they are, and also be
motivated to comply with them, and be in full  control of their
behavior. Returning to the hypothetical ten-year-old kid who  picks
his nose in public, it's possible that he honestly doesn't know that
it's inappropriate. More likely, though, is that he's  been told it's
inappropriate before (or laughed at for doing it), but he simply
doesn't care—either because his parents didn't scold or punish him for
doing it, or because they did but they're simply not around in the
situation and the kid doesn't think he's likely to get in trouble for
picking his nose. A third possibility is that he is motivated to not
pick his nose, but he's just spaced out and doesn't realize he's doing
it, or he has a bad nasal itch and feels compelled to scratch inside
his nose to relieve it, etc. The point is that mere knowledge of
etiquette isn't enough—people have to be motivated (ideally,
self-motivated) to do what's appropriate. There are some behaviors
commonly seen in blind people—known as "blindisms"—that can become so
habitually ingrained that even when people become motivated to stop
they still  have difficulty doing it. Eye-poking is an example of a
behavior that most people engaging in it know full well that it's
unattractive (and bad for their eyes), and often people are motivated
to stop, but some have a very hard time completely eliminating it.
(Speaking from  personal experience here, but also from conversations
with teenagers and adults who have genuinely struggled to stop and
still find themselves occasionally poking their eyes). To give a
different example, I think the vast majority of adults know about the
negative consequences of being chronically late for things, but there
are just some people who are always late—maybe they just don't care,
or maybe they do but just haven't figured out how to organize their
time so they're not late, etc.

That said, I do think parents and teachers can help kids improve their
social etiquette—not only by teaching what's appropriate (knowledge),
but by instilling motivation. Blind kids may be less motivated than
sighted kids to comply with social expectations either because they've
been held to lower standards by adults or because they don't see other
people's negative reactions to their behavior. So I think the emphasis
should be on teaching blind kids and teens to truly care about
conducting themselves well in public, adapting to different social
situations and building connections with others—rather than just
telling them to do or not do certain things. Giving rewards for good
behavior and punishments for bad is motivating to an extent, but
eventually kids need to be motivated regardless of who's around to
observe their actions. Ideally they will learn through experience that
following social norms and initiating connections with others makes
them happier and helps them to reach their goals.

So how do we do this? Any ideas?

Arielle

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